How to Write & Perform Your Very Own Kick-Ass Show

Maybe you’re satisfied drooling over Amy Sedaris' or Margaret Cho’s genius on DVD. Maybe you are tired of seeing men on TV being mean and calling it humor. Or maybe you wrote this joke: This October, I am only going to a nudie show if they have a Halloween special. I will only drop coin if I can see monster costumes, with headpieces that match the rug; or really, really short ghost costumes. If you wrote that joke, and especially if you are me, it’s time to get the show on the road.

You MUST, MUST, MUST first toss any doubt you have to the side. The fact that you think your work might not be compelling suggests that it’s not a carbon-copy of everything else out there. If you’re engaged, that’s reason enough. Once you’re ready to face the lappy, write. Although I am still learning the alphabet, I can give you some key tips. If you’re going to be a writer, the first thing you need to know is that you have to look COLD. For accessories you’ll need mittens, a scarf, and probably some excessive socks; like legwarmers or a body stocking. Also a wooly skull cap, so your head doesn’t fall off because you’re thinking so many things to put on paper.

Part of the process of creating a viable work for stage means your genius phrases must be tested in a real, live black-box theater; preferably with real, live fake people. I don’t recommend those built-to-requirement dolls; try sandbags. Be willing to improvise your work. Be willing to edit out things that your mouth doesn’t like. Be in your body.

No instruction manual on actressing is complete without the mention of networking. Embrace it, minus the under-the-table favors part. Take classes in your locale; scope out community spaces; aim high and be willing to do your show in your car if you have to. And above all, gather a support system like it’s going out of style. If it means pandering shamelessly in blog format to anyone who will give you their email address, do it. Send weekly updates on your progress. Set goals that are specific, achievable, realistic, timely, and above all, fabulous. This is your show! Show up (You might want to put pants on first).

(Oh, and in case anyone didn't know, I'm, um, making a show? Like about stuff that happened to me? At work? And I've performed it in San Francisco, Berkeley and Amsterdam? And I really want more venues and such? And it's called "Workhorse"? And I think it's pretty funny? Email me and I'll add you to, like, my performance mailing list? xoxo Audrey)