Post on Internet Reveals Webseries on Internet

Coming soon: a new webseries written by and starring yours truly!  "Conclusions to be Drawn From the Internet" takes on the act of Google searching life's pressing questions and offers up some answers from "the people of the Internet."  Link to follow for the first episodes. 

If I Ever Need A Record Cover

 

Photograph by Jordan Engle of OG Photography.

Spinning Pony Still Seeking!

A big thank you to everyone who has donated so far to the fundraiser for ThinkCure! that I'm doing via the YAS-a-thon.  Less than three weeks until I mount that spinning bike for the big ride!  I'm 70% of the way to my goal, so if you'd like to pledge any amount, I'd greatly appreciate it.  Click here.

Tax Fat

Dear Harper's Bazaar,

Thank you for asking all the hard-hitting questions on topics impacting the modern woman, and particularly, for your recent article "Is Plastic Making You Fat?"  I already had confirmed through the scientific method that glass, wood, and marble were not making me fat.  But what about plastic? I wondered.  You confirmed that yes, in addition to the requirement that the ladies constantly worry about their lipids in general, they should fear things like water bottles in specific.  I will most take to heart your concluding advice: Wash your hands after handling lots of receipts.  Wow!  I never made the connection that there is nothing like a financial filing escapade to really pack on the pounds.  Like Midas, I suppose what you touch turns; or rather, turns you.  Why not invest in a hazmat suit?  Underneath its protective covering, you're skinny as can be. 

Love,

Audrey

Supermoon!

This Saturday we'll see the moon loom large in the sky, when it arrives at the closest point to Earth it ever gets.  The moon governs our bodies of water, and given that we're about 80% made of it, we'll feel the tug.  Repressed emotions and impassioned diatribes will surely come out to play.  Or maybe you'll take a more light-hearted tack, and gaze up at the behemoth hanging there like an unwieldy marble and ask, "Cosmos, is that a moon in your sky, or are you just happy to see me?"  Or you'll wonder what Supermoon's version of Clark Kent is.  Or if this lunar cycle purposefully coincides with Cinco de Mayo so that our massive friend can go in search of a big enough margarita to tip its BAC to be cop-worthy.  Good thing the moon doesn't have to worry about getting pulled over. 

Spinning Pony for a Cure

On June 3rd, this talking pony will be getting on a bicycle and spinning for three straight hours at the annual YAS-a-thon in Silverlake to raise money for cancer research (ThinkCure!).  I can provide the spandex and the coconut water it'll take to get me through the workout, but where you come in is the funding to sponsor my ride!  My goal is to raise at least $1,000 for the organization.  I'm dedicating this endeavor to my aunt Miriam, recently diagnosed with bone and breast cancer, and I so appreciate your support.  You can donate here.

Crazy As A Pair Of Waltzing Mice

...Because mice are terrible at three-quarters time.

...Because mice waltzing are more sentimental than lunatic.

...Because all the mice skirts and mice trousers get in the way of quickly finding cheese.

Or to piggyback on Raymond Chandler's conclusion "but I like him," MacArthur Park turns out to be a pretty good place to trot around while a lake-soaked dog reminisces about the ducks he just about caught.  

The Deconstructivist Games

At the end of "The Hunger Games," Katniss and Peeta duke it out with that tedious blond kid. This teaches us the lesson that if you want to win a fight, you should do it on a Frank Gehry sculpture.

Wall Reminds Human What's Important Besides Worldly Success

Sad Candy Machines

Gentlemen and women of the candy, please refill your machines. They look so sad empty, and we're not giving you a quarter for those last three M&Ms.

The German Diplomat Proust Voiceover

My friend Tim Youker baked me President's Day cookies and mailed them in a box with shreds from his PhD dissertation, so naturally I couldn't resist reading some of them. Then I came across some snippets of words in my own files; temporary "poetry" tattoos from when I was a teenager. I present to you the mash-up I made of the body art and the academic musings.

Handsome Justin

There comes a time in every young woman's life when she needs a cup of black coffee and a friend to listen. Thank you, Handsome Coffee Roasters, for providing such a beaver. Justin was both kind and supportive as I wiled away the afternoon, face deep in my notebook. While I support him if he chooses to return to finish his PhD in American History, he sure does his job here well (and what orange teeth, what shiny fur). He has to pick up the slack: after all, one of the baristas has a broken arm, for the love of espresso. I bet Justin secretly works for WoodSmithe and chewed down the exposed beams in the shop himself. So silent and still...yet so capable of multitasking.

Scottish Tagger, Yo

There it is spraypainted on a downtown Los Angeles wall: my middle name, which was my great aunt's first name, from the city in Scotland with which our family has history. Sweet: a Scottish tagger on the loose in the arts district. Represent!

