The Success of Almost

On one hand, the dress that almost looks okay is going to Goodwill this afternoon. On the other hand, almost getting fantastic parts is reason to celebrate. In this banner month, among other auditions and wins, I went to producers for two television roles to shoot this last week: I was in the final few up for the job. If there's a puffy balloon with such congratulations printed upon its silvery stomach, I'm sending it to myself.

Once I drop off that dress. Time for what will be even better.

Oh, and the Hail

Today in Studio City it HAILED. Was it terribly cold or blustery in Los Angeles? No. Sure, it was drizzling a bit when I entered the workshop...in just a t-shirt and jacket. But just as my scene partner and I finished our first read, chunks of ice were slamming into the pavement outside. For our second round, we had to compete with that effect on a tin roof. Making one's acting more interesting than hail in southern California: there's a goal.

Life Choices!: Escalade vs. Washing Machine

How ludicrous to own a pair of pricey jeans that have to be washed at a sticky laundromat, I thought, loading the machine. My personal meditation on incongruous price points, however, was cut short by a woman pulling up to do laundry at the same place...in an Escalade. The vehicle was so large I wondered why she hadn't used space in the back to install her own washer and dryer, let alone purchased laundry machines and then used the rest of the money to buy a human-sized car. Would I rather be pay for a giant gas-guzzler, or would I rather hang and fold in the comfort of my own home? Fear that I was mowing over small children as I drove, or not have to lug dirty clothes around town? Look like a tool, or have clean loot? The MSRP on a brand-new Cadillac Escalade is $62,495 to $84,125. Washer/dryer combos run about $550-$1600. And in case you were wondering, no, the woman did not have an entourage following her out of the mothership. Just a sleepy husband and one tiny kid to announce her life choices.

This and That

Perusing the virtual designer aisles of my favorite internet store, I found this covet-worthy piece. Yes! Oodles of buckles! Why is it that I seek freedom in life, but bondage in skirts?

Why is it we want at once this, and its opposite that?

Today at Cowboys & Turbans, a Mexican-Indian lunch spot in Silverlake, I ate a burrito filled with tofu and spinach tikka masala and pondered this question.

Child of Pudding

Did you know Hermes makes an adhesive-note case? Yes, it's $240. We children of pudding need animal skin around our Post-its.

Our faces have similar requirements. There's colostrum from cows in moisturizer; not just any breast milk but the first breast milk, for newborns. Then there's Evolence, containing collagen from pigs' tendons, for plumper lips.

For those animal rights activists out there, forget the cases, the creams, the porcine injections, but do not forget the need to look like your pucker is mutating in its own separate human. There's collagen out there to support your ethical needs, made from human foreskin tissue. It's lab-grown, but with your priorities in life, you both are and look like a dick.

Money on Rollerskates

Oft has this blog been found through searching, strangely enough, for "ponysex." Talking Pony, not, You-Know Pony! Here are some of the more obscure ways readership for this mothership (of thoughts from me to you) has been obtained (English teacher says: Stop using the passive voice!):

+ "Vegetable eat palace"

+ "Turning into bushy squirrel"

+ "Audrey pony man"

+ "Free call: talking without pony"

+ "Where are the trannies on Sunday?"

+ "Tranny talking about how it is"

And

+ "Sexy Armenian mister"

Animals, man-erals, transsexuals: and here I thought I was just doodling my comedic sensibility. That, and receiving money on rollerskates.

AudreyDundeeHannah.com Update

My main website now features a new version of my bio in which I make clear my key selling points (no, it's not about the born-on date), celebrate my recent joining of AFTRA (The American Federation of Television and Radio Artists), and includes a clip of my work on "Ted Sampon: Househusband" for FOX in my reel. If the photos look different to you, that's because you are squinting and imagining me wearing a pirate outfit. Yes, I know, I should be in a pirate movie where girls and parrots sail the seven seas pillaging for gold. Obvs.

No Talking in the Library

Ooh, the Los Angeles public library is so secretive! I sent them an email about a faulty charge for an overdue book already returned, and got this response:

Dear Audrey,

Since we cannot verify the identity of email users, and for security reasons, we cannot discuss library account information or access a patron's library account in response to email inquiries.

Thank you for contacting the Los Angeles Public Library.

Librarian E.

"Librarian E": that's got to be the code name given when she was inducted into the Secret Order of the Loanable Book. Unfortunately, I cannot verify her identity, or if she is actually a robot sent to steal away tomes given back on time. It wouldn't be safe for me to live in this world if I knew.

Inspirational Corner

A Chinese proverb states, "When the wrong person uses the right means, the right means then have the wrong effect." Basically, the phony, regardless of tricks, twists, and turns is never going to unseat the true hero. Only our champion can pull the sword out of the stone, or tame the lion, or win the girl. This is great news: it means when we are right for the part, we're already right before we've even stepped up to bat. We must bat; we must become good at batting; but we will triumph. Thank you, resurrection flag on Archangel Gabriel's trumpet.

