Post on Internet Reveals Webseries on Internet

Coming soon: a new webseries written by and starring yours truly!  "Conclusions to be Drawn From the Internet" takes on the act of Google searching life's pressing questions and offers up some answers from "the people of the Internet."  Link to follow for the first episodes. 

If I Ever Need A Record Cover

 

Photograph by Jordan Engle of OG Photography.

Spinning Pony Still Seeking!

A big thank you to everyone who has donated so far to the fundraiser for ThinkCure! that I'm doing via the YAS-a-thon.  Less than three weeks until I mount that spinning bike for the big ride!  I'm 70% of the way to my goal, so if you'd like to pledge any amount, I'd greatly appreciate it.  Click here.

Tax Fat

Dear Harper's Bazaar,

Thank you for asking all the hard-hitting questions on topics impacting the modern woman, and particularly, for your recent article "Is Plastic Making You Fat?"  I already had confirmed through the scientific method that glass, wood, and marble were not making me fat.  But what about plastic? I wondered.  You confirmed that yes, in addition to the requirement that the ladies constantly worry about their lipids in general, they should fear things like water bottles in specific.  I will most take to heart your concluding advice: Wash your hands after handling lots of receipts.  Wow!  I never made the connection that there is nothing like a financial filing escapade to really pack on the pounds.  Like Midas, I suppose what you touch turns; or rather, turns you.  Why not invest in a hazmat suit?  Underneath its protective covering, you're skinny as can be. 

Love,

Audrey

Supermoon!

This Saturday we'll see the moon loom large in the sky, when it arrives at the closest point to Earth it ever gets.  The moon governs our bodies of water, and given that we're about 80% made of it, we'll feel the tug.  Repressed emotions and impassioned diatribes will surely come out to play.  Or maybe you'll take a more light-hearted tack, and gaze up at the behemoth hanging there like an unwieldy marble and ask, "Cosmos, is that a moon in your sky, or are you just happy to see me?"  Or you'll wonder what Supermoon's version of Clark Kent is.  Or if this lunar cycle purposefully coincides with Cinco de Mayo so that our massive friend can go in search of a big enough margarita to tip its BAC to be cop-worthy.  Good thing the moon doesn't have to worry about getting pulled over. 

Spinning Pony for a Cure

On June 3rd, this talking pony will be getting on a bicycle and spinning for three straight hours at the annual YAS-a-thon in Silverlake to raise money for cancer research (ThinkCure!).  I can provide the spandex and the coconut water it'll take to get me through the workout, but where you come in is the funding to sponsor my ride!  My goal is to raise at least $1,000 for the organization.  I'm dedicating this endeavor to my aunt Miriam, recently diagnosed with bone and breast cancer, and I so appreciate your support.  You can donate here.

Crazy As A Pair Of Waltzing Mice

...Because mice are terrible at three-quarters time.

...Because mice waltzing are more sentimental than lunatic.

...Because all the mice skirts and mice trousers get in the way of quickly finding cheese.

Or to piggyback on Raymond Chandler's conclusion "but I like him," MacArthur Park turns out to be a pretty good place to trot around while a lake-soaked dog reminisces about the ducks he just about caught.  

The Deconstructivist Games

At the end of "The Hunger Games," Katniss and Peeta duke it out with that tedious blond kid. This teaches us the lesson that if you want to win a fight, you should do it on a Frank Gehry sculpture.

Wall Reminds Human What's Important Besides Worldly Success

Sad Candy Machines

Gentlemen and women of the candy, please refill your machines. They look so sad empty, and we're not giving you a quarter for those last three M&Ms.

The German Diplomat Proust Voiceover

My friend Tim Youker baked me President's Day cookies and mailed them in a box with shreds from his PhD dissertation, so naturally I couldn't resist reading some of them. Then I came across some snippets of words in my own files; temporary "poetry" tattoos from when I was a teenager. I present to you the mash-up I made of the body art and the academic musings.

Handsome Justin

There comes a time in every young woman's life when she needs a cup of black coffee and a friend to listen. Thank you, Handsome Coffee Roasters, for providing such a beaver. Justin was both kind and supportive as I wiled away the afternoon, face deep in my notebook. While I support him if he chooses to return to finish his PhD in American History, he sure does his job here well (and what orange teeth, what shiny fur). He has to pick up the slack: after all, one of the baristas has a broken arm, for the love of espresso. I bet Justin secretly works for WoodSmithe and chewed down the exposed beams in the shop himself. So silent and still...yet so capable of multitasking.

Scottish Tagger, Yo

There it is spraypainted on a downtown Los Angeles wall: my middle name, which was my great aunt's first name, from the city in Scotland with which our family has history. Sweet: a Scottish tagger on the loose in the arts district. Represent!

With Character/Personality (Not Her Face)

Every now and then casting notices suspiciously reference oneself. The screenshot above is only a mild example of this phenomenon. For instance, there might be a breakdown which calls for an actress who has been practicing yoga her whole life, whose favorite hobbies are vegan cooking, sewing, and reading about neurobiology and socioeconomic trends, and whose measurements are X-Y-Z. In other words, so very me. The beauty of such a listing is that I will submit myself for the casting director to call in and will not get called in to essentially play the role of myself. "You're everything we're looking for," they might say, "So we went with someone else."

An Actor Prepares

The closest thing I come to Method is using my brunch partner's bacon to make a face. Trust me, the work is better this way. And...scene.

Look Back in Wonderment

Here's a portrait of the actress at four or five. What blows my mind is that I'm the same person: haircut, taste in outfits, stance, and all. In fact, this is probably exactly how I look acting in my master class with Dan Ireland, except a little taller (5'9"). This is the essence of performance to me: looking out in the world in wonder, taking it in, reflecting it back. There I am in my dad's studio in SoHo, one of his paintings in the background, the perfect set. Check out the stool: maybe I'm about to climb on it and do a Beckett monologue. Even if it takes me a decade or two.

Double Day Job

Since most actors aren't fortunate enough to have work every day, we rely on the occasional job to fill in the gaps. This year, I've done a whole lot of body doubling. I've been the head, shoulders, butt, and legs of other actresses and models, shot from behind or from far away. Often I'll be on set with the person I'm playing a copy of, and like a loyal bodyguard, I think, I've got your back.

Advice From a Disgruntled Unicorn

Bathe.

Polish your horn once in awhile.

You're not special just because you know what a picaresque novel is.

I am not a photo opportunity. I don't even like taking pictures with my family. My head always comes out too big.

New Headshots by David Muller

Fresh for 2012, here are two of the faces I now use to greet the world, thanks to the talented photographer David Muller.

Here Sign Up Inside

It's 2012!

There are great things I'm looking forward to this year, including a record-breaking pilot season ahead with over 200 already purchased to be made (I shudder to think of a recent year where there were only about 22 in which one could be cast), the results of the new headshots I had taken at the end of last month, and of course, whatever new seaweed-based snack Trader Joe's manages to invent.

My attitude for this year is indeed about putting your name on the dotted line within. In other words, enough with the second-guessing and the trying to be what you think they'll want, in all categories. Tune in to what you know as your truth. Out with old and in with the bold. Here, sign up inside!