This Blog Post Brought To You By My Bachelor of Arts

The Times Higher Education World University Rankings just voted my alma mater, Stanford University, the number one university in the world for arts and humanities.  See above for my internationally recognized education's quick hand at preparing rosemary purple potatoes for dinner.  According to the study's performance indicators, those potatoes are a full 1.6 percentage points more delicious than those made by a Harvard grad.  

Nomatterwhatness

Dear Swiftly Departing Week,

Boy, you sure had a lot of tricks up your sleeve!  Everything from stressful workplace scenarios to taxes due on a notably low-income year to opening up one's front door to find it covered in animal pee.  You wrenched multiple loved ones to faraway places, you highlighted my various failures in life, and you straight up just cancelled plans.

In summary, you tested my nomatterwhatness.  You wanted to know if I could or would continue to show up every day, acting out of integrity and kindness, in the face of such unrelenting difficulty (really, Week?  On top of everything, getting harrassed by thugs right before an audition...in the lobby?!).  And the answer was a resounding yes.

So, in light of the physical principle that every action has an equal or opposite reaction, I think the stage is set for grand gestures of love, sudden blessings, wonderful fortune, and cookies.  Definitely cookies.

Yours truly,
Audrey 

***Addendum: That night, a stranger who identified herself only as "Z" handed me a bag of raw vegan chocolate macaroons.  Definitely cookies indeed!

Message Not Found Message

Sandwich Drive Thru Is Delicious

I've never had a taste for buildings, but I suppose if it's that delicious, I could give it a try. 

It's A Sign!!

Just when I thought the universe was leaving me without any answers, it's a sign!! 

Now I just have to find a bio to eet. 

Free Yoga and Spinning Classes

Hey there, Los Angeles!  I'm glad you're reading my blog, but sitting at your computer all day could make a person need some good workout time.  Want to sweat it out, burning about 500-600 calories as you groove to the music in an interval-based indoor cycling class; all the while releasing endorphins and feeling motivated again to take on your life?  Meet me in the spin room.  Want to stretch it out, building strength, poise, focus, and grace; relieving and releasing tension, anxiety, and toxins?  Meet me in the yoga room.  Either way, come back into your body, into your power.  Double it up for the best fitness regimen you could find.  First class is free!  See you at YAS Silverlake.

Paradise Lost and Found

As the song goes, they paved paradise, and put in a parking lot.  But then some of paradise came back and left its remains in my parking spot.  This morning as I walked to the driver's side door, I was pleased to find a welcome mat, a cigarette with a lipstick ring, and a clump of blonde doll or wig hair.  Paradise, while beaten down, clearly cannot be suppressed. 

Drooling Sunflowers

 

Not one to throw down for red roses for myself the week of Valentine's Day, I opted for sunflowers.  After walking by them and repeatedly finding little drops of water on my kitchen table, I crossed out the possibility that I was accidentally spilling and discovered that in fact they were drooling.  Drooling sunflowers?  I guess they do fit in alright with the twitching grapes and mumbling bananas on my counter.  Excuse me while I wake from this dream inside a Dali painting, and move into full recovery from all the holiday chocolate.  

New Photo by OG Photography

Thanks to the guys at OG Photography, I'm ready for pilot season!  (It's just a plus that I've also got an airplane around my neck.  And a bird!)

Team OG Photography

We were so busy taking everyone else's picture, we forgot to take our own!  Finally, we've captured our own team photo.  Jordan is owner/producer; Oren is owner/photographer; I'm operations; and Tommy is sales.  We specialize in business portraits and actor headshots.  Check us out at OG Pics, and get in touch if you'd like to schedule a session.

Pippi-dipity

What's better than a pet monkey and superhuman strength?  I suppose the joy of finding it there to begin with, where you were least expecting it.  This and more Pippi-ponderings here.

Back to School

Maria Montessori had some good ideas...that any teenager might misconstrue.  What does misconstrue mean?  I don't know, just check out my sweater.

At LYASt

Yesterday I taught my first yoga and spinning classes at YAS Silverlake.  Come January I'm on the official schedule, throwing down ten classes a week.  Tap it up!

Trainee in Wonderland

About two hundred classes in to going to my spinning and yoga gym, it seemed like I should teach there already.  Or so said my instructors, who maybe just wanted me to pick up the slack once in awhile!  Training to teach two things that you've done a great deal is a trip through the rabbit hole: nothing is different but nothing looks the same.  Instead of listening to the voice that moves you, you are that voice.  You are that lady in tight pants wearing a headset and shouting motivational catch-phrases over a pounding beat while her legs move a mile a minute.  Just call me Alice...but make sure to keep your core tight and your hands light on the handlebars. 

Giant Squid

Today in 2006, the elusive giant squid finally told Mr. DeMille he was ready for his closeup.  I report via "This Day Today," and wonder if scientists are the new wingmen.

