With All the Things You Can Eat

Congratulations! my recent allergy test results seemed to say. Look at all the things you can eat! But then I saw that nestled between scans for milk, gluten, and soy allergies was an unexpected word: COCKROACH. You know, I wasn't really all that concerned as to whether I had clearance to consume vermin, but apparently my system is at the ready if I so choose. Thanks, Quest Diagnostics, for keeping my options open.

Shoe, Pet, or Food?

Maybe it goes with jeans.

Maybe it's a baby lamb.

Or perhaps it's by your side, waiting for a walk and a biscuit.

Calling All Talented Actors Without Discerning Taste

The above is a small segment of an email I received this week regarding a workshop to meet a manager. I don't know about you, other able actors, but I am not looking to be a part of a barnyard. At least not professionally.

"April" in Mockfest and Shockfest!

According to director Mike Piccirillo, "April" is the first film in the history of Mockfest and Shockfest to be chosen for both! That's what happens when you've got a ghouly-themed mockumentary that's awesome. The related festivals run November 12-14th, with "April" kicking off Shockfest on the Friday and wowing the pants off of Mockfest later that weekend. If festivals even wear pants. I hope this festival doesn't go commando, because that would be really awkward.

Yes to This, That, and the Other

Archie Grand is on to something...don't fill your journal with soppy missives about almosts, catalogue what works. This is for me! That is what I'm after! Forget about the other! Our possessions, if weeded properly, do that job wordlessly every day. They are not who we are, but they remind us; a multi-surfaced mirror. Striped t-shirts, novelty ice cube tray collection? Here's looking at me, kid.

GOOD NEWS YOU HAVE WON!!!!

Spam? Are you kidding? I am thrilled to have won the Irish lottery!! I hope it comes with a pot of gold, a rainbow, a leprechaun, and an actual-sized man.

I Went to Stanford

Today I submitted myself for two acting roles:

1) A woman who is type A and terrified of farting, and then finally does;

2) A bride.

Thank you, Hollywood, for your limitless opportunities.

Looking Moneyed: Balls

Giant wooden balls: a necessity for every classy home. Why buy just one when you can fill a living room table with them? Show your guests how big your balls can be.

Hey Mister, Spare a Dime?

Payphones: they still exist. In case you hadn't seen one in awhile, here's two. So much for worrying about having five bars...

In Memoriam of Jason Oliver

Today was Jason's memorial gathering in the Bay Area, and while I wasn't there in the flesh, I thought of my dear friend and gazed at the single orchid petal mysteriously placed on the dash of my car. Jason, how could you have left us so suddenly and unexpectedly? Today we celebrate you.

I was going to write Jason a testimonial for his website, but I kept getting hung up on waiting for more results. I knew the work I was doing with him was hugely impactful and that I'd eventually have even more to show for it than the fact that I held my head higher walking through the world; knew myself better. I wanted to have trophies to bring back for him; to hold up tangible proof in honor of my great teacher that by giving so much and asking so little in return from me that he had accomplished everything, even that which seemed impossible. The irony being, of course, that he wouldn't have seen it as his work, but mine. Yet I could never have not seen it as ours.

In the year that I knew Jason, I went from an actress striving just to get in the door to getting called back to audition for Hollywood casting directors and producers for leads in two comedy pilots and a feature film, along with winning a key role in an award-winning short. I began to change how I approached and saw relationships; valuing myself much higher than I had. I finally had a way to get out of any negative sinkhole I sunk into. I can still hear Jason's voice talking back to me when I start to dive under, and it's clear that he will always be with me.

I am so grateful for the time that I had with such a brilliant, wise, caring spiritual leader, who gave because he loved giving, and who loved me to my surprise even though he saw all my difficult sides. He never stopped seeing my name in lights, and now wherever I see light, I see his name.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Jason. I love you.

Audrey

Poster Sets It Straight

Death, marriage, shopping: and a whole lot of driving down the freeway. That's my week in review. Thank you, local poster, for the reminder You Have Everything You Need. Even as the world turns, we're eternally internally equipped.

