Shoutouts

Hey, Apple: when you launch iScroll, I hope it comes with a trumpeting medieval page.

Hey, SoBe Life Water: actually, water is "life water."

Hey, Hands: you book that national commercial tomorrow. For once, Face is off the hook.

You Know You're Jewish When

...It's Friday around 3:45 PM and you start craving challah. I may be a bad Jew but I'm still tuned in. Genetic and cultural imprint, you make me hungry.

I'd better buy some potatoes for when my Irish roots come a-knocking on the 17th.

Also some hot sauce. Because I ran out of it.

Happiness Farm

My best friend Krista came from Amsterdam to visit and brought me a happiness farm. For happiness, clearly one must have a cow, horse, tractor, and tree. If you think you can't put a price on happiness, well, that may be true; but the farm that makes it is 1 Euro 49.

Somewhere There's An Island With Our Name on It

And now for a shout-out to the concept of vacation, and ideally, being taken on one. Open air! Taupe sands! Azure seas! I know I live in Los Angeles with its southern California weather, but I dream of respite off the hamster wheel just like everybody else.

Behold, As a Young Woman Strains To Stay Awake Past Eleven

Someday, perhaps my friends will have their shows around the same time as the early bird special. My iron-clad bedtime and I would like that. Zzzzz...what!? Yes, I'm getting dressed to head out to Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater...

Oscars 2010

Here are the votes I'd most like to make this year:

BEST PICTURE: "District 9." Avatar, schmavatar. Besides, we all know how I feel about claw hand.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Sharlto Copley for "District 9."

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Meryl Streep for "Julie & Julia." Who knew there was that much comedic genius in the gold standard of acting...and yet, who's surprised?

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Mo'Nique for "Precious." Also, Mo'Nique for "Phat Girlz," Mo'Nique for standup, and Mo'Nique for coolness.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM: "Fantastic Mr. Fox." A most adorable and satisfying film from Wes Anderson.

DIRECTOR: Pedro Almodovar. I know, I know; he wasn't nominated. So what?

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: "Broken Embraces."

Everyone Deserves Love, Even If They Don't Have a Pulse

Today I filmed my scenes in "April," in which I play a government-appointed social worker on the case of an adopted misfit high school student, who happens to be a zombie. Shot in mockumentary style, I was interviewed about the case; fantastic director Mike Piccirillo had me doing both straight takes and off-the-cuff improvs. Comedy and the undead: this is what it takes to turn me into an eager beaver, driving down the freeway at 4:45 AM.

The Answer to A Lot of Things

When I have kids, they may be cute, but right now this baby rabbit found on the interwebs takes the prize. Think about it: What's the cutest tiny animal you've seen of late? Baby bunny! Should I diversify my stock portfolio? Baby bunny! From whence do I come, and whither do I go? Baby bunny!

I Have the Following

Actor's Access...pushing me to define what is negotiable from what isn't. Scenes with clowns? Dances with scarves? Eating a chicken wing?

Hair Face

Here are the options on Actor's Access I can check off about my facial hair, and all I have to say is:
...Curtain?

The Success of Almost

On one hand, the dress that almost looks okay is going to Goodwill this afternoon. On the other hand, almost getting fantastic parts is reason to celebrate. In this banner month, among other auditions and wins, I went to producers for two television roles to shoot this last week: I was in the final few up for the job. If there's a puffy balloon with such congratulations printed upon its silvery stomach, I'm sending it to myself.

Once I drop off that dress. Time for what will be even better.

Oh, and the Hail

Today in Studio City it HAILED. Was it terribly cold or blustery in Los Angeles? No. Sure, it was drizzling a bit when I entered the workshop...in just a t-shirt and jacket. But just as my scene partner and I finished our first read, chunks of ice were slamming into the pavement outside. For our second round, we had to compete with that effect on a tin roof. Making one's acting more interesting than hail in southern California: there's a goal.