Happy Some Holiday or Another

Happy Halloween!  Thanksgiving!  Black Friday!  Small Business Saturday!  Buy Stuff on Sunday!  Cyber Monday!

Day of Love

Let's reflect on Valentine's Day, via the Egyptian Day of Love.  The heart-filled episode of "This Day Today" is here.

(The Day of Love was actually on November 4th, not today's date of November 10th.  Guess I'm still wondering where those teddy bears with their giant, warm, furry paws went.)

Finger Yarmulke

Quesadilla-making burn or finger yarmulke?  You decide.

New Photos by OG Photography

My agents adore these new headshots from OG Photography.  Here's to great new acting jobs!

Sticky Name

Today Johannes Kepler named the brightest star in the night sky after himself, a full eight days after other people had already seen it.  I compare this to my own attempts at naming.

How Do I Use My Stuff?

In episode 10 of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet," again I receive an avalanche of fodder for a Dadaist litany from a Google search.  Oh, loopy People of the Internet!  One of them (played by special guest star Jordan Engle) stops by to teach me about pockets, and Toast Puppet keeps it crispy.  Check it out!

"Bones" Tonight

Tune in to FOX tonight at 8 PM to watch me guest star on "Bones" in the episode titled "The Tiger in the Tale," which you can also find on Hulu next week.  Lions, and tigers, and bears...and me!

New Photos by Secrest Photography

Check out more of Nakia of Secrest Photography's work here.  She's the bomb!

The Tiger in the Tale Preview

Set photos from "Bones" episode 804 have arrived online!  Catch a glimpse of my ponytail in the one above, but watch the show on October 8th at 8 PM on FOX to see my actual face.  And, of course, the tiger the in tale!

Date Tape

My discount grocery store loot: papaya, okra, potatoes, cactus, and an onion; for less than the price of a piece of gum at Whole Paycheck.  The real prize, however, was witnessing the nonplussed forty-year-old African American lady cashier get hit on by the sixty-five-year-old Eastern European guy bagger.  With the casual style of a bartender with time on his hands, he wore a big smile on his face and started in as she rang me up.

Bagger: You are beautiful, but you look ugly with that tape on your forehead.

Cashier: I need the tape, I have a headache.

Bagger: Have a shot of vodka with me.  I’m depressed too.

Cashier: I’m keeping the tape.

Bagger: I buy the vodka, you buy the chips.

By the time I left, no firm date was set, but I was pretty sure there was some off-brand liquor in their future.  I suppose the moral of the story is that a man’s willing to look past your imperfections, but you still have to bring him food; or that a piece of tape can keep away a headache, but not a lusty alcoholic.  Or maybe you're just supposed to come for the groceries and stay for the schtick.

Hippest Hipsters

This week, Forbes voted the neighborhood in which I live--Silverlake, in Los Angeles--"America's Hippest Hipster Neighborhood," followed by San Francisco's Mission District and Brooklyn's Williamsburg.  This study was based on things like walkability, artisanal coffee shops per capita, and how well citizens maneuvered walking to and from those coffee shops in their skinny jeans.  Proving that there's nothing quite like being called cool to make you feel uncool, I've been hanging out in Historic Filipinotown instead.  My pants are still tight and my beans are still single origin, but now I'm just so up-and-coming.  Time to find a new Thai vegan spot for some self-mock duck, if you know what I mean.

"Conclusions" Playlist

Visit or revisit my glasses collection, conversations with a lobster and a unicorn, and the eternal quest for some (not so) straight-forward answers about life in all the episodes of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  Each new episode is added to the playlist, so it's a link to bookmark--or just subscribe to my YouTube channel, audreydundeehannah.  Thanks for watching, and I look forward to bringing you more hijinks later this month!

Malcolm Gladwell Book Report

Today is writer Malcolm Gladwell's birthday, and in his honor, I give a book report as some kind of an art school dropout trying to hustle her way in the newsroom.  You can watch the episode of "This Day Today" here.

The Tiger in the Tale

Lucia (yours truly) and her husband Costas (Ryan Caltagirone) are driving back from a picnic when they end up in a whole lot of trouble.  And so begins the episode of "Bones" called "The Tiger in the Tale," directed by Dwight Little and written by Dean Lopata, to air early October on FOX.  Working on the show was an absolute pleasure, complete with two brilliant blue peacocks wandering through the arboretum where we were filming.  And what's better than getting to do a scene with Bones (Emily Deschanel) and Booth (David Boreanaz)?  

What Do My Strange Dreams Mean?

In "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet" episode 9, I delve into the People of the Internet's deep-seated fears of mazes, split ends, and sewing machines.  Along the way I also check in with a plastic baby about nude jogging...and don't quite get to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.  Or do I?

What Does Your Name Say About You?

