Mature Alternatives to Wearing a Self-Esteem T-Shirt

In the spirit of the Roaring 20s, step out in a hat worn at a rakish angle, paired with spats and a shiny cane.

Dress up as God’s creation, which you so ever much are, as demonstrated by wearing lilies of the valley pinned to every surface of your white pantsuit.

Have self-esteem.

Things I Have Imagined About My Friend Tim

That he will, along with our friend Hart, be one of my bridesmaids when I get married. Even if that means he wears his Teddy Ruxpin post-doctoral interviewing outfit.

That he will successfully mount the play he wrote involving a character named Audrey, based on me, based on my love of pink and a certain expletive, and that I will in fact have my Broadway debut as a version of myself, which is to say that casting will not prefer Alison Pill.

That he will 1) Purchase an ostrich egg at Whole Foods for $40; 2) Locate an ostrich; 3) Have the ostrich sit on, and then hatch, the egg; 4) Sew tweed suits for the two ostriches; 5) Dress the ostriches, then himself, and go out on the town as a trio of gentlemen.

Acquire a needlefelt brain.

Half-Birthday

Today is my half-birthday! Although it is very June gloomy outside, that cannot stop me from any of the possible half-birthday celebration techniques available. Keep this list handy for when yours rolls around:

* Purchase a half cake. Make sure it is awkwardly cut straight down the middle, and then insist that the bakery save the other half for when it is your real birthday.

* Take an inventory of the last six months of your life while wearing a tiara and a t-shirt that reads, ever so articulately, "ME."

* Take back the reign of Lewis Carroll's "unbirthday" concept by graffiti-ing ALICE HAD IT ALL WRONG on a wall somewhere. Get caught and resist arrest so you have a charming story about jail to tell on your actual birthday.

Photograph by Leslie Weinberg.

Highly Effective Uses for Today's Lunar Eclipse

Today there is a lunar eclipse along with the full moon in Sagittarius. What does one do with such a momentous event? Here are some productive ways to maximize the astrological current you're swimming in.

* Draw up a garbage bag and fill that Hefty with all the stuff you no longer want. Items could include unkind coworkers, outdated ideas of looking at yourself, and that old bartending kit that made one round of margaritas and then called it a day.

* Enact the cosmological event in order to feel more close to it. Dress up like a half-man, half-horse, and show off your rear until your Golden Retriever walks by. Act pleased when you notice the humans on Earth read the astrology advice columns and stopped doing unproductive things in response.

* Write the moon a heartfelt letter, explaining that you know it's still there.

Small Dog Presented as Large Dog

Mural glorifies, distorts an animal that could fit in a purse. I may have to sew a giant handbag around this Silverlake block just to regain perspective.

It's either that or fly myself out in a helicopter far enough away to rectify scale.

Recycling Bin Treasures: Botox And

At work I found this lavender slip of paper in the recycling bin, in all its reassuring tone of voice. What, I wonder, was the other product? Here are some possibilities:

A) Botox and a mirror with frown lines drawn in. Inject enough Botox until the frown lines disappear from both your face and the drawing of your face on the mirror.

B) Botox and a puppy. If you smile too much at the puppy, you might get your frown lines back. If you inject too much Botox, the puppy might not know you are smiling at him.

C) Botox and a rubber Gertrude Stein mask. Are you more yourself when you wear one or the other?

D) Botox and a syringe of maple syrup, which you can put in your coffee instead of sugar. Since when are they bottling maple syrup in syringes? Is it more helpful when removing the sap from the tree?

E) Botox and a baby bag filled with diapers, pacifiers, rattles, and a blankey. Figure out what to use to retain your youthfulness.

F) Botox and a book. Decide whether you want to think about your face, or think with what's inside your face.

Gas Matters

There is no clearer sign that our current social media platforms have hit rock bottom than that I got a request in the mail to "like" the company that supplies my apartment with gas. While I appreciate Sempra Energy, do I really want to be friends with them on Facebook? Or say that I "like" gas? This is the point in the intervention where all the businesses now crowding what was once a place to connect with your dormmates need to be sat down and ever so gently but firmly have the cursor pad taken away from them.

Equally Valid Optimism Via Fruit

Cherries notwithstanding, life is just a plate of grapeys!

Talk Isn't Cheap

These days, it's common to get away with substituting conversation with texting, which is another way of saying that full language can be swapped out for brief symbols. Why negotiate the complexity of human relationships when you can send a smoke signal instead? Forget spelling, respect, and talking out loud. LOL! LMAO! OMFG! Maybe "I'll talk to you" is the new "I love you." Or maybe instead of roping steer and gunning down the bad guys, alpha males can show their prowess through a face-to-face conversation. "What's on your mind?" the virile will say. "Let's talk about it." Girls and boys, take the dictionary off the shelf and use it.

