Cures Recommended by the Internet

Thanks to holistic practitioners with DSL, we now no longer need to go to medical doctors, read books, or call our mothers when bodily woes creep up on us. Instead, there is a wealth of knowledge at the ready, simply by knowing what fad keywords to enter into Google. You too can fix yourself in a few short steps! Here are some examples of cures recommended by the Internet:

+ The Watermelon Cleanse. This fixes your kidneys. If you don’t know what kidneys are, they are beans inside of your body. I don’t know how they got there (maybe burritos). All you have to do for the cleanse is sit all day in a bathtub filled with water. You continuously eat two big melons and pee. Stones of all sizes come out, so hopefully you know a good jeweler.

+ The Water of Life Cure. Also known as the “Golden Fountain,” this cure is also about urine, but substituted for watermelon in your mouth. But instead of urine in your mouth and watermelon in your bathtub, there’s no watermelon in your bathtub. Basically you are drinking your own pee. Apparently this makes you feel connected to your true self, resolves mineral imbalances, and gives you something to talk about when you someday meet Madonna or some of the people on the Internet.

+ The Lemonade Diet. This sounds like another name for the “Water of Life Cure,” but it is actually lemon juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and water mixed and set on repeat for ten solid days. Supposedly you will fix your metabolism, flush out old toxins, and be recognizable to grocery checkout employees in southern California. If you wonder whether you’ll end up more like the dancing lemon on the cover of the books or like Beyonce, who once employed the diet, the answer is that there is no dancing lemon. You are just hungry.