How Many Llamas?

This spring I participated in a filmed showcase, and it's finally online to view! Rather than hold industry folk hostage in a dusty, hot theater at any given 8 PM, the online version offers a chance to see us all work with the upgrade of seeing us on camera. You can view the showcase scene here.

You May Know Me By My Netflix Queue

And I wouldn't want my pants any other way.

Candy Orders Action

Taking self-promotion to whole new heights, this wrapper says what's what. Chocolate bar, you've really outdone yourself.

Bank Uses Communication Strategy

Hello to you too, Bank. Now what? If you'll excuse me, Coffee Shop has a better pickup line.

BEST SPOOF! "April" Takes the Cake

As announced at last night's awards dinner for AOF Film Festival 2010, "April" won for Best Spoof! First-time director/writer not only makes a great film but nails a genre? Pretty awesome.

You Are the Right Person This is the Right Time

Induced-by-twelve-hours-of-sleep Jennifer Aniston fluffed up my hair while guest-teaching the acting class; turned to just me and said, "We should go get some sorbet sometime." And that, my friends, is breaking into the slumberland big time.

Mango? Rasperry? Coconut?

"April" on the Red Carpet

Our screening at AOF this weekend was a smash hit! Jury's still out on our award nominations, but hearing the movie theater full of laughter is what counts. I'm so lucky to be a part of this fabulous cast and crew.

King of the Motorchair

Because nothing says "Buy this electric wheelchair" like having a stuffed lion demonstrate its prowess. Only $595!

Stolen Car

Ever dream you've had your car stolen? Head out after a trip to the grocery store, or a day at a new job, and those nocturnal bad guys have walked off with your ride? I've tripped this neural pathway a few too many times in recent memory, and finally consulted with that bastion of sound testimony, the internet.

According to the internet I feel I have been stripped of my identity; perhaps due to a change in jobs, relationships, or a situation that once played a key role in my identity as a person. According to the internet I perhaps have lost my drive and ability to move forward. Or that my physical body has been hijacked. That someone is trying to take advantage of me.

I left work tonight close to 1 AM, slightly worried these nightmares would come true and my chariot wouldn't be holding court in the parking lot. But see, I left work, where I reveled in wonderful new employment, interpersonal connections, and unusable old skins falling away. Ha, dreams! No wonder you ended in an assignment at Disney.

Who Needs Vampires When You've Got "April"?

Go Team "April"! Our movie is not only screening opening night at AOF International Film Festival, but it's also up for two awards. Will we take home the titles of Best Spoof and Best Makeup? Stay tuned.

Pick Me Up, Love, E ery Ay!

Vortex of 2005

People from early 2005 are coming back to me: theory or metaphysical truth? I considered this when one of my most wonderful friends who I hadn't seen since then came to visit in June. Forget about '05: I then toyed with the idea of April 2010's boomerang effect. That month's emails finally got returned, meetings got set, mentions turned into events and the film with such a name started its circuit in the world.

But what about today's pair of reunitings from that turning-point year: someone I shared a stage with briefly but significantly, and another with whom I worked side by side? Lest I spend too long wishing I'd never left New York five years ago, or fret over a little delay from the spring, it all knows where I live, apparently.

Every key player is coming my way.

"April" Gets a Trailer

Watch the teaser here.

Grandmationary: Rubber Sock

Definition: A timid, delicate, or cowardly person. But that is just the hobo use. If you were in WWII, then you're talking about a new Navy recruit.

If you are a hobo-turned-government-sailor, well then! I'm sure there are plenty of dandy muffins ready to shake a rug with you, you ole rubber sock!

"April" at AOF Film Festival 2010

It's official! "April" has been chosen to screen at AOF International Film Festival on opening night of the festival. July 23rd, 8 PM, Regency Academy Theater in Pasadena. Be there!

"April" Gets a Poster

Check out the Rorschach blots masquerading as a standard composition notebook...and that dripping green titling!