On this, the eighth day of the eighth month, I give to you episode eight of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  Expect to have the sexy be brought back to the lobster, and the dancing back to the thumb.  And don't forget to comb your fur.

This Day Today + Me in One Spot

Check out my "This Day Today" playlist, if you want a debrief on the history of sliced bread, the parking meter, and why the U.S. economy is not unlike a grumpy teenager.

OMG Economy

And now for another brief quip via This Day Today, on the American attitude towards the debt issue.  Whatevs!

Parking Meter Patriotism

 

Why, oh why, must we pay to park?  Here's one explanation, via This Day Today.

Which Is The Best Pet For Me?

A corn snake, really?  And what's this business about a new refrigerator?  Enjoy a yam and a unicorn in episode seven of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  Please watch and share! 

As Good As Sliced Bread

Today my first episode of "This Day Today" is up!  The topic is the history of sliced bread, which is best thing since...you know.  It's a pleasure performing and writing for the show, especially being directed by the supremely talented Lynn Ferguson.  Look for my next episode August 3rd!

What Should I Eat Today?

 The people of the Internet have some pretty specific dietary instructions in episode six of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  What should you eat today?  Hint: fruit with braggadocio, sneakers and a tennis racket.  And beware, men over 35: you need to hunt down something meant for a baby.

Continuing the theme of what to put in your mouth, stay tuned for this Saturday July 7th, when my first episode of "This Day Today" goes live!

What Should I Wear Today?

Oh, Internet...so many conclusions to be drawn from you.  In episode 5, I ask “What should I wear today?”  Hint: forget about wearing those overwing exit doors, even if there’s a Pan Am pool party.

What Is the Key To Happiness?

"Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet" now has a fourth episode!  This time I ask "What is the key to happiness?" and make good use of a Google search.  Preview of coming attractions: JC, a fake relative, and a fashionable lunch. 

How Do I Get A Job?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode three, I ask the question "How do I get a job?"  Hint: playtime with 1040s and the future of the POTUS.

What Should I Do For Fun?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode two, I ask "What should I do for fun?"  Hint: horse, batter, tweezers, shoes.

Am I A Normal Man or Lady?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode one, I ask what we'd all like to know: "Am I normal man or lady?"  Hint: get started on the eating of biscuits and the chasing of nerds. 

180 Minutes of Spinning Pony!

We did it!  On Sunday, my spinning buddies and I logged in three hours at YAS-a-thon, fundraising for cancer research in Southern California through ThinkCure! and benefiting the local children's hospital.  Together, our roomful of folks raised over $25,000, and we had a blast hollering and jumping around on our bikes. 

Post on Internet Reveals Webseries on Internet

Coming soon: a new webseries written by and starring yours truly!  "Conclusions to be Drawn From the Internet" takes on the act of Google searching life's pressing questions and offers up some answers from "the people of the Internet."  Link to follow for the first episodes. 

If I Ever Need A Record Cover

 

Photograph by Jordan Engle of OG Photography.

Spinning Pony Still Seeking!

A big thank you to everyone who has donated so far to the fundraiser for ThinkCure! that I'm doing via the YAS-a-thon.  Less than three weeks until I mount that spinning bike for the big ride!  I'm 70% of the way to my goal, so if you'd like to pledge any amount, I'd greatly appreciate it.  Click here.

Tax Fat

Dear Harper's Bazaar,

Thank you for asking all the hard-hitting questions on topics impacting the modern woman, and particularly, for your recent article "Is Plastic Making You Fat?"  I already had confirmed through the scientific method that glass, wood, and marble were not making me fat.  But what about plastic? I wondered.  You confirmed that yes, in addition to the requirement that the ladies constantly worry about their lipids in general, they should fear things like water bottles in specific.  I will most take to heart your concluding advice: Wash your hands after handling lots of receipts.  Wow!  I never made the connection that there is nothing like a financial filing escapade to really pack on the pounds.  Like Midas, I suppose what you touch turns; or rather, turns you.  Why not invest in a hazmat suit?  Underneath its protective covering, you're skinny as can be. 

Love,

Audrey

Supermoon!

This Saturday we'll see the moon loom large in the sky, when it arrives at the closest point to Earth it ever gets.  The moon governs our bodies of water, and given that we're about 80% made of it, we'll feel the tug.  Repressed emotions and impassioned diatribes will surely come out to play.  Or maybe you'll take a more light-hearted tack, and gaze up at the behemoth hanging there like an unwieldy marble and ask, "Cosmos, is that a moon in your sky, or are you just happy to see me?"  Or you'll wonder what Supermoon's version of Clark Kent is.  Or if this lunar cycle purposefully coincides with Cinco de Mayo so that our massive friend can go in search of a big enough margarita to tip its BAC to be cop-worthy.  Good thing the moon doesn't have to worry about getting pulled over.