Some Mantis To Watch Over Me

Hey there, enormous lady insect right outside my apartment door. I've heard tell you sometimes feel like eating men, mice, and hummingbirds, and do. Hence the confusion over whether to refer to you as "praying" or "preying." You've got good front limbs for being reverential, though, with or without some leafy temple. I wish you had access to the internet, so you could fill me in on which of the meanings I should ascribe to your sudden appearance: the importance of stillness and patience before making the right move? A sign that the opportunity I've been awaiting is arriving now? That I need to wear more green, or get my biceps in better shape to audition for that girl pirate movie coming up?

For a minute there, you got worried I was after you, and with increasing speed starting scrambling off on those masterful paws. When I backed off and headed up the stairs you got still again and tracked me with your big, moony eyes. A day and a half later, I'm still thinking of you, hoping you'll stop by again to take out some cockroaches and use the English language to guide me.

Viva Los Girlparts: Germs, Clowns, or Dolls

Today's round of audition notices-for-the-masses in Hollywood were especially fruity.

Today we 20-t0-30-somethings had the opportunity to speak out on our phobia of germs, clowns, or dolls.

If we have a big head, we could receive body painting in service of the big company led by a guileless mouse.

If we look like a realtor, there are many options (note: have we sold a house before?).

Are we willing to commit to a "rape portion" of a script, concluding with "lifelessness"?

Are we the elder of two sea-nymphs?

Foot Soaking Work Underpants

To unwind from a long, exhausting set of circumstances, my friend Gemini and I spent the afternoon at a Korean day spa for women. The moment I realized everyone gets to just walk around naked everywhere I relaxed, but the moment I realized the toilet paper was covered in cartoon drawings of squirrels on skateboards, I swooned. Having a place where you can float in a giant cup of mugwort tea or get massaged by a middle-aged woman wearing nothing but a black bra and underpants (if they're not taking their watermelon snack break) is very special, even if all you end up doing is lying on a heated jade floor. "Cuddle up under a blanket printed with heart-shaped ladybugs," the spa is saying. "You don't need that silly job anyway."

True Romance, Courtesy of Myself at Seven

Question: why is the guy the one in the tower, as if to be rescued? Is Arlene pissed off, or flirting? And where did Garfield get such a great vest-and-shirt combo?

Foot Soaking Shoulder

I got this notice rubberbanded to my door after coming home from pretending to be an antelope-feasting lion in the jungle for the head of casting at SONY. Only $14.95? Do they also do foot soaking shoulder and paws?

...And What-Not

The latest virus to hit the mouths of people scrambling for the end of a sentence is the phrase "and what-not." Want to convince someone of your credentials but don't actually have any? Drop the one thing you have done and conclude with "and what-not." Want to suggest an array of things you wish you were into but aren't? End with "and what-not." Even, dare I say, wax philosophical, and in conclusion, "and what-not." Say, I've done lots of acting, like improv, you know, and what-not. Say, I'm into all means and modes of weekend activity, like lemonade and what-not. Say, Jean-Paul Sartre really did know what he was talking about when he talked about nothingness...and what-not. If it was a show about fashion, it'd be And What-Not to Wear.

Real Life Hollywood Questions: Scene for Agent

Those not privy to the actual questions that run through the minds of those in Hollywood might like to know that we are not just thinking about the sheen of our hair. We are doing higher mathematics mentally, trying to suss out the route to the best possible outcome. For instance, an agent wants to see an actor such as myself perform a scene in his office. After hunting for such a scene and coming up with a few alternatives from film and television, a real-life Hollywood question is, "Is it better to do this scene in which a character rants about the 'if it's yellow, let it mellow' rule, or this scene in which a heartfelt confession of love ends in a lecture about the value of soy cheese?" (Note that in the above headshot, I do not yet know the answer.)

If You're Going to Go Ugly...

...go twin ugly. Thank you, coworker, for this wise advice. Now I am twice as hydrated.

Go-Go-Go

In times of packed schedule and overwhelm, the answer to "What's up?" needs a subtitle. Does it mean to relay the depth and breadth of seismic activity in one's sphere, detailing career strategems and pawns lifted and moved? Or is all that's wanted a chipper quip about how the night before last I dreamt I ate a hot lemon-glazed donut? There was a huge tower of such pastries, actually. When I awoke I didn't crave a single one. Oh, and then the whole bit in my waking life about climbing the ladder in Hollywood. Less frosting, more monologues.

Maria Callas at a Vegetable Palace

Some people see food as just a biological need or a form of entertainment, but I have a relationship with it that is operatic. Witness me nearing lunchtime, ye disbelievers! I believe in fresh, organic ingredients and attentive, tender care of them much more than I believe in medicine, doctors, diagnoses. I put produce through my juicer religiously; saute vegetables and arrange meals with speed and artistry; plan what I'll make as if I'm running my own restaurant. I am, and I really like what the chef makes. Whether it's spinach lasagna made with tofu ricotta, barbeque tempeh, mushrooms, and swiss chard, or a spicy Thai curry, I...drool, drool...I gotta go cook. Welcome to my kitchen. Where I will never have to wear a hairnet.

Sometimes There's Only a Small Window

And if you're too stupid to see what's in front of you, you miss out. Thankfully, there are things upon which we can always count, such as the month of October used for puns related to beer-drinking. Such as corporate America wanting its employees to write and not say their opinions. And yes, such as an ever-present disturbing glove left near my car at various points in the neighborhood. How do these things relate? You try dressing up as a deli worker for a Halloween party with a keg hosted by your office. You just try.