She Doesn't Know How To Sew, Just Wants Bees on Mesh

Out of dignity and respect, I dare not say the name of the hilarious television star that I had the privilege of improvising with at today's producer's session. I will, however, mention that across town at lunch a little while later Bruce Vilanch was sitting at the table next to mine and nicknamed me "Miuccia" after I told a bunch of Prada jokes. Funny celebrities everywhere, do not think I won't try to charm you with fashion insight; or in the case of the audition, charm. At least I hope they took my work and are wearing it like a bracelet that goes with all their outfits.

Big Dreams Come True, Like Noodles

As I stroll righteously through my big famousness, brushing my hair with ruby dust and plucking strands of emeralds from my teeth after a good salad, I wish to advise my constituents of not only the virtues of various hot sauces , but also the way of the noodle. After all, this week I did in fact receive my first unsolicited fan letter and autograph request. (Those I solicited turned me down, but mostly because my friends already have notes I've given them, and that.) Big dreams may begin with hot sauce, but they continue on with pasta:

#1 Mung bean threads. Also known as glass noodles, they are see-through and chewy as the dickens. Charles in particular made for an excellent granola bar.
#2 Rice sticks. The wider the better. Ideally, a house-sized surfboard of rice stick with gentleman callers in the form of bok choy atop.
#3 Brown rice spaghetti. It's like brown rice, but in a different shape and without all the self-satisfaction. Doesn't it look menacing, as if it were made of processed white flour, all cuddled up under that blanket of marinara?

Thus concludes my latest grocery suggestion, from my famous mouth to yours, but not in an intimate way; at least not while you're still chewing that gum.

Advice for Valentine's Day: Toys

Wondering what the face of a stuffed animal bought for a girl on Valentine's Day should look like? Look no further than the photograph above. See the childlike neediness, the addled eyes? It's like you're saying with this gift, I love you, and I know you probably want a baby, so here's one I don't have to take care of and you can put on a shelf somewhere next to your copies of Simone de Beauvoir from college.

Write the Feem Toon, Sing the Feem Toon

As I prepare for a big audition today, I think of what and what not to do. Particularly I think of "Little Britain" character Dennis Waterman, an out-of-work actor who turns down gigs unless all of his demands are met: "So they want me to star in it, write the feem toon, sing the feem toon..." Imagining myself at Sony pulling a Dennis relaxes me. After all, of course they want me to write the feem toon for this pilot.

Whole Fools Market

Let's suppose I had a terrible nut allergy, in which case I'd obviously choose to stroll alongside the bins with nuts in them, close enough to read any fine or bold print. Then I'd come upon a case of pistachios, with a sign affixed to it reading "Warning: this product may contain nuts or is processed in a facility that uses nuts." Well, what are they using the nuts for? Is it for putting the nuts in nut bins? In case you were or weren't hoping to purchase nuts? I don't like the look of that peanut drawing, either. Far too vague.

A Casting Professional Understands

He barely let me get in a handful of the script's words before saying, "You're wrong for Perky, read for Whiney." Another victory for casting professionals, who always seem to know I shine as the put-out bitch. I read for Whiney. Waving goodbye he said, "See you at callbacks!"

A brief memo on the day's festivities: No, I am not watching the Superbowl. I went to an audition for a campy play about nuns and now I am happily roasting potatoes. The end.

May We Make A Movie Suggestion

After carefully listing off all the qualities I enjoy in a good DVD rental, Netflix scratches its head and comes to this conclusion:
Netflix: trying to play it safe with me after that Third Reich suggestion.

The Rain in Los Angeles Falls Mainly On No One

Oh my gosh! The sky is crying. That's weird; this is the desert. Is there a propmaster and the special effects department standing by to create the effect? No. Strange!

We have a saying in Hollywood: If it's raining, go to your audition. Meaning: You will get the job, because no one else will be there. That is, if you don't get maimed by crazy drivers navigating the wet streets on your way to read for the part.

Beauty School Dropout

Dear Career Gods,

Please let my talented comedy writer friend create a short about a pubic hairstylist and cast me in the lead role. Let there be a series of flashback scenes in which my character drops out of beauty school while wearing a miniskirt covered in sunglasses. May I be chased by several other actors, including an older one crossing herself while she rushes me with a broom. And may a poster of my face (including wig) that reads "DO NOT HIRE THIS WOMAN" be left on a street where we were shooting in a suburb of Los Angeles.

Many thanks,
Audrey

The Cafeteria Made Me Do It

Wait, what am I doing in this room at mid-day? Why is there a brown sack in my hand? From whence does this craving for fruit rollups come? Be a good girl and do what the nice building says.

Imbolc, or Greetings From the Celtic Reconstructionists!

Huzzah, it's Badger Day! In which virginal girls carry dolls that look like hedgehogs and call them Brigid! And inside those dolls is an egg which can only balance perfectly when the sun is at 15 degrees of Aquarius! Which is also the nadir of its orbit, so that sun is feeling cocky! That sun is so high above you that it gets to pick whether winter ends in six weeks or spring begins in six weeks! What I'm saying is that sun has an attitude and might skip school today but there's nothing you can do about it! Don't forget the ewe's milk, and meet me somewhere we can smother some fire!