Nobody Reads in L.A.

Story by Robert McKee--that seminal text on mastering the screenplay--is readily available at the Los Angeles Public Library. The audiobook version, however, you have to wait for--the current queue suggests at least a three-month delay. Los Angeles: where one chooses to sit down to write a screenplay, but can't be bothered to read a book.

Snack vs. Romance

So which is it going to be? (Cast your vote on the right.)

It's Uncomplicated

Yesterday Netflix sent me a copy of the newly-released "It's Complicated" in an envelope advertising the newly-released "It's Complicated." I wasn't sure whether I was going to watch the movie I ordered, but upon seeing the ad I thought I would. Before I popped in the flick, I wandered into my kitchen, where I considered not eating a banana until I noticed a sticker on said fruit proclaiming its virtues. Full of fructose and cinema saccharine, I contemplated my own value until reading a press release I'd written about myself. "If it says so," I thought, sitting in a strangely unmarked object I'd come to know as chair.

Pass the Number Two Pencils

Insert charming statement to attempt to woo the world.

ABBA CDDB CBAD BAAC DCCA BDCD

Getting it all right in multiple choice: is it working?

Sonny With a Chance of Nepotism

Mickey Rourke was brilliant in "Iron Man 2," but I admittedly spent my time ogling his gorgeous bird whenever he was onscreen. Played by the naturally gifted Elvis, this Russian's sidekick rocked the film but was not invited back for the reshoots. Why? Because Rourke acquired his very own cockatoo named Sonny: and gave him the plum job as a replacement. Elvis is not for lack of paycheck, but still, I am certain his agent had to do a lot of claw-holding to calm down the screeching. Don't even think about the millet bill incurred in the process.

Monkey (Show) Business

And now for an ode to Warren Demontague, star of "Warren the Ape" for MTV (pilot to air June 14th). I believe him to be the most compelling fabricated American to hit the small screen in a long time, and not just because of his command of Shakespeare. He may have hit the skids after the cancellation of his show "Greg the Bunny," but he's in therapy and trying to get back on the wagon. Too young to play Willy Loman and too feisty to be a classical leading man, he's carving his own niche with his good looks, sardonic wit, and drive. May I someday work opposite him!

And Now For What You Just Did

4:40 PM: Commercial audition in West Hollywood.

6:00 PM: Back home.

8:15 PM: Received email containing link to video footage of audition.

What's more bizarre: technology, or the inherent nature of my career?

Imagine this: you got gussied up in your grey suit, you affixed a tie to your neck, you grabbed your notebook and briefcase and headed out to win the job.

The interview went alright; perhaps better or worse than you think, but you feel proud and ready for dinner.

Then you get the ability to watch how the interview went. And stand by your choice of sweater vest.

Classic Moves of a Virus-Addled Mind

I don't know about you, but getting sick induces serious existential crises in me. First a scratchy throat, and next thing I know I am disturbed by being trapped in a human body. From whence do I come, whither do I go, and when is someone coming to cuddle me? Have I missed entirely the life I was meant to have (was I eternally abandoned; am I to blame)?

Thank goodness for the humor of a cold. To keep one from trembling too swiftly on the topic of marriage, babies, worldly achievement, and home ownership, there's one's hilarious voice. "I'b thoo thsick," I say, "I'b THOOPER thsick. Where are by covv drobs? Dizzyues? I deed to blow by DOZE."

IMDb Me!

Now it's that much easier to vote for your favorite actress in the popularity contest that is IMDb with personalized URLs. Mine is http://www.imdb.me/audreydundeehannah. Click it or ticket!

Privacy History Reveals Long-term Relationship

And just when I thought I was being coy with you, website. Yes, it's true...I'm not as aloof as I appear.

Web Browser Feels Shame, Remorse

Pandora, in response, feels silenced, shut down. And human worker feels amused, accepting of program's apology.

Mother's Day

A few moments brought to you by Mother's Day 2010:

+ Betty White talking about her muffin and wanting to lez it up on "Saturday Night Live."

+ Mom at the Skylight bookstore in Los Feliz insisting to her son that it's pronounced "David MAH-mayyy," because it's pronounced "Stephen Col-BEARRR."

+ Burnt pancakes. Oh, how I tried...

Gourd

Today I am going out of my gourd. Because I am not in proximity to my gourd, please keep an eye on it. (It may or may not look like the gourd pictured.)

Charge It

Why not buy the Brooklyn Bridge with your fake money with a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge on it?

Sometimes It's You

Nuns and quintuplets: totally unrecognizable from their place in hiding, wearing wimples and looking like four other people.

Keeping Up With the Joneses

One would hope that a movie titled "The Joneses" would be a hard-hitting look at the perils of conspicuous consumerism, but it only gets about halfway there. Without having to decry "spoiler alert!", it can be said that a couple of obvious fingers are wagged in the film, but because embedded in the movie are both caveats and whalefuls of product placement, it's easy to walk away without much more than an aspiration to someday have a Van Cleef and Arpels ring. I wanted to see the one character who ultimately resists the Jonesification to rent a small apartment, wear a solid-color t-shirt, and spend time jogging or reading a book. I wanted those things to be shown as unglamorous but pretty satisfying. I wanted to feel the spaciousness of it, the relief of being off the treadmill. The way it feels to get just what you really need, and nothing more.

Hooray for Hollywood

The Hollywood sign is officially saved! Or rather, Cahuenga Peak, the land surrounding it, is officially bought and added onto Griffith Park, preserving it from developers for good. Hugh Hefner, recognizing anything unproportionately large and rounded, stepped in with the final $900,000 needed. As my talented comedienne friend Fortune Feimster points out in her stand-up set, while activists the world over work on issues of war, famine, and other injustice, LA activists' happy ending came in garnering a $12,000,000 sign. It's true that sometimes those nine letters feel like they're holding the whole town together; like tenterhooks on a celebrity nose job; and nice to know I won't look up to be re-inspired and have to face off with a cell phone ad instead. If you close your eyes halfway you can still see Katharine Hepburn riding around in a jalopy, dressed in dungarees with a monkey on her shoulder...

Plastic Surgery Isn't a Good Idea?

The New York Times pointed out something on Friday that we facial-expression enthusiasts have felt all along: plastic surgery actually isn't a good idea. The NYT article, which can be read here, deals specifically with actors--and yes, primarily the female of the species--and how getting nipped and tucked can ruin your chances of a great career as much or more than raising them. There are period pieces and the requirements of 3-D technology, yes, but there's also the fact that our job as performers is to show human experience in our faces; to not just stand in, masked by botulism. I think of it this way: any face a baby wouldn't be able to read, respond to, and feel loved by, is no face to act with. In an argument with a male model, who took the stance that a woman with huge breast implants could be just as lovely a person as anyone else, I countered that while she may be kind, sweet, or charming, those beach balls state her values louder than any words she could say. In the words of a FOX casting executive about such an individual, "She's just not for me, then."

Working from Home

Welcome to my home office! I know, I haven't made my bed yet. That is the couch where I will spend several hours running lines to prepare for tomorrow's shoot. That is the desk where I will do rewrites on an FBI spoof concept a friend came up with. There's my wardrobe for the character of irate tax auditor; which blue shirt is better? Could you take the potatoes out of the oven? Dance break: "Your Love is My Drug"! Back to creating the promotional materials to mail...and no staring at the clock. There's no such thing as a quitting time.

My Friends Michael

The city of Angels must be filled only with people named Michael...because that's what just about all of my friends here are called. Relating any story of a weekend prior is somewhat complicated. Amy: don't change a thing.