On This, The Fourth of July

May this sun, accessorized, bring you and the US of A much joy on this, the day people make a lot of eating watermelon. (Having gotten all of my holiday celebration out of the way last night, I am free to wander my neighborhood listening to screenwriting podcasts and contemplating a life lived overseas.)

Inscrutable Boyfriend

How this email from an online dating company didn't end up in my spam folder, I don't know, but the reward it bestowed was in the form of a highly enigmatic advertisement. "You should date this guy!" it said, "We won't supply you with a photo, age, or location, but you sure haven't met him yet!"

On second glance, it occurred to me that he may be the tiny four-pixel blue square low in the frame. I think I'll pass.

Dog Boyfriend

Dogs in glasses: are they more come hither than better sighted dogs? Well, yes, according to my dream the night before last. Because they wait until you're done sleeping 57 days straight and the moon hangs like a carefully etched vintage elephant in the sky and greet you at your bedside. You think, If only you were a real man! You consider settling, since at least the sheepdog talks. Brain-who-cloaks-the-truth-in-many-guises, you've really outdone yourself this time.

The Public Library Goes Informal

Hiny Hiders? But I'm a lady! (Cue "Little Britain" actors.)

Getting a Rebate on 2006

You can still get 3.75% of the value left from four years ago, electronically speaking. Can we receive higher returns from parsing what happened in our personal lives back then? Depends: did you keep that now-retro power cord?

Josh's Corner

In: Toulouse.
Out: My last sheep girlfriend.

In: Going natural.
Out: Too much product in the wool.

In: Summer squash.
Out: Pineapple. Do I look like I come from the tropics?!?

In: Kicking it near the pigs.
Out: Getting spit at by the llamas.

In: Living at The Gentle Barn.
Out: Living at an abusive petting zoo.

In: When I feel like it.
Out: side, mostly!

Post Impressions of Toulouse

Yesterday at The Gentle Barn, I made friends with Toulouse, a girl sheep who once spent her days on a family couch watching TV and now hangs out on the farm with her boyfriend Josh (who currently looks like he's wearing twelve sweaters). This tender creature is mellow, great with kids, and has extensive opinions on the premium cable shows of the early oughts. I ran my screenplay ideas by her, but she's never been one for theatrical release; I took it that "baaa" was a "no."

Sunday I'll Hug a Cow

Buttercup was thankfully rescued from her abusers and brought to The Gentle Barn, where cow-huggers like me get to come make friends for a small donation on Sundays. Note in the above photograph how she tolerates me plastering myself to her lovely backside. That is the power of the gift of raw carrots.

A Gentle Reminder from Target

Thank you, wise bathroom stall.

Animal News Report Courtesy of an 8-Year-Old

Did you know that squirrels are just like my mom?? We were eating lunch at school and then a big mommy with two little babies came out of a hole in the wall. One of the babies ran off, and the mommy tried to catch him, but finally gave up because he was being THAT BAD! (He came back later and everyone ate nuts.)

Did you know that fish are monogamous? That means they pick a girl fish and like them forever. Also, fish can tell who's who and if you were to ask a fish which guy can't be trusted, they know. Fish use tools just like us!

Did you know that bulls are color blind? You wave a red flag at them in your shiny pants and they don't get it. They get mad anyway.

Pets in Glasses Sell Passes on Busses

Trapped en route to UCLA, I pondered this ad. Marmaduke: nostrils of fire. Owen Wilson as Marmaduke. George Lopez, unidentified as the cat.

"April" on IMDb

It's official: the film about the girl who just can't seem to fit in (place tongue in cheek) is hitting the festival circuit and is now up on IMDb. Stay tuned for festival names and dates for screenings!

A Moment of Silence For the Season Finale of "Glee"

Not to mention half a box of tissues. That show melts my heart! Time to get rehydrated.

I Get To Keep My Firstborn

Tortoise vs. hare, student vs. master, present vs. past. Is it surprising who excels? Just when you least expect it, we're spinning hay into gold. (And not just because we're trapped in a basement by a malevolent baron; geez!)