Facebook, As Demonstrated By An Only Child

At least the lines of communication are open.

How Many Llamas?

This spring I participated in a filmed showcase, and it's finally online to view! Rather than hold industry folk hostage in a dusty, hot theater at any given 8 PM, the online version offers a chance to see us all work with the upgrade of seeing us on camera. You can view the showcase scene here.

You May Know Me By My Netflix Queue

And I wouldn't want my pants any other way.

Candy Orders Action

Taking self-promotion to whole new heights, this wrapper says what's what. Chocolate bar, you've really outdone yourself.

Bank Uses Communication Strategy

Hello to you too, Bank. Now what? If you'll excuse me, Coffee Shop has a better pickup line.

BEST SPOOF! "April" Takes the Cake

As announced at last night's awards dinner for AOF Film Festival 2010, "April" won for Best Spoof! First-time director/writer not only makes a great film but nails a genre? Pretty awesome.

You Are the Right Person This is the Right Time

Induced-by-twelve-hours-of-sleep Jennifer Aniston fluffed up my hair while guest-teaching the acting class; turned to just me and said, "We should go get some sorbet sometime." And that, my friends, is breaking into the slumberland big time.

Mango? Rasperry? Coconut?

"April" on the Red Carpet

Our screening at AOF this weekend was a smash hit! Jury's still out on our award nominations, but hearing the movie theater full of laughter is what counts. I'm so lucky to be a part of this fabulous cast and crew.

King of the Motorchair

Because nothing says "Buy this electric wheelchair" like having a stuffed lion demonstrate its prowess. Only $595!

Stolen Car

Ever dream you've had your car stolen? Head out after a trip to the grocery store, or a day at a new job, and those nocturnal bad guys have walked off with your ride? I've tripped this neural pathway a few too many times in recent memory, and finally consulted with that bastion of sound testimony, the internet.

According to the internet I feel I have been stripped of my identity; perhaps due to a change in jobs, relationships, or a situation that once played a key role in my identity as a person. According to the internet I perhaps have lost my drive and ability to move forward. Or that my physical body has been hijacked. That someone is trying to take advantage of me.

I left work tonight close to 1 AM, slightly worried these nightmares would come true and my chariot wouldn't be holding court in the parking lot. But see, I left work, where I reveled in wonderful new employment, interpersonal connections, and unusable old skins falling away. Ha, dreams! No wonder you ended in an assignment at Disney.

Who Needs Vampires When You've Got "April"?

Go Team "April"! Our movie is not only screening opening night at AOF International Film Festival, but it's also up for two awards. Will we take home the titles of Best Spoof and Best Makeup? Stay tuned.

Pick Me Up, Love, E ery Ay!

Vortex of 2005

People from early 2005 are coming back to me: theory or metaphysical truth? I considered this when one of my most wonderful friends who I hadn't seen since then came to visit in June. Forget about '05: I then toyed with the idea of April 2010's boomerang effect. That month's emails finally got returned, meetings got set, mentions turned into events and the film with such a name started its circuit in the world.

But what about today's pair of reunitings from that turning-point year: someone I shared a stage with briefly but significantly, and another with whom I worked side by side? Lest I spend too long wishing I'd never left New York five years ago, or fret over a little delay from the spring, it all knows where I live, apparently.

Every key player is coming my way.

"April" Gets a Trailer

Watch the teaser here.

Grandmationary: Rubber Sock

Definition: A timid, delicate, or cowardly person. But that is just the hobo use. If you were in WWII, then you're talking about a new Navy recruit.

If you are a hobo-turned-government-sailor, well then! I'm sure there are plenty of dandy muffins ready to shake a rug with you, you ole rubber sock!

"April" at AOF Film Festival 2010

It's official! "April" has been chosen to screen at AOF International Film Festival on opening night of the festival. July 23rd, 8 PM, Regency Academy Theater in Pasadena. Be there!

"April" Gets a Poster

Check out the Rorschach blots masquerading as a standard composition notebook...and that dripping green titling!

