Novice Knows Best

The following are some tips and tricks from this newcomer to screenwriting, who after years and years of working in other genres finally has come around to things to be said, not read, on camera. Believe me, dear Reader, after the mere days I have put in, I have got it all figured out. And they said it'd be a challenge!

Rule #1. The book you bought to teach you screenwriting has got a lot of funny words in it. "Make cards with events that happen": ha ha! Everyone knows life is a big muddle of feeling, best expressed by your characters in amorphous vowel-filled sounds.

Rule #2. Alcohols. This word was once spied on my best friend Krista's grocery list. A lot of screenwriters before made lots of drinking, but I don't make any drinking while writing. I make sleeping. It's inevitable that the words will flow effortlessly from my fingertips onto the page if I am not awake for it. Backup plan: hire those monkeys with typewriters to finish for me once they're done with Hamlet.

Rule #3. I know a screenplay's supposed to be 90-120 pages, but isn't the director going to fill up the time with lots of closeups and extra funny bits that he invents on set? The 19 pages I've got will go far...that'll fill an hour and a half, right? And Now For Our Feature Presentation.