Getting a Rebate on 2006

You can still get 3.75% of the value left from four years ago, electronically speaking. Can we receive higher returns from parsing what happened in our personal lives back then? Depends: did you keep that now-retro power cord?

Josh's Corner

In: Toulouse.
Out: My last sheep girlfriend.

In: Going natural.
Out: Too much product in the wool.

In: Summer squash.
Out: Pineapple. Do I look like I come from the tropics?!?

In: Kicking it near the pigs.
Out: Getting spit at by the llamas.

In: Living at The Gentle Barn.
Out: Living at an abusive petting zoo.

In: When I feel like it.
Out: side, mostly!

Post Impressions of Toulouse

Yesterday at The Gentle Barn, I made friends with Toulouse, a girl sheep who once spent her days on a family couch watching TV and now hangs out on the farm with her boyfriend Josh (who currently looks like he's wearing twelve sweaters). This tender creature is mellow, great with kids, and has extensive opinions on the premium cable shows of the early oughts. I ran my screenplay ideas by her, but she's never been one for theatrical release; I took it that "baaa" was a "no."

Sunday I'll Hug a Cow

Buttercup was thankfully rescued from her abusers and brought to The Gentle Barn, where cow-huggers like me get to come make friends for a small donation on Sundays. Note in the above photograph how she tolerates me plastering myself to her lovely backside. That is the power of the gift of raw carrots.

A Gentle Reminder from Target

Thank you, wise bathroom stall.

Animal News Report Courtesy of an 8-Year-Old

Did you know that squirrels are just like my mom?? We were eating lunch at school and then a big mommy with two little babies came out of a hole in the wall. One of the babies ran off, and the mommy tried to catch him, but finally gave up because he was being THAT BAD! (He came back later and everyone ate nuts.)

Did you know that fish are monogamous? That means they pick a girl fish and like them forever. Also, fish can tell who's who and if you were to ask a fish which guy can't be trusted, they know. Fish use tools just like us!

Did you know that bulls are color blind? You wave a red flag at them in your shiny pants and they don't get it. They get mad anyway.

Pets in Glasses Sell Passes on Busses

Trapped en route to UCLA, I pondered this ad. Marmaduke: nostrils of fire. Owen Wilson as Marmaduke. George Lopez, unidentified as the cat.

"April" on IMDb

It's official: the film about the girl who just can't seem to fit in (place tongue in cheek) is hitting the festival circuit and is now up on IMDb. Stay tuned for festival names and dates for screenings!

A Moment of Silence For the Season Finale of "Glee"

Not to mention half a box of tissues. That show melts my heart! Time to get rehydrated.

I Get To Keep My Firstborn

Tortoise vs. hare, student vs. master, present vs. past. Is it surprising who excels? Just when you least expect it, we're spinning hay into gold. (And not just because we're trapped in a basement by a malevolent baron; geez!)

Fun with Plagiarism

It has recently come to my attention that a former colleague has not only stolen and filmed a comedy short for a webseries that I wrote, but has also plagiarized a version of a personal bio I wrote for my website. While unfortunate that this individual has chosen to join the ranks of intellectual property thieves, I firmly believe that one's true voice will always be perceptible to anyone paying even an ounce of attention. I submit below the bio as written and mailed to several witnesses back in December, rendering it fully copyrighted material under the law.

Dear Reader,

As you will see from the photographs above, Audrey Dundee Hannah is neither a jaunty turn-of-the-century newspaper boy nor a bundle of twigs. She is a real-life actress, with human feelings. In addition, Audrey has done some things, including badly canoeing across small lakes and befriending woodland creatures. Also: acting. A member of the Screen Actors Guild, Audrey’s recent credits include webisodes for FOX and Verizon, an sketch comedy TV pilot, various independent films, and an MTV Movie Awards commercial which aired in theaters nationwide. She honed her on-camera skills at Actor’s Certified Training in North Hollywood; studied and performed comedy improvisation at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and Second City offshoot Off Off Campus at the University of Chicago; and workshopped her one-woman show at the Marsh in San Francisco. Audrey holds a B.A. in Drama from Stanford University, where she won the prestigious Eleanor Prosser prize, awarded for excellence in scholarship and performance. She also knows how to sew a nice red cape, which can be worn with mouse ears and is best seen in person.