On This, The Fourth of July

May this sun, accessorized, bring you and the US of A much joy on this, the day people make a lot of eating watermelon. (Having gotten all of my holiday celebration out of the way last night, I am free to wander my neighborhood listening to screenwriting podcasts and contemplating a life lived overseas.)

Inscrutable Boyfriend

How this email from an online dating company didn't end up in my spam folder, I don't know, but the reward it bestowed was in the form of a highly enigmatic advertisement. "You should date this guy!" it said, "We won't supply you with a photo, age, or location, but you sure haven't met him yet!"

On second glance, it occurred to me that he may be the tiny four-pixel blue square low in the frame. I think I'll pass.

Dog Boyfriend

Dogs in glasses: are they more come hither than better sighted dogs? Well, yes, according to my dream the night before last. Because they wait until you're done sleeping 57 days straight and the moon hangs like a carefully etched vintage elephant in the sky and greet you at your bedside. You think, If only you were a real man! You consider settling, since at least the sheepdog talks. Brain-who-cloaks-the-truth-in-many-guises, you've really outdone yourself this time.

The Public Library Goes Informal

Hiny Hiders? But I'm a lady! (Cue "Little Britain" actors.)

Getting a Rebate on 2006

You can still get 3.75% of the value left from four years ago, electronically speaking. Can we receive higher returns from parsing what happened in our personal lives back then? Depends: did you keep that now-retro power cord?

Josh's Corner

In: Toulouse.
Out: My last sheep girlfriend.

In: Going natural.
Out: Too much product in the wool.

In: Summer squash.
Out: Pineapple. Do I look like I come from the tropics?!?

In: Kicking it near the pigs.
Out: Getting spit at by the llamas.

In: Living at The Gentle Barn.
Out: Living at an abusive petting zoo.

In: When I feel like it.
Out: side, mostly!

Post Impressions of Toulouse

Yesterday at The Gentle Barn, I made friends with Toulouse, a girl sheep who once spent her days on a family couch watching TV and now hangs out on the farm with her boyfriend Josh (who currently looks like he's wearing twelve sweaters). This tender creature is mellow, great with kids, and has extensive opinions on the premium cable shows of the early oughts. I ran my screenplay ideas by her, but she's never been one for theatrical release; I took it that "baaa" was a "no."

Sunday I'll Hug a Cow

Buttercup was thankfully rescued from her abusers and brought to The Gentle Barn, where cow-huggers like me get to come make friends for a small donation on Sundays. Note in the above photograph how she tolerates me plastering myself to her lovely backside. That is the power of the gift of raw carrots.

A Gentle Reminder from Target

Thank you, wise bathroom stall.

Animal News Report Courtesy of an 8-Year-Old

Did you know that squirrels are just like my mom?? We were eating lunch at school and then a big mommy with two little babies came out of a hole in the wall. One of the babies ran off, and the mommy tried to catch him, but finally gave up because he was being THAT BAD! (He came back later and everyone ate nuts.)

Did you know that fish are monogamous? That means they pick a girl fish and like them forever. Also, fish can tell who's who and if you were to ask a fish which guy can't be trusted, they know. Fish use tools just like us!

Did you know that bulls are color blind? You wave a red flag at them in your shiny pants and they don't get it. They get mad anyway.

Pets in Glasses Sell Passes on Busses

Trapped en route to UCLA, I pondered this ad. Marmaduke: nostrils of fire. Owen Wilson as Marmaduke. George Lopez, unidentified as the cat.

"April" on IMDb

It's official: the film about the girl who just can't seem to fit in (place tongue in cheek) is hitting the festival circuit and is now up on IMDb. Stay tuned for festival names and dates for screenings!

A Moment of Silence For the Season Finale of "Glee"

Not to mention half a box of tissues. That show melts my heart! Time to get rehydrated.

I Get To Keep My Firstborn

Tortoise vs. hare, student vs. master, present vs. past. Is it surprising who excels? Just when you least expect it, we're spinning hay into gold. (And not just because we're trapped in a basement by a malevolent baron; geez!)

