Bikram Says!

Let’s play…Bikram Says!

Okay, everyone stand in the center of their mat/towels, ready for Pranayama breathing, the first pose of the series, the beginning of it all.

Bikram says…

With your hands clasped together under your chin, lift your elbows while expanding your rib cage and breathing on for six…

And exhale for six.

Bikram says…

Hands over your head, clasp palms, index fingers pressed together. Stretch up and fill all gaps between your shoulder and neck. Slowly bend to the right into half-moon pose.

Bikram says…

Notice how your stomach bulges: suck it in! I can eat all the chocolate chip cookies I want, because I am Bikram, but you can’t. I can because I have been doing my yoga for years, but you are American, so no cookies.

Bikram says…

Stretch up and over to the left, pushing your hips forward and your shoulders back. You should be able to do my yoga in a vat of hot oil. No slipping! No excuses! No cookies!

Bikram says…

Raise one foot over your head, and detach the second to give to a beggar. While you do this, make sure to not drip on the carpet. We love you, but we don’t love your sweat. Ok, hold on while I turn up the heat.

Bikram says…

Use the newly made stump of your leg to pirouette yourself into Assbackwards Dinosaur. Once you have attached your snaggle tooth to your costume, arch your back more, letting all fluid emerge from your kidneys. More kidneys! MORE KIDNEYS!!

Bikram says…

Staple your thighs together and lunge. Lunge! Everyone wearing spandex is not trying hard enough. That one guy in the cotton t-shirt is my friend, so don’t bug him. Plus he’s a teacher. I whip him enough in the off hours.

Bikram Says…

You have worked hard today, bones to skin, fingertips to toes. If I could step inside of you and wear you as a strap-on, I would. If you have any questions, my name is Bikram, and I’ll be at the front desk after class. Namaste.