Monday, May 21, 2007

GI Tracking Treasure Down

Wearing my fauxjamas tee with "THE NEW BEGINNING" splashed across it like so much punk rock, I hereby set out into virgin territory: creating my first Wikipedia page.

You never know how fast you're going to grow up. One minute you're rubbing your fetal little eyesockets, and the next, you're home with the flu doing mindless internet research about what you should do to get better. And then: the sound of the pik-axe hitting precious cargo. The phrase to end all phrases.

Greedy colon.

Physician Goodhart of London first made the remark that excess loss of water in the intestine leading to constipation could indeed be the result of a "greedy colon." A colon that is greedy, lest you get the wrong idea, is actually thirsty. A thirsty colon becomes greedy for more than the average colon's share of H2O.

Do you not see how fateful this discovery is? Do you now know my destiny as the writer of a Wiki page about the concept of greedy colon? I welcome all research, scientific, historical, and diagrammatical, for I am but the messenger to a public anticipating ne'er but at least a stub, dear Reader, demystifying that which end on end runs foot after foot and won't be satisfied even with every last drop.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Love Movies I Hate













1. Shakespeare in Love (1998).
In this piece of dreck, the fatty lips of Joseph Fiennes star alongside the Struggle To Be An Artist. Bard aficionados were given two hours and three minutes to resorb references with which to torture those of us who think there is more than one great writer in the canon.

2. Love Actually (2004).
Because we're supposed to believe that a woman who wears a size 8 is too large to be loved. Oh, Hugh Grant's character is so enlightened!! We can't believe he isn't also on Keira Knightley's doorstep!!!

3. The Last Kiss (2006).
Paul Haggis = genius; remake of Italian film = bad idea; script = disturbing; Zach Braff = makes a heinous character even more loathsome in such a way that literally terramotos career suicide.

4. Just Friends (2005).
Yes, I actually watched it. That's embarrassing. But what's really embarrassing is a movie filled with nothing but second-hand Jim Carrey moves and only but few Anna Faris moments.

Anna Faris! I love her.