Talking Pony, C'est Moi.

I eat carrots, and I gallop. But mostly I am an actress and writer that is fixated on making funny.

Funny? I'm funny. Bill Cosby told me I'd be the next Ellen DeGeneres. Tina Fey begrudgingly took my headshot. I stump salespeople. I make my friends pee. I've gotten jobs, dumped, and kissed for being funny.

Now for the nostalgia portion of our program.

Back when I was a mere tot I was OBSESSED with becoming funny. When you're shy, excessively sensitive, and primarily a visual artist, it feels challenging to stick your neck out and let it rip. So I had to train for my future at Aspen undetected by the masses.

It all began with a tiny collection of jokes that I wrote. By tiny, I mean: few jokes, itsy object. I was particularly fond of math jokes: yes! The beginning of my international success!

The best thing about being both funny and female is it means that you are no longer considered "hot." It also means that you can play a whole lot of supportive friend roles on TV. You can have bad hair!!

I think it goes along with women and intelligence: everyone's checking under the hood to make sure the dang thing won't blow up when they're on the road. Fuck: female, funny, AND smart? Please don't tell. There's a colony of us hiding from the law. We've got a huge embargo we knitted together out of dildo cozies and guitar straps. Don't try to find us; we will pelt you with homeade flan.

On the other hand, I, at least, would really like it if you'd read my blog, come to my shows, and shower me with orange tiger lilies.

But not so many that I drown, because then I wouldn't get to continue on with my day of recording tracks of me imitating old codgers looking for dates.