Fun with Plagiarism

It has recently come to my attention that a former colleague has not only stolen and filmed a comedy short for a webseries that I wrote, but has also plagiarized a version of a personal bio I wrote for my website. While unfortunate that this individual has chosen to join the ranks of intellectual property thieves, I firmly believe that one's true voice will always be perceptible to anyone paying even an ounce of attention. I submit below the bio as written and mailed to several witnesses back in December, rendering it fully copyrighted material under the law.

Dear Reader,

As you will see from the photographs above, Audrey Dundee Hannah is neither a jaunty turn-of-the-century newspaper boy nor a bundle of twigs. She is a real-life actress, with human feelings. In addition, Audrey has done some things, including badly canoeing across small lakes and befriending woodland creatures. Also: acting. A member of the Screen Actors Guild, Audrey’s recent credits include webisodes for FOX and Verizon, an sketch comedy TV pilot, various independent films, and an MTV Movie Awards commercial which aired in theaters nationwide. She honed her on-camera skills at Actor’s Certified Training in North Hollywood; studied and performed comedy improvisation at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and Second City offshoot Off Off Campus at the University of Chicago; and workshopped her one-woman show at the Marsh in San Francisco. Audrey holds a B.A. in Drama from Stanford University, where she won the prestigious Eleanor Prosser prize, awarded for excellence in scholarship and performance. She also knows how to sew a nice red cape, which can be worn with mouse ears and is best seen in person.

See that cape in person, dear Reader.

We're Keeping an Eye on You, Actor

The city of Los Angeles insists all businesses are licensed: a fact pretty much all actors moving to the area would know nothing of. A license? To make maybe $2K a year, if that, when you're starting out?

Good news is they're willing to rescind their steep charges upon finding out what's really on your Schedule C. My please-pay-this-thank-you-ma'am totaled over $30,000...hilarious. Months later the nonsense got sorted out, and today I received my official document, to be hung in the place of my business. I quote: "Status: Active. Description: Professions/Occupations."

Los Angeles has officially allowed me to have a profession/occupation. Well, okay!

Very Tender

While plotting out a screenplay, I remembered this piece I loved by artist Jenny Holzer that includes the phrase "It is in your self-interest to find a way to be very tender." Gen X, Gen Y, the Millenials, the technological revolution, the credit crash, the down economy, and all the aftermath of the Bush era vs. opening your heart. Insert joke here, but this truth stands without irony.

Keep On Keeping On

My favorite yoga teacher told us a story this week about a client he teaches one-on-one who had lung cancer and had to have one lung removed. She gets around with a breathing tube all the time: except for when she's doing Bikram. And through the yoga alone, her one remaining lung has grown large enough to take over the space where the missing one used to be, filling her with oxygen.

Email from a friend: a dog born with only its two hind legs. Sentenced to death, then rescued by a woman who saw the sweetness in the creature. The dog now walks around like a biped, making friends everywhere he goes. His name is Faith.

Just sobbed my way through all two hours of "The Blind Side." We never know when we're going to get rescued, or get the honor of coming through for someone. It happens suddenly; a beautiful collision. Even if you think you couldn't, or wouldn't, or can't, you can.

Is This Ad Relevant to You?

Yes, I do have a uterus.

No, I do not relate to pink daisies and hearts used to sell me lady products.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to watching "Man Caves" on Hulu.

Some Things Never Change

Even if they take a long time to land.

(*With regards to the latest cinematic installment: who can argue against Liza, swans, and hummus, I retort?)

Nobody Reads in L.A.

Story by Robert McKee--that seminal text on mastering the screenplay--is readily available at the Los Angeles Public Library. The audiobook version, however, you have to wait for--the current queue suggests at least a three-month delay. Los Angeles: where one chooses to sit down to write a screenplay, but can't be bothered to read a book.

Snack vs. Romance

So which is it going to be? (Cast your vote on the right.)