Sex for Money

While everyone I went to high school with is up in law school or some shit wearing suits and taking names, I'm trolling through Craigslist looking for a day-long gig (I typed "gay" at first, which is apropos, because I wish I was qualified for the job listed involving being the photographer on the set of a gay porn). Here are some options that I, as a twentysomething woman with a top-notch degree, have at my fingertips.

a) Intelligent actress with impeccable comic timing and knack for improv. Must look like Maxim or FHM model. Preferably is Jessica Alba. Is Jessica Alba available? Maybe at least we can hook up with some baby daddy who raised his infant in a plaster mold taken off Jessica Alba and grown up to be shaped like her.

b) Seeking HOTT! girls to promote alcholism through the use of indescriminate flirting and flavored vodka samples. Pays $25, but only if you tilt the scale on the Department of Motor Vehicles BAC test by the time you leave. Pink livers do NOT get paid, ladies.

c) Beautiful and Classy College Girl. If you are over 21, pretend you aren't. Seriously, all I need you to do is go out to a very, very expensive dinner with me and my aging grandmother. That's all! I just want to pay for your company! Send full body shot.

d) Nanny.

And by nanny I mean on film.

e) Expert at customer service for legal marijuana parlor. Excellent communication skills, extensive experience, no desire to move up within the job, $7 an hour, looks good in a bongkini.

f) Serve Cock

tails.

g) Serve ice cream to busy and stressed-out executives. Must be able to remember talk-lines and look like a model.

h) Write for up-and-coming comedy show. Deferred to no pay. Are you witty and sexy? You're just what we're looking for. A dream job for a writer. Plus you'll be an on-air personality, at no financial cost to us! You'll get to smile while your male co-stars say all the funny things you wrote!

i) My dog's babies are torn!! My dog's babies desperately need some TLC!! Please come sew up dem widdle schtuffins and make doggy sooo much happier. The job goes to whoever is willing to wear the babies inside her panties for a week.

j) Walk my dogs.

No, really: walk my dogs.

They're absolutely wonderful: two German shepherds with hearts of gold. I miss them all day, but a man's got to work. And besides, I'm sure they'll love their time with you, out strolling through the park.
Contact me and let's get you to the leashes!

Oh, one thing though...I hate sluts.