Top Ten Things NOT to Say to Your Massage Therapist

Yours truly has been working as a certified and licensed massage therapist for the past six years, over the course of which I have had the great priviledge of hearing several recurring, highly irritating comments and questions. I recognize, dear reader, that not everyone is familiar with the proper etiquette for the office and in the presence of a professional who falls somewhere between your doctor and your aesthetician. You can talk about your cooch with your waxer, or defer to dear doc's framed Ph.D., whereas you may consider the possibility that your masseuse engages in illegal trade. I recognize the grey area, and thus am hereby providing you with a straight-forward instructional on what NOT to ever, EVER say to myself or one of my colleagues.

1) "Wow, what a RELAXING job!"

It's funny you should say that. I mean, when I talk to other professionals who deal with their clients' deepest emotional stresses and physically work hard to unweave their clients' physical conundrums, "relaxing" is the first descriptor that comes to mind. Really, tanning on the beach and giving another person 100% of what you've got: kind of the same level of output. I'm practically ASLEEP when I work; I mean: that relaxing. Sometimes? I just curl up on top of my client for a long, sweet nap. They hardly know the difference! Really!

2) "Do you LOVE IT?!?"

Answer possibility #1: Yes! It is the greatest job in the whole world! In fact, don't even pay me! Do you want me to just move in and massage you all day long?

Answer possibility #2: As much as you love YOUR job!

Answer possibility #3: You don't really want me to use up your session explaining the fine points--i.e. the ACTUAL answer, full of complexities, to your question.

3) "So, are you getting lots of clients?"

Maybe I am. In which case, if I say so, you may either worry I won't have space in my schedule for you, ramble on about how my job is relaxing, or tell me I'm making a killing.

Maybe I'm not. In which case, you've just put me in the awkward position of simultaneously wanting to be honest, and also wanting to project this confident image of prosperity.

How are YOU going to feel if I answer either way? You are asking me to take on making sure YOU feel comfortable with the answer to a question which, if I understand you correctly, is just a casual inquiring on how I'M doing.

4) "How much do you charge?"

This question almost never comes from someone who is about to book an appointment. Those about to book an appointment either have already booked it, and then are asking, or I've already told them. The people who ask me the most are those eager to do mental calculations on my relationship to the GNP. They either want to tell me I'm making a killing (whether or not they realize if I actually am) or that I charge too much, or that I charge less than so-and-so. They're making the assumption that I haven't done the research to know market rates, or that I want their opinion on the worth of my service (which they've never experienced firsthand). Note: this conversation NEVER includes them offering up how much THEY make. I'll add that I'm never asked this question by women. It's a fact. 99% of the administrators of this question are middle-aged men who clearly make more money than I do and want to solidify this fact.

5) "Doesn't this hurt your body?"

Ok, you need reassurance? I'll reassure you. I am not breaking myself in half in order to help heal you. I know how to walk, stand, move, what pressure to use so that I'll come out whole at the end of the session.

That said, of course it's hard on my body. I've had repetitive stress injuries, and I've also done a lot of things to keep myself in shape. I get regular massage myself, and I do yoga, and I rest, and I don't make it a practice to sit around with clients and talk about what's hard on me and what isn't. I want to know: do people ask this question of their doctor? Their CPA? Their nail tech?

6) "You can go as deep as you want."

THANK YOU. It is my fantasy to risk a likely injury in order to push on your unyielding muscle (which would benefit more from lighter, slower touch anyway). I've been standing here fantasizing about going deeper--in fact, even doing deep tissue, which I am not trained in--and feel you have given me this great gift! Likewise, I hope you tell your lawyer that he can "sue as much as he wants," and that your grocer can give you "as much food as he wants."

7) "Do you also give erotic massage?"

If you're not a client, it's WAY not cute that you asked this. If you are a client, don't expect me to finish the session (or finish you off, as the case may be). You have the right to ask such a question, but I also hold the right to bar you from my office. No truly legitimate massage therapist with a degree from a therapeutic school, an office in a family neighborhood, and who discusses your medical history with you also does erotic massage. You wouldn't ask for Craniosacral therapy in a red-light district, would you?

8) "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Often coupled with the erotic massage question. Do I give erotic massage to my boyfriend? Why exactly would I be inclined to discuss my sex life with you? Sex aside, what about simply my love life? Is your question an invitation? Are you just curious? What makes you assume I'm straight? What makes you assume that my boyfriend wants to be talked about? (And no: I don't want to discuss how much money he makes, either.)

9) "Do I have to tip you?"

Standard practice in the massage industry, as opposed to that with chiropractors or medical doctors, is to tip 15-20% on top of the charge for the service rendered. That's what I will tell you if you ask, and what I do when I see another massage practicioner. That said, please understand that my saying so does not make me "greedy" or "sneaky." Just because I have my own office rather than working for a spa does not mean that I make so much more money: because I have to pay rent now. Someone once asked why I didn't just tack a tip onto my base fee. Why? Because then those conscientious receivers of massage would feel obligated to tip me on top of my extended fee. If you don't tip me, it doesn't mean that you are blacklisted or that I will have a little less shine to the mansion you think I own, lined with gold. It means that I'll be a little more strapped, and I'll assume that you didn't tip me because either you are strapped, or because you feel I did not give you excellent service. And while we're on the same page, if I gave a "friend rate" I wouldn't be able to pay the rent. Do you give your employer, who you get along well with, a "friend rate"?

10) "Are you for sale?"

Ha ha!! What a cute comment!!!

No. Are you? I've got five dollars in quarters.