Just Two Things

Mark my words: by the end of 2006, I will be a PAID writer.

And the payment I will receive will be in the form of money.

So I hereby inaugurate my campaign to do something with my college degree other than keep it in that fancy red leather book thing they gave me at the ceremony (during which the head of the Drama department, Alice Rayner, allowed me to cluck the graduation theme song. I hope you don't mind that I mentioned you, Alice. Alice Alice).

My first concept: WRITE A BOOK! Books have a lot of words in them. People buy and sometimes read them. A real published writer! A book tour! A gem-encrusted pencil! Yesss!

And here is my first book proposal, to all of you publishing house bigwigs reading this: JUST TWO THINGS.

Just Two Things is a gripping self-help companion--no, compendium!--to one's life. Common knowledge 'round these parts says to do as many things as possible. Conquer Wall Street! Have babies! Wear like, six scarves at once! But that is not the answer to a fulfilling, satisfying life. The answer is, my friends and literary executives, to do just two things.

Two things? Oh, for Peet's sake (and I do mean the man who sells the better coffee than his prodigal, profligate son). How does anyone do only two things in a whole day? Well, let me tell you, it's possible. Don't you believe in possibilities? Well don't you?

Example. In one day, I can: a) go to work, and b) do my laundry. Or: I can a) socialize, and b) write a best-selling self help book parody. One could even: a) spawn offspring, and then b) dispense Pez. See?? No more overexhaustion due to the capitalist patriarchy's requirement that you raise the GNP with every breath. It's back to basics, without giving up all of the toys!

Maybe you are good at a) exercising and b) lounging. Well then put down those dishes, Missy! You have used up your two things! Just because you put food in your mouth made of natural vegetation and it makes energy doesn't mean it grows on trees! Conserve, conserve! Sotto voce, bella Cenerentola!

More about me. I'm a writer. I put human words of English on paper, or in this case, crunchy little plastic dipositories that make magical signs from a god that won't let me rest onto a vibrant platform which whisks off the little words and leaves me with their hollow bodies. I miss their echoing, tinny voices, but it's a price I must pay to give you what I've got, which, apparently, is only one thing, as writing this comprises my first thing.

The phrase "one down, one to go": doesn't it look lovely on a to-do list? Example (yours): a) Read this blog. b) Give to me a half-million dollar contract, give or take the half, but including all the dollars. Then sleep easy, my friend. Sleep easy.