Life Choices!: Escalade vs. Washing Machine

How ludicrous to own a pair of pricey jeans that have to be washed at a sticky laundromat, I thought, loading the machine. My personal meditation on incongruous price points, however, was cut short by a woman pulling up to do laundry at the same place...in an Escalade. The vehicle was so large I wondered why she hadn't used space in the back to install her own washer and dryer, let alone purchased laundry machines and then used the rest of the money to buy a human-sized car. Would I rather be pay for a giant gas-guzzler, or would I rather hang and fold in the comfort of my own home? Fear that I was mowing over small children as I drove, or not have to lug dirty clothes around town? Look like a tool, or have clean loot? The MSRP on a brand-new Cadillac Escalade is $62,495 to $84,125. Washer/dryer combos run about $550-$1600. And in case you were wondering, no, the woman did not have an entourage following her out of the mothership. Just a sleepy husband and one tiny kid to announce her life choices.

This and That

Perusing the virtual designer aisles of my favorite internet store, I found this covet-worthy piece. Yes! Oodles of buckles! Why is it that I seek freedom in life, but bondage in skirts?

Why is it we want at once this, and its opposite that?

Today at Cowboys & Turbans, a Mexican-Indian lunch spot in Silverlake, I ate a burrito filled with tofu and spinach tikka masala and pondered this question.

Child of Pudding

Did you know Hermes makes an adhesive-note case? Yes, it's $240. We children of pudding need animal skin around our Post-its.

Our faces have similar requirements. There's colostrum from cows in moisturizer; not just any breast milk but the first breast milk, for newborns. Then there's Evolence, containing collagen from pigs' tendons, for plumper lips.

For those animal rights activists out there, forget the cases, the creams, the porcine injections, but do not forget the need to look like your pucker is mutating in its own separate human. There's collagen out there to support your ethical needs, made from human foreskin tissue. It's lab-grown, but with your priorities in life, you both are and look like a dick.

Money on Rollerskates

Oft has this blog been found through searching, strangely enough, for "ponysex." Talking Pony, not, You-Know Pony! Here are some of the more obscure ways readership for this mothership (of thoughts from me to you) has been obtained (English teacher says: Stop using the passive voice!):

+ "Vegetable eat palace"

+ "Turning into bushy squirrel"

+ "Audrey pony man"

+ "Free call: talking without pony"

+ "Where are the trannies on Sunday?"

+ "Tranny talking about how it is"

And

+ "Sexy Armenian mister"

Animals, man-erals, transsexuals: and here I thought I was just doodling my comedic sensibility. That, and receiving money on rollerskates.

AudreyDundeeHannah.com Update

My main website now features a new version of my bio in which I make clear my key selling points (no, it's not about the born-on date), celebrate my recent joining of AFTRA (The American Federation of Television and Radio Artists), and includes a clip of my work on "Ted Sampon: Househusband" for FOX in my reel. If the photos look different to you, that's because you are squinting and imagining me wearing a pirate outfit. Yes, I know, I should be in a pirate movie where girls and parrots sail the seven seas pillaging for gold. Obvs.

No Talking in the Library

Ooh, the Los Angeles public library is so secretive! I sent them an email about a faulty charge for an overdue book already returned, and got this response:

Dear Audrey,

Since we cannot verify the identity of email users, and for security reasons, we cannot discuss library account information or access a patron's library account in response to email inquiries.

Thank you for contacting the Los Angeles Public Library.

Librarian E.

"Librarian E": that's got to be the code name given when she was inducted into the Secret Order of the Loanable Book. Unfortunately, I cannot verify her identity, or if she is actually a robot sent to steal away tomes given back on time. It wouldn't be safe for me to live in this world if I knew.

Inspirational Corner

A Chinese proverb states, "When the wrong person uses the right means, the right means then have the wrong effect." Basically, the phony, regardless of tricks, twists, and turns is never going to unseat the true hero. Only our champion can pull the sword out of the stone, or tame the lion, or win the girl. This is great news: it means when we are right for the part, we're already right before we've even stepped up to bat. We must bat; we must become good at batting; but we will triumph. Thank you, resurrection flag on Archangel Gabriel's trumpet.

She Doesn't Know How To Sew, Just Wants Bees on Mesh

Out of dignity and respect, I dare not say the name of the hilarious television star that I had the privilege of improvising with at today's producer's session. I will, however, mention that across town at lunch a little while later Bruce Vilanch was sitting at the table next to mine and nicknamed me "Miuccia" after I told a bunch of Prada jokes. Funny celebrities everywhere, do not think I won't try to charm you with fashion insight; or in the case of the audition, charm. At least I hope they took my work and are wearing it like a bracelet that goes with all their outfits.