See that cape in person, dear Reader.

We're Keeping an Eye on You, Actor

The city of Los Angeles insists all businesses are licensed: a fact pretty much all actors moving to the area would know nothing of. A license? To make maybe $2K a year, if that, when you're starting out?

Good news is they're willing to rescind their steep charges upon finding out what's really on your Schedule C. My please-pay-this-thank-you-ma'am totaled over $30,000...hilarious. Months later the nonsense got sorted out, and today I received my official document, to be hung in the place of my business. I quote: "Status: Active. Description: Professions/Occupations."

Los Angeles has officially allowed me to have a profession/occupation. Well, okay!

Very Tender

While plotting out a screenplay, I remembered this piece I loved by artist Jenny Holzer that includes the phrase "It is in your self-interest to find a way to be very tender." Gen X, Gen Y, the Millenials, the technological revolution, the credit crash, the down economy, and all the aftermath of the Bush era vs. opening your heart. Insert joke here, but this truth stands without irony.

Keep On Keeping On

My favorite yoga teacher told us a story this week about a client he teaches one-on-one who had lung cancer and had to have one lung removed. She gets around with a breathing tube all the time: except for when she's doing Bikram. And through the yoga alone, her one remaining lung has grown large enough to take over the space where the missing one used to be, filling her with oxygen.

Email from a friend: a dog born with only its two hind legs. Sentenced to death, then rescued by a woman who saw the sweetness in the creature. The dog now walks around like a biped, making friends everywhere he goes. His name is Faith.

Just sobbed my way through all two hours of "The Blind Side." We never know when we're going to get rescued, or get the honor of coming through for someone. It happens suddenly; a beautiful collision. Even if you think you couldn't, or wouldn't, or can't, you can.

Is This Ad Relevant to You?

Yes, I do have a uterus.

No, I do not relate to pink daisies and hearts used to sell me lady products.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to watching "Man Caves" on Hulu.

Some Things Never Change

Even if they take a long time to land.

(*With regards to the latest cinematic installment: who can argue against Liza, swans, and hummus, I retort?)

Nobody Reads in L.A.

Story by Robert McKee--that seminal text on mastering the screenplay--is readily available at the Los Angeles Public Library. The audiobook version, however, you have to wait for--the current queue suggests at least a three-month delay. Los Angeles: where one chooses to sit down to write a screenplay, but can't be bothered to read a book.

Snack vs. Romance

So which is it going to be? (Cast your vote on the right.)

It's Uncomplicated

Yesterday Netflix sent me a copy of the newly-released "It's Complicated" in an envelope advertising the newly-released "It's Complicated." I wasn't sure whether I was going to watch the movie I ordered, but upon seeing the ad I thought I would. Before I popped in the flick, I wandered into my kitchen, where I considered not eating a banana until I noticed a sticker on said fruit proclaiming its virtues. Full of fructose and cinema saccharine, I contemplated my own value until reading a press release I'd written about myself. "If it says so," I thought, sitting in a strangely unmarked object I'd come to know as chair.

Pass the Number Two Pencils

Insert charming statement to attempt to woo the world.

ABBA CDDB CBAD BAAC DCCA BDCD

Getting it all right in multiple choice: is it working?

Sonny With a Chance of Nepotism

Mickey Rourke was brilliant in "Iron Man 2," but I admittedly spent my time ogling his gorgeous bird whenever he was onscreen. Played by the naturally gifted Elvis, this Russian's sidekick rocked the film but was not invited back for the reshoots. Why? Because Rourke acquired his very own cockatoo named Sonny: and gave him the plum job as a replacement. Elvis is not for lack of paycheck, but still, I am certain his agent had to do a lot of claw-holding to calm down the screeching. Don't even think about the millet bill incurred in the process.