No Nude Mimes

Imagine that you are a mime. You have just found a casting notice for a role you can do! Alas, if you are female and acting on camera, you must have to take off your underpants. What's this? A part that lets you tell a story without words or sound while keeping your black unitard on? Ladies of the panto, rejoice. This director must truly be a visionary, to imagine you pulling an invisible rope and dressed at exactly the same time.

"April" Abroad

"April", that winsome mockumentary that I am so happy to be a part of, is now showing online with the UK-based Itzon.TV Film Festival. It's free to watch, and offers a full screen, high definition viewing experience. The finalists in the festival are decided by audience votes. Please create a free profile, watch the film, and vote for us! You can watch at the following scheduled times (Wednesday 5/18/11: 5:28PM, Thursday 5/19/11: 7:41PM, Friday 5/20/11: 6:31AM, Saturday 5/21/11: 12:45PM, Sunday 5/22/11: 4:29AM, Monday 5/23/11: 9:56AM, Tuesday 5/24/11: 7:18AM) or use their on-demand function. Times are either adjusted for various zones as indicated, or someone's a jokester over at Itzon. Check it out!

Phrase of Our Lives

"No way!" I thought in response to Amazon's downstream suggestion. Purchase my books (and favorite French anise-flavored candy) and allow access to my credit card information through the phrase "Audrey's Undisturbed Tensions"? Hopefully between the quality literature and the sweets my tensions would be entirely disturbed; rendered impotent and vanquished entirely. Too astute for its own good, Amazon's rejoinder was the suggestion of another phrase: how about "Audrey's Unbroken Candor"? Yes, Amazon, let's keep it real.

Snack Glove

If you are a doctor who might get hungry later, feel free to make a snack glove. Nothing for you but the most hygienic to finger those pecan bars.

Man Fall In Love

Some women keep reading material such as How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You ironically, like how they don't actually make waffles with their iron; but such books are funnier and do not require maple syrup, even hypothetically.

If you are enamored of someone who looks like a relative of Pac-man, this tome is for you! Perhaps, according to the author, your boyfriend is always listening, which he does by rotating his eyes back and forth:


In that case, perhaps you do not know if he is in love. Because this is what he looks like if he is:


You'll know a man loves you when he wears the pancakes you made on his eyes. That would be a good time to sketch him and turn those drawings into a video game. But hopefully with more smiling.

Toothy Grin

We all accept that dentists have the prerogative to advertise their services through use of a tooth logo. We acknowledge that in order to appear friendly and not too Little Shop of Horrors-y, they may choose to give that tooth a smile, thus rendering it less a glyph and more of a mascot.But what happens when that smile is so full, so radiant, as to reveal teeth? Where does something that started out as a welcoming gesture turn into a carnivalesque need for orthodonture? "Don't worry," says the winsome call of such a molar, "I can handle any meal all on my own."

Bake It Frost It Picture Take It

"Say cupcakes!" my lovely and talented photographer Erin Gibson urged, as we worked the big cartoon eyes and wavy (read: comedy) hair. Sitting in a West Hollywood garage in a tank top, you think to yourself, This is February, and maybe these photographs will launch my career, but right now—"CUPCAKES!"

Sleepless in Silverlake

It's been a good long while since I went nearly sleepless, but last night there was no rest for the wounded. In dreams we get some murky license for whimsy and experimentation, but in waking life it's all reality, reality, reality. Without the respite of my Zzzzs, I had to rely entirely on what was visible to my eyes but nonetheless seemed like apparitions:

*My cell phone displaying a photograph from the first of the year. In it, I simultaneously look deeply unglamorous and incredibly happy, proving there is an inverse relationship between makeup and joy.

*An episode of "Weeds" playing on my laptop, in which I ride a bicycle and the pink blotch of t-shirt with me in it keeps wending its way through various scenes. No one would know it's me; I am secretly haunting another narrative world.

*Vegan mochi ball ice cream. All those years of wishing they would make a non-dairy alternative produced the desired outcome, there in my hand. Don't pinch or dream me, I'm awake.

Infant Formula

What better vending machine to have in the lobby of a casting center that includes a modeling agency than one with a baby wearing lipstick and drinking its body weight in Coke?

An Illicit Word from Noodles

In my spam folder: an email from Official Pasta Boat, regarding TV Pasta Boat. I'm unfamiliar with TV Pasta Boat; is it related to Major Theatrical Release Pasta Boat? What about Unofficial Pasta Boat: when I get mail from that guy, can I take him seriously? "Make dinner fast, quick, and easy"...Pasta Boat, do you have somewhere else to go? I thought we'd spend some quality time together. After all, I'm guessing you are an entire boat full of pasta, and are here because I am hungry. Wait, spam folder...it's time to come clean about what's in your sauce.

