"April" Abroad

"April", that winsome mockumentary that I am so happy to be a part of, is now showing online with the UK-based Itzon.TV Film Festival. It's free to watch, and offers a full screen, high definition viewing experience. The finalists in the festival are decided by audience votes. Please create a free profile, watch the film, and vote for us! You can watch at the following scheduled times (Wednesday 5/18/11: 5:28PM, Thursday 5/19/11: 7:41PM, Friday 5/20/11: 6:31AM, Saturday 5/21/11: 12:45PM, Sunday 5/22/11: 4:29AM, Monday 5/23/11: 9:56AM, Tuesday 5/24/11: 7:18AM) or use their on-demand function. Times are either adjusted for various zones as indicated, or someone's a jokester over at Itzon. Check it out!

Phrase of Our Lives

"No way!" I thought in response to Amazon's downstream suggestion. Purchase my books (and favorite French anise-flavored candy) and allow access to my credit card information through the phrase "Audrey's Undisturbed Tensions"? Hopefully between the quality literature and the sweets my tensions would be entirely disturbed; rendered impotent and vanquished entirely. Too astute for its own good, Amazon's rejoinder was the suggestion of another phrase: how about "Audrey's Unbroken Candor"? Yes, Amazon, let's keep it real.

Snack Glove

If you are a doctor who might get hungry later, feel free to make a snack glove. Nothing for you but the most hygienic to finger those pecan bars.

Man Fall In Love

Some women keep reading material such as How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You ironically, like how they don't actually make waffles with their iron; but such books are funnier and do not require maple syrup, even hypothetically.

If you are enamored of someone who looks like a relative of Pac-man, this tome is for you! Perhaps, according to the author, your boyfriend is always listening, which he does by rotating his eyes back and forth:


In that case, perhaps you do not know if he is in love. Because this is what he looks like if he is:


You'll know a man loves you when he wears the pancakes you made on his eyes. That would be a good time to sketch him and turn those drawings into a video game. But hopefully with more smiling.

Toothy Grin

We all accept that dentists have the prerogative to advertise their services through use of a tooth logo. We acknowledge that in order to appear friendly and not too Little Shop of Horrors-y, they may choose to give that tooth a smile, thus rendering it less a glyph and more of a mascot.But what happens when that smile is so full, so radiant, as to reveal teeth? Where does something that started out as a welcoming gesture turn into a carnivalesque need for orthodonture? "Don't worry," says the winsome call of such a molar, "I can handle any meal all on my own."

Bake It Frost It Picture Take It

"Say cupcakes!" my lovely and talented photographer Erin Gibson urged, as we worked the big cartoon eyes and wavy (read: comedy) hair. Sitting in a West Hollywood garage in a tank top, you think to yourself, This is February, and maybe these photographs will launch my career, but right now—"CUPCAKES!"

Sleepless in Silverlake

It's been a good long while since I went nearly sleepless, but last night there was no rest for the wounded. In dreams we get some murky license for whimsy and experimentation, but in waking life it's all reality, reality, reality. Without the respite of my Zzzzs, I had to rely entirely on what was visible to my eyes but nonetheless seemed like apparitions:

*My cell phone displaying a photograph from the first of the year. In it, I simultaneously look deeply unglamorous and incredibly happy, proving there is an inverse relationship between makeup and joy.

*An episode of "Weeds" playing on my laptop, in which I ride a bicycle and the pink blotch of t-shirt with me in it keeps wending its way through various scenes. No one would know it's me; I am secretly haunting another narrative world.

*Vegan mochi ball ice cream. All those years of wishing they would make a non-dairy alternative produced the desired outcome, there in my hand. Don't pinch or dream me, I'm awake.

Infant Formula

What better vending machine to have in the lobby of a casting center that includes a modeling agency than one with a baby wearing lipstick and drinking its body weight in Coke?

An Illicit Word from Noodles

In my spam folder: an email from Official Pasta Boat, regarding TV Pasta Boat. I'm unfamiliar with TV Pasta Boat; is it related to Major Theatrical Release Pasta Boat? What about Unofficial Pasta Boat: when I get mail from that guy, can I take him seriously? "Make dinner fast, quick, and easy"...Pasta Boat, do you have somewhere else to go? I thought we'd spend some quality time together. After all, I'm guessing you are an entire boat full of pasta, and are here because I am hungry. Wait, spam folder...it's time to come clean about what's in your sauce.

