Parking Meter Patriotism

 

Why, oh why, must we pay to park?  Here's one explanation, via This Day Today.

Which Is The Best Pet For Me?

A corn snake, really?  And what's this business about a new refrigerator?  Enjoy a yam and a unicorn in episode seven of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  Please watch and share! 

As Good As Sliced Bread

Today my first episode of "This Day Today" is up!  The topic is the history of sliced bread, which is best thing since...you know.  It's a pleasure performing and writing for the show, especially being directed by the supremely talented Lynn Ferguson.  Look for my next episode August 3rd!

What Should I Eat Today?

 The people of the Internet have some pretty specific dietary instructions in episode six of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  What should you eat today?  Hint: fruit with braggadocio, sneakers and a tennis racket.  And beware, men over 35: you need to hunt down something meant for a baby.

Continuing the theme of what to put in your mouth, stay tuned for this Saturday July 7th, when my first episode of "This Day Today" goes live!

What Should I Wear Today?

Oh, Internet...so many conclusions to be drawn from you.  In episode 5, I ask “What should I wear today?”  Hint: forget about wearing those overwing exit doors, even if there’s a Pan Am pool party.

What Is the Key To Happiness?

"Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet" now has a fourth episode!  This time I ask "What is the key to happiness?" and make good use of a Google search.  Preview of coming attractions: JC, a fake relative, and a fashionable lunch. 

How Do I Get A Job?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode three, I ask the question "How do I get a job?"  Hint: playtime with 1040s and the future of the POTUS.

What Should I Do For Fun?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode two, I ask "What should I do for fun?"  Hint: horse, batter, tweezers, shoes.

Am I A Normal Man or Lady?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode one, I ask what we'd all like to know: "Am I normal man or lady?"  Hint: get started on the eating of biscuits and the chasing of nerds. 

180 Minutes of Spinning Pony!

We did it!  On Sunday, my spinning buddies and I logged in three hours at YAS-a-thon, fundraising for cancer research in Southern California through ThinkCure! and benefiting the local children's hospital.  Together, our roomful of folks raised over $25,000, and we had a blast hollering and jumping around on our bikes. 

Post on Internet Reveals Webseries on Internet

Coming soon: a new webseries written by and starring yours truly!  "Conclusions to be Drawn From the Internet" takes on the act of Google searching life's pressing questions and offers up some answers from "the people of the Internet."  Link to follow for the first episodes. 

If I Ever Need A Record Cover

 

Photograph by Jordan Engle of OG Photography.

Spinning Pony Still Seeking!

A big thank you to everyone who has donated so far to the fundraiser for ThinkCure! that I'm doing via the YAS-a-thon.  Less than three weeks until I mount that spinning bike for the big ride!  I'm 70% of the way to my goal, so if you'd like to pledge any amount, I'd greatly appreciate it.  Click here.

Tax Fat

Dear Harper's Bazaar,

Thank you for asking all the hard-hitting questions on topics impacting the modern woman, and particularly, for your recent article "Is Plastic Making You Fat?"  I already had confirmed through the scientific method that glass, wood, and marble were not making me fat.  But what about plastic? I wondered.  You confirmed that yes, in addition to the requirement that the ladies constantly worry about their lipids in general, they should fear things like water bottles in specific.  I will most take to heart your concluding advice: Wash your hands after handling lots of receipts.  Wow!  I never made the connection that there is nothing like a financial filing escapade to really pack on the pounds.  Like Midas, I suppose what you touch turns; or rather, turns you.  Why not invest in a hazmat suit?  Underneath its protective covering, you're skinny as can be. 

Love,

Audrey

Supermoon!

This Saturday we'll see the moon loom large in the sky, when it arrives at the closest point to Earth it ever gets.  The moon governs our bodies of water, and given that we're about 80% made of it, we'll feel the tug.  Repressed emotions and impassioned diatribes will surely come out to play.  Or maybe you'll take a more light-hearted tack, and gaze up at the behemoth hanging there like an unwieldy marble and ask, "Cosmos, is that a moon in your sky, or are you just happy to see me?"  Or you'll wonder what Supermoon's version of Clark Kent is.  Or if this lunar cycle purposefully coincides with Cinco de Mayo so that our massive friend can go in search of a big enough margarita to tip its BAC to be cop-worthy.  Good thing the moon doesn't have to worry about getting pulled over. 

Spinning Pony for a Cure

On June 3rd, this talking pony will be getting on a bicycle and spinning for three straight hours at the annual YAS-a-thon in Silverlake to raise money for cancer research (ThinkCure!).  I can provide the spandex and the coconut water it'll take to get me through the workout, but where you come in is the funding to sponsor my ride!  My goal is to raise at least $1,000 for the organization.  I'm dedicating this endeavor to my aunt Miriam, recently diagnosed with bone and breast cancer, and I so appreciate your support.  You can donate here.

Crazy As A Pair Of Waltzing Mice

...Because mice are terrible at three-quarters time.

...Because mice waltzing are more sentimental than lunatic.

...Because all the mice skirts and mice trousers get in the way of quickly finding cheese.

Or to piggyback on Raymond Chandler's conclusion "but I like him," MacArthur Park turns out to be a pretty good place to trot around while a lake-soaked dog reminisces about the ducks he just about caught.  

The Deconstructivist Games

At the end of "The Hunger Games," Katniss and Peeta duke it out with that tedious blond kid. This teaches us the lesson that if you want to win a fight, you should do it on a Frank Gehry sculpture.

Wall Reminds Human What's Important Besides Worldly Success

Sad Candy Machines

Gentlemen and women of the candy, please refill your machines. They look so sad empty, and we're not giving you a quarter for those last three M&Ms.