Big Dreams Come True, Like Noodles

As I stroll righteously through my big famousness, brushing my hair with ruby dust and plucking strands of emeralds from my teeth after a good salad, I wish to advise my constituents of not only the virtues of various hot sauces , but also the way of the noodle. After all, this week I did in fact receive my first unsolicited fan letter and autograph request. (Those I solicited turned me down, but mostly because my friends already have notes I've given them, and that.) Big dreams may begin with hot sauce, but they continue on with pasta:

#1 Mung bean threads. Also known as glass noodles, they are see-through and chewy as the dickens. Charles in particular made for an excellent granola bar.
#2 Rice sticks. The wider the better. Ideally, a house-sized surfboard of rice stick with gentleman callers in the form of bok choy atop.
#3 Brown rice spaghetti. It's like brown rice, but in a different shape and without all the self-satisfaction. Doesn't it look menacing, as if it were made of processed white flour, all cuddled up under that blanket of marinara?

Thus concludes my latest grocery suggestion, from my famous mouth to yours, but not in an intimate way; at least not while you're still chewing that gum.

Advice for Valentine's Day: Toys

Wondering what the face of a stuffed animal bought for a girl on Valentine's Day should look like? Look no further than the photograph above. See the childlike neediness, the addled eyes? It's like you're saying with this gift, I love you, and I know you probably want a baby, so here's one I don't have to take care of and you can put on a shelf somewhere next to your copies of Simone de Beauvoir from college.

Write the Feem Toon, Sing the Feem Toon

As I prepare for a big audition today, I think of what and what not to do. Particularly I think of "Little Britain" character Dennis Waterman, an out-of-work actor who turns down gigs unless all of his demands are met: "So they want me to star in it, write the feem toon, sing the feem toon..." Imagining myself at Sony pulling a Dennis relaxes me. After all, of course they want me to write the feem toon for this pilot.

Whole Fools Market

Let's suppose I had a terrible nut allergy, in which case I'd obviously choose to stroll alongside the bins with nuts in them, close enough to read any fine or bold print. Then I'd come upon a case of pistachios, with a sign affixed to it reading "Warning: this product may contain nuts or is processed in a facility that uses nuts." Well, what are they using the nuts for? Is it for putting the nuts in nut bins? In case you were or weren't hoping to purchase nuts? I don't like the look of that peanut drawing, either. Far too vague.

A Casting Professional Understands

He barely let me get in a handful of the script's words before saying, "You're wrong for Perky, read for Whiney." Another victory for casting professionals, who always seem to know I shine as the put-out bitch. I read for Whiney. Waving goodbye he said, "See you at callbacks!"

A brief memo on the day's festivities: No, I am not watching the Superbowl. I went to an audition for a campy play about nuns and now I am happily roasting potatoes. The end.

May We Make A Movie Suggestion

After carefully listing off all the qualities I enjoy in a good DVD rental, Netflix scratches its head and comes to this conclusion:
Netflix: trying to play it safe with me after that Third Reich suggestion.

The Rain in Los Angeles Falls Mainly On No One

Oh my gosh! The sky is crying. That's weird; this is the desert. Is there a propmaster and the special effects department standing by to create the effect? No. Strange!

We have a saying in Hollywood: If it's raining, go to your audition. Meaning: You will get the job, because no one else will be there. That is, if you don't get maimed by crazy drivers navigating the wet streets on your way to read for the part.

Beauty School Dropout

Dear Career Gods,

Please let my talented comedy writer friend create a short about a pubic hairstylist and cast me in the lead role. Let there be a series of flashback scenes in which my character drops out of beauty school while wearing a miniskirt covered in sunglasses. May I be chased by several other actors, including an older one crossing herself while she rushes me with a broom. And may a poster of my face (including wig) that reads "DO NOT HIRE THIS WOMAN" be left on a street where we were shooting in a suburb of Los Angeles.

Many thanks,
Audrey

The Cafeteria Made Me Do It

Wait, what am I doing in this room at mid-day? Why is there a brown sack in my hand? From whence does this craving for fruit rollups come? Be a good girl and do what the nice building says.

Imbolc, or Greetings From the Celtic Reconstructionists!

