Pony on Stilts

Last night I had a dream about two ponies that had built-in stilts for legs. Then it turned out that one was a man and one a woman, each wearing a pony suit. They danced together while a giant herd of cows came running through the field. This was all some kind of relief, which goes to show you that three days in a cubicle really can make you feel like an animal in a box, chewing on carrots to pass the time.

To Dream the InPotsticker Dream...

Take that, impossibility. I'll opt for the soy sauce.

Things Signs Say: Watch Your Step

Really, you should watch out. If the door is too short for the ground, and you're going to exit with your sexy leg.

Guap

Guapo means "handsome" in Spanish, and refers to quite a pretty penny when spoken as Guap. Referring to a pile of cash that's astronomical in size, when you drop a guap you've laid down a load. I propose some additional conjugations of the word to further its lexicographical use:

$ Guappy. A general insult to the rich, as derived from the playground slang of calling someone a "guppy." "What a tasteless gill-breathing guappy," Cindy declared about Andrea in light of her beige silk couches and veined marble entryway.

$ Guapcamole. When you're so rich you're practically eating your dough. Alternately, a five-star dining experience. "Gee Hank," said Sandy, "I'm sure full of guapcamole after two hours at French Laundry!"

$ Guaptistic. Also used as Adult Guaptism Spectrum Disorder. When someone can only mobilize social skills to serve the gain or use of money. "Stop trading on the stock market and come play with your children," Risa begged Charles. "If you become any more guaptistic I'm going to have to take you off gluten again."

Moose Tracks, or Peanut Butter and Chocolate

Dare I suggest this building is filled with ice cream and the chimney is an industrial blender, ready to produce an abundance of milkshakes?

Grandmationary: The Eel's Hips

Eels don't have hips. Maybe that's why back in 1920 everyone preferred saying "She's the cat's meow." This, however, discounts entirely the fact that the kitten's call can just as easily be irritating as charming. Eels, on the other hand, never need slim down to fit into cigarette pants. Like our runway models, they are the adolescent boys of the animal kingdom. And I suppose that's something to admire; or at least that somebody did, hooting out to a passerby that tidy phrase that goes beyond suggesting what could fill a sushi roll.

Popsicle Makeover

Rebranding sometimes appears to be the action of someone's having dipped too much into the rebrandy. Rather than a hot toddy, the drink's gone completely lukewarm. With an already successful product, the question has to be raised: why the hedgy, impulsive behavior?

The perfection of Palapa Azul coconut popsicles cannot be overstated. They don't contain dairy or highly processed sugars, they're milky and chunky and perfectly shaped, and their flavor is consistent and lush. I knew some of these things from reading the box, but seeing the box, I sensed them all. Exhibit A, outlined in red above: spacious, effervescent use of Helvetica. A hint of a tropical beach through gentle use of color. A clean layout to match my gustatory sensibility (and that of the general Whole Foods demographics).

On the other hand, exhibit B, in which a handwriting font marries an awkward sketched reiteration of a cartoony vacation brochure photo. Our all-natural, un-dyed bar gets bleached, bitten, and angled to employ its blatant sexuality, with two coconut halves to match. Okay, so instead of being urged to "just escape," we're assured we've escaped and it's 100% natural, but we haven't. We're in our overheated apartment inbetween jobs chilling out with an icy snack, and despite the positive messaging, the whole package screams big-box grocery store in a way that makes me suspect I'll get cavities. Like a cute girl in too much makeup, I want to urge Palapa Azul to take a good shower before going out, reassure: You're fantastic just the way you are.

Frozen Smiles

I adore novelty ice: hence the assorted pastel trays filling my freezer. And this product by my design-team darling fills my cup with upper and lower dentures. Thanks for bringing the Grandma to my iced coffee, Fred!

Things Signs Say: Little Girls Only/In the Place Where Words Should Go: Lady

At the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, there's one stall in the women's bathroom reserved for the underdeveloped. It reads "Little Girls Only," and comes complete with miniature toilet. Does this stop certain friends of mine from partaking in some tiny joy?

Little girl, fine. But what's with the new use of the word lady? "Hey lady!" chipper urbanites say to one another. "Hey lady!" says even my mother. One thing to call myself a lady; quite another to be greeted as such. To call oneself a lady: comical. To be saluted as one: grating.

Did I just get off the golf course with a fresh manicure and a sensibility as vast as the square footage of a shopping cart? Did I attend a debutante ball and properly breeze through adolescence without a hitch? Am I on an after-office softball team wearing white shorts and a visor, engagement ring pert on my narrow finger? No. I am photographing a small plastic rabbit and thinking up lewd jokes to tell on stage. Girly, maybe...but hardly a lady. And I hold my head high.

Novice Knows Best

The following are some tips and tricks from this newcomer to screenwriting, who after years and years of working in other genres finally has come around to things to be said, not read, on camera. Believe me, dear Reader, after the mere days I have put in, I have got it all figured out. And they said it'd be a challenge!

Rule #1. The book you bought to teach you screenwriting has got a lot of funny words in it. "Make cards with events that happen": ha ha! Everyone knows life is a big muddle of feeling, best expressed by your characters in amorphous vowel-filled sounds.

Rule #2. Alcohols. This word was once spied on my best friend Krista's grocery list. A lot of screenwriters before made lots of drinking, but I don't make any drinking while writing. I make sleeping. It's inevitable that the words will flow effortlessly from my fingertips onto the page if I am not awake for it. Backup plan: hire those monkeys with typewriters to finish for me once they're done with Hamlet.

Rule #3. I know a screenplay's supposed to be 90-120 pages, but isn't the director going to fill up the time with lots of closeups and extra funny bits that he invents on set? The 19 pages I've got will go far...that'll fill an hour and a half, right? And Now For Our Feature Presentation.

Things Signs Say: !!

If you're going to be a good political activist-slash-graffiti artist, you need to have passion. And the only way to display that verve is through the use of multiple exclamation points!! If you were to suggest that you wanted to free Tibet without those top-heavy dash-dots, it would be obvious you don't care. Especially in San Francisco's Mission District, where you tagged your opinion. Obvious!!!

Lady GaGa Finally Caught Up With Me

At least Botox hasn't.

Naked Harry Potter

The new Harry Potter movie campaign promises "Dark Secrets Revealed." I'm hoping that includes an explanation about why my father's ex-wife would take my niece to the New York production of "Equus" that starred Daniel Radcliffe. I know the play is old news, but the fact that my dear child was subjected to multiple acts of naked Harry while seated in the front row...help, Hermione, help!

Vacation Means Never Having To Wear Real Shoes

...But bringing extra pairs anyway to drag around in case of attempt to look like a clothed person.