At LYASt

Yesterday I taught my first yoga and spinning classes at YAS Silverlake.  Come January I'm on the official schedule, throwing down ten classes a week.  Tap it up!

Trainee in Wonderland

About two hundred classes in to going to my spinning and yoga gym, it seemed like I should teach there already.  Or so said my instructors, who maybe just wanted me to pick up the slack once in awhile!  Training to teach two things that you've done a great deal is a trip through the rabbit hole: nothing is different but nothing looks the same.  Instead of listening to the voice that moves you, you are that voice.  You are that lady in tight pants wearing a headset and shouting motivational catch-phrases over a pounding beat while her legs move a mile a minute.  Just call me Alice...but make sure to keep your core tight and your hands light on the handlebars. 

Giant Squid

Today in 2006, the elusive giant squid finally told Mr. DeMille he was ready for his closeup.  I report via "This Day Today," and wonder if scientists are the new wingmen.

Happy Some Holiday or Another

Happy Halloween!  Thanksgiving!  Black Friday!  Small Business Saturday!  Buy Stuff on Sunday!  Cyber Monday!

Day of Love

Let's reflect on Valentine's Day, via the Egyptian Day of Love.  The heart-filled episode of "This Day Today" is here.

(The Day of Love was actually on November 4th, not today's date of November 10th.  Guess I'm still wondering where those teddy bears with their giant, warm, furry paws went.)

Finger Yarmulke

Quesadilla-making burn or finger yarmulke?  You decide.

New Photos by OG Photography

My agents adore these new headshots from OG Photography.  Here's to great new acting jobs!

Sticky Name

Today Johannes Kepler named the brightest star in the night sky after himself, a full eight days after other people had already seen it.  I compare this to my own attempts at naming.

How Do I Use My Stuff?

In episode 10 of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet," again I receive an avalanche of fodder for a Dadaist litany from a Google search.  Oh, loopy People of the Internet!  One of them (played by special guest star Jordan Engle) stops by to teach me about pockets, and Toast Puppet keeps it crispy.  Check it out!

"Bones" Tonight

Tune in to FOX tonight at 8 PM to watch me guest star on "Bones" in the episode titled "The Tiger in the Tale," which you can also find on Hulu next week.  Lions, and tigers, and bears...and me!

New Photos by Secrest Photography

Check out more of Nakia of Secrest Photography's work here.  She's the bomb!

The Tiger in the Tale Preview

Set photos from "Bones" episode 804 have arrived online!  Catch a glimpse of my ponytail in the one above, but watch the show on October 8th at 8 PM on FOX to see my actual face.  And, of course, the tiger the in tale!

Date Tape

My discount grocery store loot: papaya, okra, potatoes, cactus, and an onion; for less than the price of a piece of gum at Whole Paycheck.  The real prize, however, was witnessing the nonplussed forty-year-old African American lady cashier get hit on by the sixty-five-year-old Eastern European guy bagger.  With the casual style of a bartender with time on his hands, he wore a big smile on his face and started in as she rang me up.

Bagger: You are beautiful, but you look ugly with that tape on your forehead.

Cashier: I need the tape, I have a headache.

Bagger: Have a shot of vodka with me.  I’m depressed too.

Cashier: I’m keeping the tape.

Bagger: I buy the vodka, you buy the chips.

By the time I left, no firm date was set, but I was pretty sure there was some off-brand liquor in their future.  I suppose the moral of the story is that a man’s willing to look past your imperfections, but you still have to bring him food; or that a piece of tape can keep away a headache, but not a lusty alcoholic.  Or maybe you're just supposed to come for the groceries and stay for the schtick.

Hippest Hipsters

This week, Forbes voted the neighborhood in which I live--Silverlake, in Los Angeles--"America's Hippest Hipster Neighborhood," followed by San Francisco's Mission District and Brooklyn's Williamsburg.  This study was based on things like walkability, artisanal coffee shops per capita, and how well citizens maneuvered walking to and from those coffee shops in their skinny jeans.  Proving that there's nothing quite like being called cool to make you feel uncool, I've been hanging out in Historic Filipinotown instead.  My pants are still tight and my beans are still single origin, but now I'm just so up-and-coming.  Time to find a new Thai vegan spot for some self-mock duck, if you know what I mean.

"Conclusions" Playlist

Visit or revisit my glasses collection, conversations with a lobster and a unicorn, and the eternal quest for some (not so) straight-forward answers about life in all the episodes of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  Each new episode is added to the playlist, so it's a link to bookmark--or just subscribe to my YouTube channel, audreydundeehannah.  Thanks for watching, and I look forward to bringing you more hijinks later this month!

Malcolm Gladwell Book Report

Today is writer Malcolm Gladwell's birthday, and in his honor, I give a book report as some kind of an art school dropout trying to hustle her way in the newsroom.  You can watch the episode of "This Day Today" here.