Huzzah, it's Badger Day! In which virginal girls carry dolls that look like hedgehogs and call them Brigid! And inside those dolls is an egg which can only balance perfectly when the sun is at 15 degrees of Aquarius! Which is also the nadir of its orbit, so that sun is feeling cocky! That sun is so high above you that it gets to pick whether winter ends in six weeks or spring begins in six weeks! What I'm saying is that sun has an attitude and might skip school today but there's nothing you can do about it! Don't forget the ewe's milk, and meet me somewhere we can smother some fire!

27 Days Later

With the advent of the new year, I took on a Bikram 30-day challenge. 30 days, 30 yoga classes of 90 minutes each in a 105 degree room. Having done heaps of Bikram in the past, I knew the treacherous challenges and the pleasures both, but this month I discovered how much more joy and altitude comes from doing that same thing every day, rather than even 4-5 times a week. I swore the only thing that would stop me from making it into the studio would be a day working on set: hence 27 days straight followed by yesterday, today, and tomorrow. D'ohh! That said, the path of the righteous can't involve too much nit-picking, now can it? A toast to me! 3 x 3 x 3 days of sweating through every pore and glowing like a nightlight or one of those insects they were invented after is a great thing...and so is being an actor, whether in background or foreground, and in the case of this weekend, in a very puffy wig.

Dog Freckles

Today I worked on a shoot where there was a dog, or rather, a dog and an understudy dog. "He's in training," his handler told me. Basically, while the rest of us study Meisner or the Harold, this Irish Setter learns how to behave on set. The expert-actor dog was formidable at his job, for sure, but his performance was enhanced. Sitting still, he allowed a stylist to strategically place freckles across his snout and forehead. Dog freckles, I thought as I held my place in the background, Without them we'd all be plain.

Truth in Advertising

For one brief, curried moment, truth in advertising and me using a prepared food item rather than making everything by hand as I usually do like an old-world peasant collided...and that moment was indeed delicious.

World Traveller's Plug

Your American electronics require translation, just as in the UK you get to use two of the letter "L" to spell "traveller." One must be ready for the green hills, the moody weather, and to bridge the cultural gap. One plane ticket short, I've already packed both my grammatical skills and my tools. With all those gorgeous farm boys and sheep around, I couldn't possibly not give my hair a blow-out.

Vacant, Slumbering Creatures Vs. ...

My callback today for a short (comedic) film about accepting zombies into our society took place in the offices of "America's Next Top Model." Right...coincidence.

"I Just Wanted To Make A Movie With Fur"

The Fantastic Mr. Fox, indeed.

Lamb vs. Banana

Raw foodist Dr. Douglas Graham poses a key question: Put a child in a room with a lamb and a banana. Sit back and watch to see which he plays with and which he eats. While I would invariably choose the banana, I still question Dr. Graham's logic, as there are a few more details we would like to know:

Is the lamb dipped in banana juice? Is the lamb peelable? Does the lamb come with a sprig of parsley?

Does the banana seem like a good schoolyard companion? Does the banana have the face of a fighter? Is the banana actually a pig in a Halloween costume?

Does the child prefer playmates who are yellow or cream-colored: is the child a racist? When the child considers leftovers, does the child want to wear clothing or cause another child to slip to comic effect? Is the child a narcissist only interested in the sound of his own voice, who would be put at dis-ease by the baaing of a new friend?

Does the child eat food, or is the child actually a robot or a breatharian, or a robot who aspires to become human so as to become a monk who is a breatharian? Does the robot perceive monks to wear woolen sweaters? Are those sweaters plain, or do they have a design woven into them, such as the cheerful image of fruit? Is this only to attract press, eager for a good headline about the vanity of those who meditate? And what's with the Raybans anyway: sleeping when everyone thinks you're practicing Tonglen?

Look, you're a robot; you don't need sleep. I thought we made these things to vacuum our houses. Those chip crumbs aren't going to clean themselves up.

Brain and Body vs. Coffee and Cookie

Who will rule the roost? Will there be caffeine and chocolate chips, or will the temptations cease and desist? The challenge is on...

...or so goes my reality show pitch, were I to pitch a reality show based on my actual reality.

2009 Golden Globes

Let's just all cut to the part where Jane Lynch wins Best Supporting Actress for her role on "Glee." And if that doesn't happen, then what was all that traffic today up and down Santa Monica Boulevard for anyway? As Sue Sylvester would say, Never let anything distract you from winning. Because if she doesn't, You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian.

