Ghost of a Decade (Almost) Past

And now we say farewell to the decade that brought us the boom, the bust, and those sunglasses that look like shutters (a nice way to accessorize when protesting the war by not using fossil fuels turns into only being able to afford one's own foot traffic). Fly free, cigarette fairy left by late-night east side hipsters, and in doing so usher in the dawn of a new era. Or at least a renewed devotion to the gym as we leave the oughts for the teens.

Nonverbal Day

Ode to Christmas Card

Still haven't figured out a way to top the Christmas card I sent out in 2004. Why mess with something so right (note lobster)? And now, I return to dressing up as a male baby and playing with my frankincense.

Convenience Store

Stopping by to easily pick up what is needed, the customers of this something-for-everyone quick stop need only ask themselves one question. Knives or dolls? (Dolls are harder to reach.)

Sea-creature Revenge

This sign recently spotted at an upscale LA grocery store. Clearly a warning to its customers they ought to mend their meaty ways, or at least hide the butter sauce?

Talking Pony Signs On!

Today I signed with Berman Sacks Talent Agency for commercial representation. Hooray! Perhaps to some, filling out a lot of legal documents feels oppressive, but to me they signal the possibility of world domination. Or at least cornering the market in booking roles as a quirky insurance salesperson, a secretary with the flu, or a herpes virus. Sometimes I really, really love Los Angeles.

I Like My Syrup Dapper

Please add top hat.

Happy Decembmeyer

When life tells you to make lemonade, be thankful your laundromat gives you lemons.

Le Pissed Resistance

FOX rolled out "Ted Sampon: Househusband," Team Tiger Awesome's clever and snappier sidebar to reality show "Hollywood House Husbands," and the episode I guest-star in is up! It's episode nine out of nine, so you might want to watch the full run for maximum comedic saturation. Either way, you can find me tricking fools in a mustache here.

Definition: Rampant

ram·pant (rmpnt) adj.

1. Extending unchecked; unrestrained.

2. Occurring without restraint and frequently.

And then, in case we'd lost touch with verbal history, the dictionary provides a glyph:Clearly, "rampant" means "king lion pawing you with his tongue out."

Current Economy Explained Through iTunes

Let's hope it really is just for a limited time.

Lost Underpants

Economic times have been tough; you've got to make sure you've got at least seven pairs to complete the set. I just hope this recent posting in my neighb isn't trying to pass as installation art. LACC, after all, isn't too many blocks away.

I Finally Understand: Squirrels

Squirrels must be smarter than all other urban wildlife; they must have figured out that if they slow down in the least we will tame and hoard them as our pets. They must sense how desirable their big fluffy tails and bright money eyes are and how much we love them. One eyed me from the cafe garden gates, and if it had winked, that wink would have been all-knowing.

In Summary

A) The Fonz (yes, Henry Winkler) and I concocted a business plan to benefit Orthodox Jewish women on Monday; B) I got to live out my childhood dream of acting as an airplane with the aid of a weightlifter on Tuesday; C) On Wednesday, I bought $13.15 of seaweed.

Tomorrow (Thursday): it's going to be 1989, and I'm already preparing the hair.

Be Yourself For Halloween

Meaning that I asked myself existential questions while cleaning house and watching past episodes of "Mad Men." If the walls to the spirits were thin last night, my dearly departeds got a good glimpse of what it means to clutter-clear without face paint or a naughty nurse costume.

Some Mantis To Watch Over Me

Hey there, enormous lady insect right outside my apartment door. I've heard tell you sometimes feel like eating men, mice, and hummingbirds, and do. Hence the confusion over whether to refer to you as "praying" or "preying." You've got good front limbs for being reverential, though, with or without some leafy temple. I wish you had access to the internet, so you could fill me in on which of the meanings I should ascribe to your sudden appearance: the importance of stillness and patience before making the right move? A sign that the opportunity I've been awaiting is arriving now? That I need to wear more green, or get my biceps in better shape to audition for that girl pirate movie coming up?

For a minute there, you got worried I was after you, and with increasing speed starting scrambling off on those masterful paws. When I backed off and headed up the stairs you got still again and tracked me with your big, moony eyes. A day and a half later, I'm still thinking of you, hoping you'll stop by again to take out some cockroaches and use the English language to guide me.

Viva Los Girlparts: Germs, Clowns, or Dolls

Today's round of audition notices-for-the-masses in Hollywood were especially fruity.

Today we 20-t0-30-somethings had the opportunity to speak out on our phobia of germs, clowns, or dolls.

If we have a big head, we could receive body painting in service of the big company led by a guileless mouse.

If we look like a realtor, there are many options (note: have we sold a house before?).

Are we willing to commit to a "rape portion" of a script, concluding with "lifelessness"?

Are we the elder of two sea-nymphs?

Foot Soaking Work Underpants

To unwind from a long, exhausting set of circumstances, my friend Gemini and I spent the afternoon at a Korean day spa for women. The moment I realized everyone gets to just walk around naked everywhere I relaxed, but the moment I realized the toilet paper was covered in cartoon drawings of squirrels on skateboards, I swooned. Having a place where you can float in a giant cup of mugwort tea or get massaged by a middle-aged woman wearing nothing but a black bra and underpants (if they're not taking their watermelon snack break) is very special, even if all you end up doing is lying on a heated jade floor. "Cuddle up under a blanket printed with heart-shaped ladybugs," the spa is saying. "You don't need that silly job anyway."

True Romance, Courtesy of Myself at Seven

Question: why is the guy the one in the tower, as if to be rescued? Is Arlene pissed off, or flirting? And where did Garfield get such a great vest-and-shirt combo?

Foot Soaking Shoulder

I got this notice rubberbanded to my door after coming home from pretending to be an antelope-feasting lion in the jungle for the head of casting at SONY. Only $14.95? Do they also do foot soaking shoulder and paws?