The Tiger in the Tale

Lucia (yours truly) and her husband Costas (Ryan Caltagirone) are driving back from a picnic when they end up in a whole lot of trouble.  And so begins the episode of "Bones" called "The Tiger in the Tale," directed by Dwight Little and written by Dean Lopata, to air early October on FOX.  Working on the show was an absolute pleasure, complete with two brilliant blue peacocks wandering through the arboretum where we were filming.  And what's better than getting to do a scene with Bones (Emily Deschanel) and Booth (David Boreanaz)?  

What Do My Strange Dreams Mean?

In "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet" episode 9, I delve into the People of the Internet's deep-seated fears of mazes, split ends, and sewing machines.  Along the way I also check in with a plastic baby about nude jogging...and don't quite get to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.  Or do I?

What Does Your Name Say About You?

On this, the eighth day of the eighth month, I give to you episode eight of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  Expect to have the sexy be brought back to the lobster, and the dancing back to the thumb.  And don't forget to comb your fur.

This Day Today + Me in One Spot

Check out my "This Day Today" playlist, if you want a debrief on the history of sliced bread, the parking meter, and why the U.S. economy is not unlike a grumpy teenager.

OMG Economy

And now for another brief quip via This Day Today, on the American attitude towards the debt issue.  Whatevs!

Parking Meter Patriotism

 

Why, oh why, must we pay to park?  Here's one explanation, via This Day Today.

Which Is The Best Pet For Me?

A corn snake, really?  And what's this business about a new refrigerator?  Enjoy a yam and a unicorn in episode seven of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  Please watch and share! 

As Good As Sliced Bread

Today my first episode of "This Day Today" is up!  The topic is the history of sliced bread, which is best thing since...you know.  It's a pleasure performing and writing for the show, especially being directed by the supremely talented Lynn Ferguson.  Look for my next episode August 3rd!

What Should I Eat Today?

 The people of the Internet have some pretty specific dietary instructions in episode six of "Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet."  What should you eat today?  Hint: fruit with braggadocio, sneakers and a tennis racket.  And beware, men over 35: you need to hunt down something meant for a baby.

Continuing the theme of what to put in your mouth, stay tuned for this Saturday July 7th, when my first episode of "This Day Today" goes live!

What Should I Wear Today?

Oh, Internet...so many conclusions to be drawn from you.  In episode 5, I ask “What should I wear today?”  Hint: forget about wearing those overwing exit doors, even if there’s a Pan Am pool party.

What Is the Key To Happiness?

"Conclusions To Be Drawn From the Internet" now has a fourth episode!  This time I ask "What is the key to happiness?" and make good use of a Google search.  Preview of coming attractions: JC, a fake relative, and a fashionable lunch. 

How Do I Get A Job?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode three, I ask the question "How do I get a job?"  Hint: playtime with 1040s and the future of the POTUS.

What Should I Do For Fun?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode two, I ask "What should I do for fun?"  Hint: horse, batter, tweezers, shoes.

Am I A Normal Man or Lady?

In each episode of my new webseries, "Conclusions To Be Drawn From The Internet," I use the top 10 or 20 results on a Google search to answer life's most pressing questions.  In episode one, I ask what we'd all like to know: "Am I normal man or lady?"  Hint: get started on the eating of biscuits and the chasing of nerds. 

180 Minutes of Spinning Pony!

We did it!  On Sunday, my spinning buddies and I logged in three hours at YAS-a-thon, fundraising for cancer research in Southern California through ThinkCure! and benefiting the local children's hospital.  Together, our roomful of folks raised over $25,000, and we had a blast hollering and jumping around on our bikes. 

Post on Internet Reveals Webseries on Internet

Coming soon: a new webseries written by and starring yours truly!  "Conclusions to be Drawn From the Internet" takes on the act of Google searching life's pressing questions and offers up some answers from "the people of the Internet."  Link to follow for the first episodes. 

If I Ever Need A Record Cover

 

Photograph by Jordan Engle of OG Photography.

Spinning Pony Still Seeking!

A big thank you to everyone who has donated so far to the fundraiser for ThinkCure! that I'm doing via the YAS-a-thon.  Less than three weeks until I mount that spinning bike for the big ride!  I'm 70% of the way to my goal, so if you'd like to pledge any amount, I'd greatly appreciate it.  Click here.

Tax Fat

Dear Harper's Bazaar,

Thank you for asking all the hard-hitting questions on topics impacting the modern woman, and particularly, for your recent article "Is Plastic Making You Fat?"  I already had confirmed through the scientific method that glass, wood, and marble were not making me fat.  But what about plastic? I wondered.  You confirmed that yes, in addition to the requirement that the ladies constantly worry about their lipids in general, they should fear things like water bottles in specific.  I will most take to heart your concluding advice: Wash your hands after handling lots of receipts.  Wow!  I never made the connection that there is nothing like a financial filing escapade to really pack on the pounds.  Like Midas, I suppose what you touch turns; or rather, turns you.  Why not invest in a hazmat suit?  Underneath its protective covering, you're skinny as can be. 

