Mercury Finally Hits Adolescence

Observations from NASA's spacecraft Messenger today confirmed what we all knew was coming: Mercury the teenager. While planets Mars and Venus snickered in the background, Mercury at first refused to comment, saying only, "GOD! You guys...just leave me alone." "They think you look like the moon!" piped in an tactless Jupiter. Mars tried to hold it in but couldn't help himself: "Face...cheese face...impact basin cheese face..."

When plied with Twizzlers and attention—including willingness to see the planet's collection of soccer posters—the immature little rockpile finally opened up. "It sucks, actually," the planet moaned. "All of a sudden all these volcanic eruptions are all over my face, with molten muck bubbles everywhere. And what, now is a good time to send some spy cam to watch me break out?" It's not every day, however, that magnetic tornadoes appear on a planet's surface. "Tom Watters of the Smithsonian Institution said “We’re seeing a very dynamic planet that has a lot going on today." At least someone thinks I'm cool," huffed Mercury, before returning to his freshman year English homework.