With Character/Personality (Not Her Face)

Every now and then casting notices suspiciously reference oneself. The screenshot above is only a mild example of this phenomenon. For instance, there might be a breakdown which calls for an actress who has been practicing yoga her whole life, whose favorite hobbies are vegan cooking, sewing, and reading about neurobiology and socioeconomic trends, and whose measurements are X-Y-Z. In other words, so very me. The beauty of such a listing is that I will submit myself for the casting director to call in and will not get called in to essentially play the role of myself. "You're everything we're looking for," they might say, "So we went with someone else."

An Actor Prepares

The closest thing I come to Method is using my brunch partner's bacon to make a face. Trust me, the work is better this way. And...scene.

Look Back in Wonderment

Here's a portrait of the actress at four or five. What blows my mind is that I'm the same person: haircut, taste in outfits, stance, and all. In fact, this is probably exactly how I look acting in my master class with Dan Ireland, except a little taller (5'9"). This is the essence of performance to me: looking out in the world in wonder, taking it in, reflecting it back. There I am in my dad's studio in SoHo, one of his paintings in the background, the perfect set. Check out the stool: maybe I'm about to climb on it and do a Beckett monologue. Even if it takes me a decade or two.

Double Day Job

Since most actors aren't fortunate enough to have work every day, we rely on the occasional job to fill in the gaps. This year, I've done a whole lot of body doubling. I've been the head, shoulders, butt, and legs of other actresses and models, shot from behind or from far away. Often I'll be on set with the person I'm playing a copy of, and like a loyal bodyguard, I think, I've got your back.

Advice From a Disgruntled Unicorn

Bathe.

Polish your horn once in awhile.

You're not special just because you know what a picaresque novel is.

I am not a photo opportunity. I don't even like taking pictures with my family. My head always comes out too big.

New Headshots by David Muller

Fresh for 2012, here are two of the faces I now use to greet the world, thanks to the talented photographer David Muller.

Here Sign Up Inside

It's 2012!

There are great things I'm looking forward to this year, including a record-breaking pilot season ahead with over 200 already purchased to be made (I shudder to think of a recent year where there were only about 22 in which one could be cast), the results of the new headshots I had taken at the end of last month, and of course, whatever new seaweed-based snack Trader Joe's manages to invent.

My attitude for this year is indeed about putting your name on the dotted line within. In other words, enough with the second-guessing and the trying to be what you think they'll want, in all categories. Tune in to what you know as your truth. Out with old and in with the bold. Here, sign up inside!

Silent Parrot

Three days before my birthday, an anonymous package at my doorstep holds imported brown sugar cubes. In fact, the exact brown sugar cubes I love. From who, and with what meaning? I need a trick to get Polly to talk, or at least find the pirate she comes from. For now: sweet coffee.

Snoopyclaus

And the award for the only commercial aspect of Christmas I can tolerate goes to...Snoopyclaus.

Mah na ma na.

Even this bus stop bench can't fight the feeling! Would it be so wrong if I went to see "The Muppets" for the third time? (Am I a muppet or a (wo)man?)

More Hollywood Math

Actress A hired to double for the legs of actress B hired to enact the real-life story of actress C. Three women: and the fake doctor's office and gynecology stirrups that unite them all. Stranger than fiction, say the legs.

Talking Pony Does Not Talk on Pony

Facial Hair for Literacy

Behold, as the Silverlake branch of the Los Angeles library resorts to mustaches in order to increase engagement with reading material!

Slightly Imperfect

As of 9 AM on Monday, I wrapped on a short film called "Slightly Imperfect," in which I played a character described as a cross between a Riot Grrrl and Carl Sagan (by way of Pauley Perrette). The concept of "dream girl" does not usually conjure up a record store employee with astrophysicist-level smarts and dark fuschia streaks in her hair...but why not? Souvenirs from set: Halloween cat underpants, a set of spidery eyelashes, the knowledge that slightly imperfect scheduling--a nonstop night shoot--cannot take me down.

Wedge Bucket

A place for everything and everything in its place. Hence, on a Warner Brothers sound stage, this bucket for wooden wedges. The Burbank beaver community couldn't be happier; Los Angeles river be dammed! (Wocka, wocka.)

Adage of Cabbage

Looking like some Teenwolf heirloom variety, these brussel sprouts from Whole Foods begged to be taken home. Expressive, wild, surely with a kick to the palate: they lured me in with what appeared to be the Brassica family equivalent of my true desires. Enough with being put in a box, bound down in leafy regularity: attempts to fit in be damned! I yam what I yam, says Popeye, or in this case, Come sprout, come sprout, whatever you are!