Love,

Audrey

Supermoon!

This Saturday we'll see the moon loom large in the sky, when it arrives at the closest point to Earth it ever gets.  The moon governs our bodies of water, and given that we're about 80% made of it, we'll feel the tug.  Repressed emotions and impassioned diatribes will surely come out to play.  Or maybe you'll take a more light-hearted tack, and gaze up at the behemoth hanging there like an unwieldy marble and ask, "Cosmos, is that a moon in your sky, or are you just happy to see me?"  Or you'll wonder what Supermoon's version of Clark Kent is.  Or if this lunar cycle purposefully coincides with Cinco de Mayo so that our massive friend can go in search of a big enough margarita to tip its BAC to be cop-worthy.  Good thing the moon doesn't have to worry about getting pulled over. 

Spinning Pony for a Cure

On June 3rd, this talking pony will be getting on a bicycle and spinning for three straight hours at the annual YAS-a-thon in Silverlake to raise money for cancer research (ThinkCure!).  I can provide the spandex and the coconut water it'll take to get me through the workout, but where you come in is the funding to sponsor my ride!  My goal is to raise at least $1,000 for the organization.  I'm dedicating this endeavor to my aunt Miriam, recently diagnosed with bone and breast cancer, and I so appreciate your support.  You can donate here.

Crazy As A Pair Of Waltzing Mice

...Because mice are terrible at three-quarters time.

...Because mice waltzing are more sentimental than lunatic.

...Because all the mice skirts and mice trousers get in the way of quickly finding cheese.

Or to piggyback on Raymond Chandler's conclusion "but I like him," MacArthur Park turns out to be a pretty good place to trot around while a lake-soaked dog reminisces about the ducks he just about caught.  

The Deconstructivist Games

At the end of "The Hunger Games," Katniss and Peeta duke it out with that tedious blond kid. This teaches us the lesson that if you want to win a fight, you should do it on a Frank Gehry sculpture.

Wall Reminds Human What's Important Besides Worldly Success

Sad Candy Machines

Gentlemen and women of the candy, please refill your machines. They look so sad empty, and we're not giving you a quarter for those last three M&Ms.

The German Diplomat Proust Voiceover

My friend Tim Youker baked me President's Day cookies and mailed them in a box with shreds from his PhD dissertation, so naturally I couldn't resist reading some of them. Then I came across some snippets of words in my own files; temporary "poetry" tattoos from when I was a teenager. I present to you the mash-up I made of the body art and the academic musings.

Handsome Justin

There comes a time in every young woman's life when she needs a cup of black coffee and a friend to listen. Thank you, Handsome Coffee Roasters, for providing such a beaver. Justin was both kind and supportive as I wiled away the afternoon, face deep in my notebook. While I support him if he chooses to return to finish his PhD in American History, he sure does his job here well (and what orange teeth, what shiny fur). He has to pick up the slack: after all, one of the baristas has a broken arm, for the love of espresso. I bet Justin secretly works for WoodSmithe and chewed down the exposed beams in the shop himself. So silent and still...yet so capable of multitasking.

Scottish Tagger, Yo

There it is spraypainted on a downtown Los Angeles wall: my middle name, which was my great aunt's first name, from the city in Scotland with which our family has history. Sweet: a Scottish tagger on the loose in the arts district. Represent!

With Character/Personality (Not Her Face)

Every now and then casting notices suspiciously reference oneself. The screenshot above is only a mild example of this phenomenon. For instance, there might be a breakdown which calls for an actress who has been practicing yoga her whole life, whose favorite hobbies are vegan cooking, sewing, and reading about neurobiology and socioeconomic trends, and whose measurements are X-Y-Z. In other words, so very me. The beauty of such a listing is that I will submit myself for the casting director to call in and will not get called in to essentially play the role of myself. "You're everything we're looking for," they might say, "So we went with someone else."

An Actor Prepares

The closest thing I come to Method is using my brunch partner's bacon to make a face. Trust me, the work is better this way. And...scene.

Look Back in Wonderment

Here's a portrait of the actress at four or five. What blows my mind is that I'm the same person: haircut, taste in outfits, stance, and all. In fact, this is probably exactly how I look acting in my master class with Dan Ireland, except a little taller (5'9"). This is the essence of performance to me: looking out in the world in wonder, taking it in, reflecting it back. There I am in my dad's studio in SoHo, one of his paintings in the background, the perfect set. Check out the stool: maybe I'm about to climb on it and do a Beckett monologue. Even if it takes me a decade or two.