Agency My Agency

Here in Hollywood, when we say "signed across the board," we're not referring to an autograph on a Monopoly set, but rather an agency representing an actor both theatrically (film and television) and commercially. I scribbled on one such plank, so to speak, today.

I'm thrilled to be working with RPM Talent Agency, which has recently merged with The Agency, which has recently merged with my resume, which has recently passed "Go" and collected $200*, 10% of which will go to what I can only hope will be called Agency The Agency, so that the next phase of my career is lead by a glorious typo wrapped in an enigma and coated with a delicious chocolately network contract.

We're on the move...

*Monopoly joke, for those foreign children who were busy in the outside-world, rather than chewing on the machinations of tiny plastic dogs and hats.

Socks At Last

Quiet love stories have clout, too. As I moved my delicates into my new chest of drawers, not one but two pairs of socks were reunited with their mates. Really, these socks were left for dead. "The laundromat clearly ate them," the legend went. But they held out, and timing took the reigns. Cozied up together again, dreaming of hikes and jogs, they're right where they're meant to be.

Google Maps Understands

In the realm of Los Angeles, for the journey from Los Feliz to Venice, you'll need a passport and a great book-on-tape. Google Maps, in an emotional state tonight, demonstrated that it fully understands. Canada to somewhere in the Pacific? That looks about right.

Dog Cookieface

"I'll take the shepherd," I said to the barista. The dalmatian, daschund, and terrier simply wouldn't do. Later, I took the dog for a walk; albeit digesting inside of me.

Epiphany, or Twelfth Night

According to my fabulous 2011 Slingshot organizer, complete with key dates regarding activists, anarchists, worker's rights, and revolutions, today is Epiphany. Ring them bells, Baez! Time to take your Christmas tree down and eat all your collected fruits and nuts. Carnival season begins as you load up like a zealous squirrel, what with your freshly-baked cake containing one bean and one pea. Who will be crowned King and Queen tonight? Only the legumes can say.

Romance of the Postal Service

Forget the instant data delivery to your handset of the 21st century; how about stores? Talk about instant gratification! There's something to be said for having to wait a little for what you want. I'm for the days of ordering from the dusty brown-paged tome at the town goods outpost. Three months to get that calico and twine in? Fine; save up for some lumps of sugar and a packet of novelty buttons. Watch at the front porch until that postal worker on his horse arrives just past winter. And then, with great aplomb, friend: unwrap.

This, the New Year of 2011, We Acknowledge

Something happened that caused it to be three days into the new year. I am not yet sure what this new year is made of. Are our hands sticky? It might be paper mache. Does it bake well and go nicely with jams? Perhaps the time-space continuum is really bread. Maybe if we look at what good it's brought so far, as well as what challenges we might anticipate, we can give it a good bath as if to say, You're perfect, and clean to boot.

The World Is Bound By Secret Knots

You want Mexican? Hey, me too!

M-I-S-S Rescue

Missouri State Highway Patrol: when you're in trouble, we send two black bears to help you. Do not fear their large galoshes, or their tender embrace.

Gratitude, or Like Stuff Say Thank You

Oh, sun conjunct sun, otherwise known in layman's terms as birthday, you did not let me down. Grazie, danke, merci, and suchforth. A-lady!

And the Award for the Best Pickup Line of 2010 Goes To...

Earlier this year I ran a poll on the right-hand sidebar for the best pickup line I was plied with in 2010. As we near the end of December and I have collected a few more contenders, I give you this more comprehensive list from which to choose:

* I'd drive 1100 miles to see you do stand-up.

* Are you old enough to have been on the original "90210"?

* You've got the best towel in the room.

* I guess I'd give you a 9 out of 10.

* I stole your number from work because I'm creepy and you're a cool lady.

and

* If I flew us in my private jet to get stranded on a desert island, I'd definitely barbecue and eat you. But I can't date you because you're a vegan. Even though you're hot.

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving...or "Turkey Day," as it is often called. Calling a day where people slaughter and eat turkeys en masse "Turkey Day" is kind of like calling any occasion of genocide "Human Day." Happy Human Day! Off with their heads! I'm looking forward to the seitan and gravy, green beans, and yams of the all-vegan Madeleine Bistro. Live turkeys will be in attendance, as will my clear conscience. Sorry, brussel sprouts...you're going down.

Reel-y? Really.

My new theatrical reel is up on audreydundeehannah.com, thanks to the swift and intelligent work of Robert Campbell, editor extraordinaire, and Josh Reisner, genius webmaster. Thanks guys! You're the best.

Great Gatsby: 5 for 5

What with the casting news surrounding the movie version of F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic, The Great Gatsby, I started mentioning it in casual conversation. My hope was to have some lively banter about the novel, but instead was met every time with a blank stare. That's right, folks, I'm five for five. That's 100% of my pollers who have not read the book. What do high schools teach now? Did it just not get covered? "I don't know," everyone says, "I was busy being bad back then."