Monkey (Show) Business

And now for an ode to Warren Demontague, star of "Warren the Ape" for MTV (pilot to air June 14th). I believe him to be the most compelling fabricated American to hit the small screen in a long time, and not just because of his command of Shakespeare. He may have hit the skids after the cancellation of his show "Greg the Bunny," but he's in therapy and trying to get back on the wagon. Too young to play Willy Loman and too feisty to be a classical leading man, he's carving his own niche with his good looks, sardonic wit, and drive. May I someday work opposite him!

And Now For What You Just Did

4:40 PM: Commercial audition in West Hollywood.

6:00 PM: Back home.

8:15 PM: Received email containing link to video footage of audition.

What's more bizarre: technology, or the inherent nature of my career?

Imagine this: you got gussied up in your grey suit, you affixed a tie to your neck, you grabbed your notebook and briefcase and headed out to win the job.

The interview went alright; perhaps better or worse than you think, but you feel proud and ready for dinner.

Then you get the ability to watch how the interview went. And stand by your choice of sweater vest.

Classic Moves of a Virus-Addled Mind

I don't know about you, but getting sick induces serious existential crises in me. First a scratchy throat, and next thing I know I am disturbed by being trapped in a human body. From whence do I come, whither do I go, and when is someone coming to cuddle me? Have I missed entirely the life I was meant to have (was I eternally abandoned; am I to blame)?

Thank goodness for the humor of a cold. To keep one from trembling too swiftly on the topic of marriage, babies, worldly achievement, and home ownership, there's one's hilarious voice. "I'b thoo thsick," I say, "I'b THOOPER thsick. Where are by covv drobs? Dizzyues? I deed to blow by DOZE."

IMDb Me!

Now it's that much easier to vote for your favorite actress in the popularity contest that is IMDb with personalized URLs. Mine is http://www.imdb.me/audreydundeehannah. Click it or ticket!

Privacy History Reveals Long-term Relationship

And just when I thought I was being coy with you, website. Yes, it's true...I'm not as aloof as I appear.

Web Browser Feels Shame, Remorse

Pandora, in response, feels silenced, shut down. And human worker feels amused, accepting of program's apology.

Mother's Day

A few moments brought to you by Mother's Day 2010:

+ Betty White talking about her muffin and wanting to lez it up on "Saturday Night Live."

+ Mom at the Skylight bookstore in Los Feliz insisting to her son that it's pronounced "David MAH-mayyy," because it's pronounced "Stephen Col-BEARRR."

+ Burnt pancakes. Oh, how I tried...

Gourd

Today I am going out of my gourd. Because I am not in proximity to my gourd, please keep an eye on it. (It may or may not look like the gourd pictured.)

Charge It

Why not buy the Brooklyn Bridge with your fake money with a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge on it?

Sometimes It's You

Nuns and quintuplets: totally unrecognizable from their place in hiding, wearing wimples and looking like four other people.

Keeping Up With the Joneses

One would hope that a movie titled "The Joneses" would be a hard-hitting look at the perils of conspicuous consumerism, but it only gets about halfway there. Without having to decry "spoiler alert!", it can be said that a couple of obvious fingers are wagged in the film, but because embedded in the movie are both caveats and whalefuls of product placement, it's easy to walk away without much more than an aspiration to someday have a Van Cleef and Arpels ring. I wanted to see the one character who ultimately resists the Jonesification to rent a small apartment, wear a solid-color t-shirt, and spend time jogging or reading a book. I wanted those things to be shown as unglamorous but pretty satisfying. I wanted to feel the spaciousness of it, the relief of being off the treadmill. The way it feels to get just what you really need, and nothing more.

Hooray for Hollywood

The Hollywood sign is officially saved! Or rather, Cahuenga Peak, the land surrounding it, is officially bought and added onto Griffith Park, preserving it from developers for good. Hugh Hefner, recognizing anything unproportionately large and rounded, stepped in with the final $900,000 needed. As my talented comedienne friend Fortune Feimster points out in her stand-up set, while activists the world over work on issues of war, famine, and other injustice, LA activists' happy ending came in garnering a $12,000,000 sign. It's true that sometimes those nine letters feel like they're holding the whole town together; like tenterhooks on a celebrity nose job; and nice to know I won't look up to be re-inspired and have to face off with a cell phone ad instead. If you close your eyes halfway you can still see Katharine Hepburn riding around in a jalopy, dressed in dungarees with a monkey on her shoulder...