Hollywood Parking Math

1 Master acting class + 1 plate of breakfast potatoes = 1 Hollywood tow experience = 1 taxi ride + 1 really good friend giving a lift + towing fee + parking ticket = $592.90. I hope that comes with a studio apartment.

The Meaning of 11/1/11

Ooh, it's so mysterious! Perhaps it means there are five fingers on the piano keys of time. Hopefully accompanied by a singer with perfect pitch.

My Seven Little Words

Dancing, rabbits, sailors, skies, fanciness? Wordsmithery aside, I call espionage on the company that made this game I downloaded. Or, at the end of the day, I point the finger both ways, sigh, and call one night at the Echoplex away from total hipsterdom. (And, thanks to the mention of goblets, the slightest hint of Renaissance Fair.)

Nut Milk Band

Amazon keeps plying me with this sunny image I keep confusing for a new band's album cover. Nut Milk Band! Give us a listen! Meanwhile, the nutmilk bag I purchased ages ago is still doing the work it was made to do. There's something to be said for golden oldies.

You Are Already Naked. There is No Reason Not To Follow Your Heart.

Finally, some street cred for calligraphy! Bless you, Steve Jobs.

Clown Ballet

Today, this funny lady took one of LA's newly forged ballet-meets-Pilates-yoga-and-weights classes. What's the difference between me and the disturbing clown sculpture protruding from that CVS pharmacy in Santa Monica? At least I was done working out at the end of an hour...and then got to take my white gloves and top hat off.

Books and Cookies

This Santa Monica storefront's name is quite a promise. In short, everything you could possibly want under one roof. Plus a plush speaking version of that pigeon you're not supposed to let drive the bus (I prefer to imagine his voice in my head).

A Lot of Lions

Actual Advertisement Used to Entice Theatergoers

All the world's a stage...or at least it is on this poster.

Love's Gas

Love's gas: not to be confused with hate's electricity, or indifference's two sticks rubbed together to make a fire when camping in the woods.

Waste Please

The garbage receptacles on the Disney lot impel passersby to use them for their trash, but the statement also could be read as a command to create more trash. As in, "Please, in our 1930s font, make haste to make waste!" Maybe to keep Mickey Mouse, in his guise as the sorcerer's apprentice, occupied. Cue broom.

Ocular Recognition vs. Linguistic Cue

Do I really have to count? Ugghh, math. One, two, ohhh...FIVE pens. Well, that saved me a load of trouble.

Still Life with Old Lady Items

Because that's how I roll.

Happy September 19th

With much love and joy: past, present, and future.

(Also, ideally a living room with a 1950s-style mural like this one. There's a Monday wish for you: "I want a lake!")

I Wish My Ferrets Were That Nice To Me

Yet another opportunity to enjoy mockumentary "April," this time through online film festival OneCloudFest.

Pleasant Relief

A recent excavation trip in a friend's family garage uncovered this vintage bottle of "Pleasant Relief," a medicine designed to casually lighten the internal mood with its fictional pinkhood and gracious font. Here's to the manufacturer composing a version for the twenty-first century, in which the malaise brought on by the altered tempo of lifestyle is easily washed away with one spoonful, or perhaps two. I call it "Lovely Reintegration," or "Enough with the Facebook."

Paid Kiss

Earlier this week I worked on location in a Hollywood hot spot. I spent the morning hanging around Eva Longoria's Beso, soaked with beer and liquor from every night it'd seen before, and full of flashy but mop-able surfaces. How else can you explain dark red snakeprint couch cushions, seemingly leather from far away but as safe from stains as a kindergartner's plastic seat? In the light of day the clear vat of vodka and pineapple, the splashes of light fixtures, the dark floors all seemed like a cheap setup for getting laid; more viable as a television set than a real-life activity: and there I was in the middle of it. Proving my point that in order to get me to go to a nightclub, you have to pay me.

Mermaid vs. Dog Voice

Tomorrow I will be in a production office performing all of the female dog voices in "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3" instead of auditioning to be a mermaid in an advertisement to sell pirate alcohol, because they need a stand-in for the dog voices and I am not a "professional mermaid" (actual quote from casting). Am I am a professional female dog? No, I am not a bitch, but I will stand in for several small furry ones tomorrow. That's just the life of an unprofessional mermaid.

Dirt Girls in a Grout...in Italian

The stateside wait for my Swiffer ad continues, but a friend unearthed this version currently playing in Italy. As my agent pointed out, one commenter wondered "Qual è il senso intrinseco di questo spot??" which translates roughly to wondering what the deeper meaning of it all is. I'm just guessing here, but: how awesome dirt-covered high heels are? How funny it is to personify dirt as a pack of girls-on-the-town? That you should clean stuff with a great product such as this one?