Fun with Plagiarism

It has recently come to my attention that a former colleague has not only stolen and filmed a comedy short for a webseries that I wrote, but has also plagiarized a version of a personal bio I wrote for my website. While unfortunate that this individual has chosen to join the ranks of intellectual property thieves, I firmly believe that one's true voice will always be perceptible to anyone paying even an ounce of attention. I submit below the bio as written and mailed to several witnesses back in December, rendering it fully copyrighted material under the law.

Dear Reader,

As you will see from the photographs above, Audrey Dundee Hannah is neither a jaunty turn-of-the-century newspaper boy nor a bundle of twigs. She is a real-life actress, with human feelings. In addition, Audrey has done some things, including badly canoeing across small lakes and befriending woodland creatures. Also: acting. A member of the Screen Actors Guild, Audrey’s recent credits include webisodes for FOX and Verizon, an sketch comedy TV pilot, various independent films, and an MTV Movie Awards commercial which aired in theaters nationwide. She honed her on-camera skills at Actor’s Certified Training in North Hollywood; studied and performed comedy improvisation at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and Second City offshoot Off Off Campus at the University of Chicago; and workshopped her one-woman show at the Marsh in San Francisco. Audrey holds a B.A. in Drama from Stanford University, where she won the prestigious Eleanor Prosser prize, awarded for excellence in scholarship and performance. She also knows how to sew a nice red cape, which can be worn with mouse ears and is best seen in person.

See that cape in person, dear Reader.

We're Keeping an Eye on You, Actor

The city of Los Angeles insists all businesses are licensed: a fact pretty much all actors moving to the area would know nothing of. A license? To make maybe $2K a year, if that, when you're starting out?

Good news is they're willing to rescind their steep charges upon finding out what's really on your Schedule C. My please-pay-this-thank-you-ma'am totaled over $30,000...hilarious. Months later the nonsense got sorted out, and today I received my official document, to be hung in the place of my business. I quote: "Status: Active. Description: Professions/Occupations."

Los Angeles has officially allowed me to have a profession/occupation. Well, okay!

Very Tender

While plotting out a screenplay, I remembered this piece I loved by artist Jenny Holzer that includes the phrase "It is in your self-interest to find a way to be very tender." Gen X, Gen Y, the Millenials, the technological revolution, the credit crash, the down economy, and all the aftermath of the Bush era vs. opening your heart. Insert joke here, but this truth stands without irony.

Keep On Keeping On

My favorite yoga teacher told us a story this week about a client he teaches one-on-one who had lung cancer and had to have one lung removed. She gets around with a breathing tube all the time: except for when she's doing Bikram. And through the yoga alone, her one remaining lung has grown large enough to take over the space where the missing one used to be, filling her with oxygen.

Email from a friend: a dog born with only its two hind legs. Sentenced to death, then rescued by a woman who saw the sweetness in the creature. The dog now walks around like a biped, making friends everywhere he goes. His name is Faith.

Just sobbed my way through all two hours of "The Blind Side." We never know when we're going to get rescued, or get the honor of coming through for someone. It happens suddenly; a beautiful collision. Even if you think you couldn't, or wouldn't, or can't, you can.

Is This Ad Relevant to You?

Yes, I do have a uterus.

No, I do not relate to pink daisies and hearts used to sell me lady products.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to watching "Man Caves" on Hulu.

Some Things Never Change

Even if they take a long time to land.

(*With regards to the latest cinematic installment: who can argue against Liza, swans, and hummus, I retort?)

Nobody Reads in L.A.

Story by Robert McKee--that seminal text on mastering the screenplay--is readily available at the Los Angeles Public Library. The audiobook version, however, you have to wait for--the current queue suggests at least a three-month delay. Los Angeles: where one chooses to sit down to write a screenplay, but can't be bothered to read a book.

Snack vs. Romance

So which is it going to be? (Cast your vote on the right.)