Plastic Surgery Isn't a Good Idea?

The New York Times pointed out something on Friday that we facial-expression enthusiasts have felt all along: plastic surgery actually isn't a good idea. The NYT article, which can be read here, deals specifically with actors--and yes, primarily the female of the species--and how getting nipped and tucked can ruin your chances of a great career as much or more than raising them. There are period pieces and the requirements of 3-D technology, yes, but there's also the fact that our job as performers is to show human experience in our faces; to not just stand in, masked by botulism. I think of it this way: any face a baby wouldn't be able to read, respond to, and feel loved by, is no face to act with. In an argument with a male model, who took the stance that a woman with huge breast implants could be just as lovely a person as anyone else, I countered that while she may be kind, sweet, or charming, those beach balls state her values louder than any words she could say. In the words of a FOX casting executive about such an individual, "She's just not for me, then."

Working from Home

Welcome to my home office! I know, I haven't made my bed yet. That is the couch where I will spend several hours running lines to prepare for tomorrow's shoot. That is the desk where I will do rewrites on an FBI spoof concept a friend came up with. There's my wardrobe for the character of irate tax auditor; which blue shirt is better? Could you take the potatoes out of the oven? Dance break: "Your Love is My Drug"! Back to creating the promotional materials to mail...and no staring at the clock. There's no such thing as a quitting time.

My Friends Michael

The city of Angels must be filled only with people named Michael...because that's what just about all of my friends here are called. Relating any story of a weekend prior is somewhat complicated. Amy: don't change a thing.

In Case You Were Interested In A Website That Spies On You

Thanks to a friend's heads up, I discovered Spokeo.com. Don't be fooled: that cute blue hedgehog standing in for an "o" is actually a corporate spy! Spokeo collects various facts about you and posts them up for anyone to find. More detailed information can be had for a price, but even without extra coin there are addresses and phone numbers and key statistics. You can remove yourself from the site by clicking on the "Privacy" link on the lower right hand side, but first you might want to review what's being said about you. In my case, that I have children and am not interested in politics. What? Other choice information included that I do not have central heating in my apartment, and that I am a Scorpio. Children? Apolitical? Scorpio? Okay, it does get cold in the winter. The best little bit was this: "is self-driven." What are you going to do with that, marketers? Let's see what you can sell me and call internal motivation.

Five Star Rating

After two solid years of busting every move I could think of to get myself in to a certain casting office, I finally got into one of their workshops! Sunday I was a knee-deep in a tube of red Dior lipstick, running lines like a madwoman in service of landing myself a role on "Mad Men." This particular workshop joint features written evaluations, and hoping not to get slapped on the wrist with teacher's ruler I cringed at the thought of it. Yet after a lovely two minutes in the audition room, I walked out with my report card...and my perfect score. A long row of all 5s: "exceptional"!

So, yes, that is what is hanging on my fridge. Pass the hors d'oeuvres and pour me another glass of wine. I am both thrilled and now need to sleep for a couple of days!

Successful Screening of "April"!

Yesterday I attended the UCLA screening of "April," a 22-minute film about a high school girl who just can't seem to fit in...could it be her lack of pulse? I was excited to finally see my performance as Mary Lennox, government-appointed social worker, on the big screen as well as to laugh my pants off at all the talented, funny actors populating the movie. Festival circuit, here we come!

Things I Learned On Set Today: Lowe's Magazine Edition

Shooting a scene for a movie in a Lowe's hardware store, I killed some time reading their selection of notably obscure periodicals. In these magazines were pages filled with facts that perhaps needed to be read:

+ If you put banana in a smoothie, it makes it thicker. If you add ice to a smoothie, it makes the smoothie fewer calories. If you put cocoa in a smoothie, it tastes like chocolate.

+ Not just men, but also women, lose their hair. Women should feel more bad about this, because they are supposed to look pretty and can't just wear a baseball cap or shave their head. Women can spend $495 on a brush that beams red lasers into their scalp, which may or may not stimulate growth.