Update 1/18/10: I am truly assuaged by the great "Glee" win for best comedy/musical television show. Just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world...just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit...Don't-STOP!-bee-lee-ving...!

SWAG from SAG

Every union actor, whether with career on the rise or barely making a peep, has something to look forward to in awards season: presents! Oh, they may call them "screeners" or "screenings" or "envelopes with your name on them that don't contain bills," but nonetheless: free stuff you didn't have before. This week's daily trips to the mailbox produced DVDs of "Up in the Air," "Precious," "An Education," and "Julie & Julia." Additionally, this weekend I'll be attending the Golden Globes-nominated foreign directors panel (including god-head Almodovar) and "Avatar," as presented by James Cameron and star Zoe Saldana over at FOX.

Watching my spoils, I joyously eat popcorn as the watermarked word Paramount flashes across George Clooney's face every fifteen minutes. Red carpet gown only to be seen this month on my apartment's decidedly gray carpet, my big dreams are not only intact, but are gently coddled by these goods. Like a soporific baby after milk, I prepare my winning speech.

...To Name a Few

I thought "and what-not" was bad, but at least it doesn't carry the hefty false swagger of "to name a few." It lies in the same ilk of impressarios, but rather than spicing on casual cool, it uses a plastic-elegant cutting short of one's own sword. I've worked with verrry important directors, the person says, Coppola, Mendes...to name a few. (The rest were mediocre film students.) The newsletter reads, We've got excellent prices on our wares. Top wines and prime rib, to name a few. (Everything else costs twice as much or isn't desirable.) Beyond bragging, though, is just plain verbal laziness. Vocal or written templates of the users of this flaccid phrase are merely Hello! [Statement of importance!] [X], [Y], [Z], to name a few! One wants to say, crow's feet gently both comely and sinister around one's own twinkling eyes, Don't stop there...tell me more.

In Gratitude, Please Accept This Googly-Eyed Banana I Made You

Bikram + Cows

Bikram Choudhury, developer of my favorite kind of yoga, needs a bovine-related intervention. Case in point #1: his fetish with the hamburger and accompanying slurring of vegetarianism of any breed. Since when do vegetarians die weak and early? Never mind that India, from whence both yoga and Bikram himself come, is packed full of plant-eaters. Case in point #2: when star teacher Emmy Cleaves, commenting on his preference students practice in a 105 degree room, said to Bikram that "if you'd turn down the stupid heat, this room would be much more full," he replied "An empty barn is better than a barn full of naughty cows." Naughty cows? Cows that aren't cooked and/or sweating bullets in their Lululemon outfits? Case in point #3: All Bikram studios contain portraits of Bikram and his gurus, and one if not all sit on tiger-skin rugs: you know, the kind with the giant tiger head placed just forward of the dude's full lotus. It's like Bikram's spelling it out in no uncertain terms: Cow, see what I did to the tiger.

Pedro Almodovarareallthepeoplewithtaste?

"Broken Embraces": another masterpiece from my favorite director, seen only by me and four little old ladies while everyone else in Los Angeles is at "Avatar."

Judging from Your Orange Sweatpants

Woke up from a nap. Wearing no makeup, pulled on sweatpants, sneakers, and an old coat and headed out to the local health food market for vegan cookies and soymilk. The guy behind the cash register tries his best to puzzle out on which television show I'm a series regular.

Hollywood: where looking terrible makes others think you're a star. (Hey! I'll take it!)

No Seriously, I Really Want This Bookshelf

(And you, dear reader, thought it was just a metaphor.)

Twitterpated for 2010

Thanks, Urban Dictionary. "Twitterpated" really is in the lexicon and not just one friend's jargon. I may be some years behind in discovering the word, but this is the year to rock its meaning. Like a brand new set of cubbies, these twelve months beckon and wink about what they'll carry.

Ghost of a Decade (Almost) Past

And now we say farewell to the decade that brought us the boom, the bust, and those sunglasses that look like shutters (a nice way to accessorize when protesting the war by not using fossil fuels turns into only being able to afford one's own foot traffic). Fly free, cigarette fairy left by late-night east side hipsters, and in doing so usher in the dawn of a new era. Or at least a renewed devotion to the gym as we leave the oughts for the teens.

Nonverbal Day