Reasons You Cannot Wear That to Work, As Explained by an Logician

You now have before you the new dress code policy for your workplace. Perhaps management did not fully go over the reasons behind these choices for the staff. I, a highly skilled analyst, will now explain to you why.

* Attire that reveals a midriff. This is clearly because women's belly buttons are where the man sticks his, you know. (Have I ever...? I have spent the last seventeen years at MIT. What do you think?) Not to mention the belly button is where the baby used to be attached to the mother, so it's like being reminded of your pretty coworker hanging out with another woman, when she was young and naked all the time.

* Skirts that are shorter than three inches above the knee when in a standing position. Measurements are taken this way to respect the disabilities of our staff that cannot sit or lie down. Why the knee? It's where the leg stops being the calf, and becomes sexy. Three inches above the knee puts us at approximately seventeen inches away from the belly button.

* Attire that is designated as sleepwear, underwear, or swimwear. This is so that clients and coworkers alike will not get confused, thinking you are about to take a nap, get undressed, or do the breaststroke. In fact, although their perceptual apparatuses may provide them with data points suggesting you are not participating in these activities, you may in fact already be doing these things. Management does not have time to tell you to wake up or stay out of the deep end.

* Attire that has offensive and/or derogatory terminology or graphics. With the use of and/or, you can no longer get away with something offensive but not derogatory, or derogatory but not offensive. For instance, whereas you once could wear a t-shirt worshipping Satan (offensive, but not derogatory, since Satan seems to have an open-door policy), or a t-shirt proclaiming your hatred of marshmallows (derogatory, but not particularly offensive since marshmallows are not actually that delicious), you cannot don slurs to any gender, national, or ethnic group. Note that non-offensive and non-derogatory graphics and terminology are not mentioned, ergo you are free to wear a dress printed with cheerful dancing unicorns playing in vats of butter.

* Heels should be no higher than three and a half inches. This is because anyone who wears four inch heels will be able to reach stuff on the top shelves better. What did we buy a ladder for, then? We spent our hard-earned money on that ladder. Wear flats.

* Any attire that is provocative, inappropriately revealing, or see-through. Look: if you're going to choose an outfit with mysteriously good French seams that allows us to witness your clavicle through a peep-hole in the garment, just go work somewhere else. It is not worth the damage that will be done by our staff falling over in shock at the sight of you, disturbed that underneath those clothes you are naked and over that nakedness are those...those clothes.