+ Here's how to build a contemporary shed. If you are looking to build an old-fashioned shed, don't look here. This will now be explained for 368 pages.

+ This is a magazine all about eating chicken.

+ This is a magazine about feeling bad you are overweight, which you might purchase while shopping at a hardware store.

+ Steve Carell is just as loveable in person.*

*Not in magazine, but rather discovered in real life.

In Which the Comedienne is Swayed By Thrills

Between being spooked from seeing "The Ghost Writer" and overwhelmed by preparing for waking up at 4:30 AM to head out to set, I'm in a furrowed-brow, heart-racing sort of state. As in this new "I just woke up and want brunch!" commercial headshot, I feign composure. Acting is not unlike tightrope walking; i.e. traversing nerve cells and dendrites with studied control. I'm pulling wardrobe and calculating alarms and transit like I'm staging more than the tedium of life. Which is indicative of the heart-racing: underneath these antics is just plain love.

In An Attempt To Not Have to Work In An Office, I Photograph As An Office Worker

And Now For A Serious Message

Got crossed out: couldn't have been too important.

New Headshots!

For those of you with "real" jobs, imagine if your entire day-to-day career came down to a 1" x 1" square photo of you on a computer screen. Hence, the need for new shots as soon as the old ones stop getting you in the door. I'm ready for my yogurt commercial, Mr. DeMille.

Just When I Once Again Want to Break Up With Hollywood, It Brings Me Roses

The words you try not to hold your breath for, after a casting professional watches you perform:

You're in the right line of work.

I think I made that giant gaudy porcelain player's mask on the wall proud.

Once Upon a Laundromat

Gents, if you fear being untoward with compliments about our most obvious lady attributes, take a piece of advice from a spunky septuagenarian I chatted with at the laundromat today. A dashing television host once picked her out of a lineup of pinups to have on his show. "Did you find her in a crackerjack box?" a terribly rude caller asked. "No!" he said, "I'll tell you why I picked her, other than that she smells awfully nice...I'm just queer for ankles! And she's got the best pair I've ever seen!"

Cosigns

On my way to a meeting with a photographer this afternoon, everywhere I drove there was one film or television production or another buzzing along. Aside from the obvious Honeywagons, craft services trucks, and massive lighting equipment, these events are signified by square yellow signs with large block lettering on them. Shorthand for arriving crew, they instruct you where to park by their presence. As I headed into Hollywood I kept track of the messages coming to me from the cosmos:

AUDREY-->

RUSH

HE

PORKCHOP

Am I to stop a man from eating meat? Or is the man in question about as full of life as a porkchop? Perhaps it's a message from Penny: Come back! Forget flying; I'm for pigs writing. And if there's really going to be a movie called "Audrey," me in it...except for the fact that it was filming on the block where I used to live, to which I never want to return. Hollywood Mad Libs, sign by sign.

Medium Pig

Today on the set of "Medium" I got to hang out with a pig (and I don't mean yet another soulless illiterate Hollywood type). Penny, being a versatile actor, was open to starring as male Barney. She looked ever so fetching in her white rope and black eye makeup. Pig! PIG ON SET! Rendering a previously mentally addled moi totally and completely smitten.

I have got to start hanging out in mud puddles more often.

One Bunny Two Bunny

Easter: that time of year when friends get together for brunch and consider buying the overpriced bundles of shiny jelly beans at the cafe counter. How I miss those days in which the holiday meant skipping through the melting snow to see a matinee of "Twilight of the Cockroaches." Thank you, mother and Japanese cinema!

Jobs-in-the-Night

Sleepless me, dear Reader, could use an excuse for all this tossing and turning. I have to be up this early! I'm trading stock on New York time! Or: Yes, I really am going to that 5 AM Bikram class. Or: I am a superhuman who thrives on three hours of Zzzzs; off to write a bestseller!

It's not that I'm knee-deep in the actor's dilemma. No no. I'm just up stitching waistcoats for a trio of amphibians for a 1920s-themed act involving tiny vintage scooters. Sewing takes time. Frogs are slippery.