It's Uncomplicated

Yesterday Netflix sent me a copy of the newly-released "It's Complicated" in an envelope advertising the newly-released "It's Complicated." I wasn't sure whether I was going to watch the movie I ordered, but upon seeing the ad I thought I would. Before I popped in the flick, I wandered into my kitchen, where I considered not eating a banana until I noticed a sticker on said fruit proclaiming its virtues. Full of fructose and cinema saccharine, I contemplated my own value until reading a press release I'd written about myself. "If it says so," I thought, sitting in a strangely unmarked object I'd come to know as chair.

Pass the Number Two Pencils

Insert charming statement to attempt to woo the world.

ABBA CDDB CBAD BAAC DCCA BDCD

Getting it all right in multiple choice: is it working?

Sonny With a Chance of Nepotism

Mickey Rourke was brilliant in "Iron Man 2," but I admittedly spent my time ogling his gorgeous bird whenever he was onscreen. Played by the naturally gifted Elvis, this Russian's sidekick rocked the film but was not invited back for the reshoots. Why? Because Rourke acquired his very own cockatoo named Sonny: and gave him the plum job as a replacement. Elvis is not for lack of paycheck, but still, I am certain his agent had to do a lot of claw-holding to calm down the screeching. Don't even think about the millet bill incurred in the process.

Monkey (Show) Business

And now for an ode to Warren Demontague, star of "Warren the Ape" for MTV (pilot to air June 14th). I believe him to be the most compelling fabricated American to hit the small screen in a long time, and not just because of his command of Shakespeare. He may have hit the skids after the cancellation of his show "Greg the Bunny," but he's in therapy and trying to get back on the wagon. Too young to play Willy Loman and too feisty to be a classical leading man, he's carving his own niche with his good looks, sardonic wit, and drive. May I someday work opposite him!

And Now For What You Just Did

4:40 PM: Commercial audition in West Hollywood.

6:00 PM: Back home.

8:15 PM: Received email containing link to video footage of audition.

What's more bizarre: technology, or the inherent nature of my career?

Imagine this: you got gussied up in your grey suit, you affixed a tie to your neck, you grabbed your notebook and briefcase and headed out to win the job.

The interview went alright; perhaps better or worse than you think, but you feel proud and ready for dinner.

Then you get the ability to watch how the interview went. And stand by your choice of sweater vest.

Classic Moves of a Virus-Addled Mind

I don't know about you, but getting sick induces serious existential crises in me. First a scratchy throat, and next thing I know I am disturbed by being trapped in a human body. From whence do I come, whither do I go, and when is someone coming to cuddle me? Have I missed entirely the life I was meant to have (was I eternally abandoned; am I to blame)?

Thank goodness for the humor of a cold. To keep one from trembling too swiftly on the topic of marriage, babies, worldly achievement, and home ownership, there's one's hilarious voice. "I'b thoo thsick," I say, "I'b THOOPER thsick. Where are by covv drobs? Dizzyues? I deed to blow by DOZE."

IMDb Me!

Now it's that much easier to vote for your favorite actress in the popularity contest that is IMDb with personalized URLs. Mine is http://www.imdb.me/audreydundeehannah. Click it or ticket!

Privacy History Reveals Long-term Relationship

And just when I thought I was being coy with you, website. Yes, it's true...I'm not as aloof as I appear.

Web Browser Feels Shame, Remorse

Pandora, in response, feels silenced, shut down. And human worker feels amused, accepting of program's apology.

Mother's Day

A few moments brought to you by Mother's Day 2010:

+ Betty White talking about her muffin and wanting to lez it up on "Saturday Night Live."

+ Mom at the Skylight bookstore in Los Feliz insisting to her son that it's pronounced "David MAH-mayyy," because it's pronounced "Stephen Col-BEARRR."

+ Burnt pancakes. Oh, how I tried...

Gourd

Today I am going out of my gourd. Because I am not in proximity to my gourd, please keep an eye on it. (It may or may not look like the gourd pictured.)

Charge It

Why not buy the Brooklyn Bridge with your fake money with a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge on it?