Agency My Agency

Here in Hollywood, when we say "signed across the board," we're not referring to an autograph on a Monopoly set, but rather an agency representing an actor both theatrically (film and television) and commercially. I scribbled on one such plank, so to speak, today.

I'm thrilled to be working with RPM Talent Agency, which has recently merged with The Agency, which has recently merged with my resume, which has recently passed "Go" and collected $200*, 10% of which will go to what I can only hope will be called Agency The Agency, so that the next phase of my career is lead by a glorious typo wrapped in an enigma and coated with a delicious chocolately network contract.

We're on the move...

*Monopoly joke, for those foreign children who were busy in the outside-world, rather than chewing on the machinations of tiny plastic dogs and hats.

Socks At Last

Quiet love stories have clout, too. As I moved my delicates into my new chest of drawers, not one but two pairs of socks were reunited with their mates. Really, these socks were left for dead. "The laundromat clearly ate them," the legend went. But they held out, and timing took the reigns. Cozied up together again, dreaming of hikes and jogs, they're right where they're meant to be.

Google Maps Understands

In the realm of Los Angeles, for the journey from Los Feliz to Venice, you'll need a passport and a great book-on-tape. Google Maps, in an emotional state tonight, demonstrated that it fully understands. Canada to somewhere in the Pacific? That looks about right.

Dog Cookieface

"I'll take the shepherd," I said to the barista. The dalmatian, daschund, and terrier simply wouldn't do. Later, I took the dog for a walk; albeit digesting inside of me.

Epiphany, or Twelfth Night

According to my fabulous 2011 Slingshot organizer, complete with key dates regarding activists, anarchists, worker's rights, and revolutions, today is Epiphany. Ring them bells, Baez! Time to take your Christmas tree down and eat all your collected fruits and nuts. Carnival season begins as you load up like a zealous squirrel, what with your freshly-baked cake containing one bean and one pea. Who will be crowned King and Queen tonight? Only the legumes can say.

Romance of the Postal Service

Forget the instant data delivery to your handset of the 21st century; how about stores? Talk about instant gratification! There's something to be said for having to wait a little for what you want. I'm for the days of ordering from the dusty brown-paged tome at the town goods outpost. Three months to get that calico and twine in? Fine; save up for some lumps of sugar and a packet of novelty buttons. Watch at the front porch until that postal worker on his horse arrives just past winter. And then, with great aplomb, friend: unwrap.

This, the New Year of 2011, We Acknowledge

Something happened that caused it to be three days into the new year. I am not yet sure what this new year is made of. Are our hands sticky? It might be paper mache. Does it bake well and go nicely with jams? Perhaps the time-space continuum is really bread. Maybe if we look at what good it's brought so far, as well as what challenges we might anticipate, we can give it a good bath as if to say, You're perfect, and clean to boot.

The World Is Bound By Secret Knots

You want Mexican? Hey, me too!

M-I-S-S Rescue

Missouri State Highway Patrol: when you're in trouble, we send two black bears to help you. Do not fear their large galoshes, or their tender embrace.

Gratitude, or Like Stuff Say Thank You

Oh, sun conjunct sun, otherwise known in layman's terms as birthday, you did not let me down. Grazie, danke, merci, and suchforth. A-lady!

And the Award for the Best Pickup Line of 2010 Goes To...

Earlier this year I ran a poll on the right-hand sidebar for the best pickup line I was plied with in 2010. As we near the end of December and I have collected a few more contenders, I give you this more comprehensive list from which to choose:

* I'd drive 1100 miles to see you do stand-up.

* Are you old enough to have been on the original "90210"?

* You've got the best towel in the room.

* I guess I'd give you a 9 out of 10.

* I stole your number from work because I'm creepy and you're a cool lady.

and

* If I flew us in my private jet to get stranded on a desert island, I'd definitely barbecue and eat you. But I can't date you because you're a vegan. Even though you're hot.