Drunk and carried away: 1, Nick Carraway: 0.

"April" Wins at Mockfest and Shockfest!

And grunts happily home to chew on a greening finger.
Congrats, Spooky!

Ask for Math

Last night at Shockfest Film Festival a pack of would-be Miss Shockfests lined up, all gussied in gear befitting a dominatrix who enjoys Barbie hair. "Do you like it R-rated?" the emcee asked the crowd. "How about single X? How about triple X?" He then told us to get set because they'd do anything we asked for. My friend Tim nudged me. "Math," he said. "Ask for math."

A Younger, Prettier

Tonight in class the casting director proclaimed, "Oh, I know who you remind me of! A younger, prettier Drew Barrymore!" Which reminded me of another casting director who thinks of me as a younger, prettier Hilary Swank. Which is not to be confused with a co-worker who regards me as a younger, prettier Kristin Davis. Then there's most people, who think of me as a younger, prettier my mom. Maybe the person I most resemble after all is the one whose womb I came out of. But only maybe. It has yet to be confirmed or denied whether Fozzie Bear has ovaries. And believe me, in a lineup with him I look waaay younger.

Mary, Mock-and-Shockfest

"April" screens at Shockfest Film Festival in Hollywood this Friday night! Here's an interview at AOF Film Festival in Pasadena earlier this year with director/writer/producer Mike Piccirillo that includes a clip of everyone's favorite government-appointed social worker, Mary Lennox.

Cottonpuff Worm Visits a Medspa

My eyelids are drooping. Do you do Thermage? Check out those elevens. How about Botox? I may be hyperpigmenting due to sun damage. What can you offer me on Fraxel? And do you see that wrinkle by my nasolabial fold? Do you? It's terrifying, don't you think? Well, don't you?

Part of Fascination

Ancient astrology includes calculations referred to now as "Arabic Parts," not because they are all Arabic in origin but because that's the part of the world that ended up collecting them for posterity. The Part of Karma, the Part of Marriage, the Part of Fortune; and my favorite, the Part of Fascination. Take the ascendant, add Venus, and subtract Uranus. Because there's nothing fascinating about Uranus. (Bah-dum-bum. I'll be here all night, folks...)

Beard the Lion In His Own Den

When you confront the opposition on their turf, you're bearding the lion in his own den. Or in my case today, taking on the part of me that wants to hang onto my old clutter. Boxes of the stuff!

I have a new workplace friend who's adept at waxing, and like her I imagine taking big blue sticks and ripping away whatever mustache or soul patch was on the face of the me keeping too many papers.

And if I have to give my messy persona a Brazilian, I will give my messy persona a Brazilian.

London Calling

Today I traveled through Heathrow airport.

Okay, so it was a college in Santa Clarita turned into the international hub for a popular ABC Family show. But as I emerged down a long staircase into the bustling crowd, flight info tickers turning, it felt real, like a premonition. Like my neighbor's freshly strung Christmas tree when it's barely Halloween; an early entrance, but with each passing day, more and more relevant.

With All the Things You Can Eat

Congratulations! my recent allergy test results seemed to say. Look at all the things you can eat! But then I saw that nestled between scans for milk, gluten, and soy allergies was an unexpected word: COCKROACH. You know, I wasn't really all that concerned as to whether I had clearance to consume vermin, but apparently my system is at the ready if I so choose. Thanks, Quest Diagnostics, for keeping my options open.

Shoe, Pet, or Food?

Maybe it goes with jeans.

Maybe it's a baby lamb.

Or perhaps it's by your side, waiting for a walk and a biscuit.

Calling All Talented Actors Without Discerning Taste

The above is a small segment of an email I received this week regarding a workshop to meet a manager. I don't know about you, other able actors, but I am not looking to be a part of a barnyard. At least not professionally.

"April" in Mockfest and Shockfest!

According to director Mike Piccirillo, "April" is the first film in the history of Mockfest and Shockfest to be chosen for both! That's what happens when you've got a ghouly-themed mockumentary that's awesome. The related festivals run November 12-14th, with "April" kicking off Shockfest on the Friday and wowing the pants off of Mockfest later that weekend. If festivals even wear pants. I hope this festival doesn't go commando, because that would be really awkward.

Yes to This, That, and the Other

Archie Grand is on to something...don't fill your journal with soppy missives about almosts, catalogue what works. This is for me! That is what I'm after! Forget about the other! Our possessions, if weeded properly, do that job wordlessly every day. They are not who we are, but they remind us; a multi-surfaced mirror. Striped t-shirts, novelty ice cube tray collection? Here's looking at me, kid.

GOOD NEWS YOU HAVE WON!!!!

Spam? Are you kidding? I am thrilled to have won the Irish lottery!! I hope it comes with a pot of gold, a rainbow, a leprechaun, and an actual-sized man.