Equally Valid Optimism Via Fruit

Cherries notwithstanding, life is just a plate of grapeys!

Talk Isn't Cheap

These days, it's common to get away with substituting conversation with texting, which is another way of saying that full language can be swapped out for brief symbols. Why negotiate the complexity of human relationships when you can send a smoke signal instead? Forget spelling, respect, and talking out loud. LOL! LMAO! OMFG! Maybe "I'll talk to you" is the new "I love you." Or maybe instead of roping steer and gunning down the bad guys, alpha males can show their prowess through a face-to-face conversation. "What's on your mind?" the virile will say. "Let's talk about it." Girls and boys, take the dictionary off the shelf and use it.

No Nude Mimes

Imagine that you are a mime. You have just found a casting notice for a role you can do! Alas, if you are female and acting on camera, you must have to take off your underpants. What's this? A part that lets you tell a story without words or sound while keeping your black unitard on? Ladies of the panto, rejoice. This director must truly be a visionary, to imagine you pulling an invisible rope and dressed at exactly the same time.

"April" Abroad

"April", that winsome mockumentary that I am so happy to be a part of, is now showing online with the UK-based Itzon.TV Film Festival. It's free to watch, and offers a full screen, high definition viewing experience. The finalists in the festival are decided by audience votes. Please create a free profile, watch the film, and vote for us! You can watch at the following scheduled times (Wednesday 5/18/11: 5:28PM, Thursday 5/19/11: 7:41PM, Friday 5/20/11: 6:31AM, Saturday 5/21/11: 12:45PM, Sunday 5/22/11: 4:29AM, Monday 5/23/11: 9:56AM, Tuesday 5/24/11: 7:18AM) or use their on-demand function. Times are either adjusted for various zones as indicated, or someone's a jokester over at Itzon. Check it out!

Phrase of Our Lives

"No way!" I thought in response to Amazon's downstream suggestion. Purchase my books (and favorite French anise-flavored candy) and allow access to my credit card information through the phrase "Audrey's Undisturbed Tensions"? Hopefully between the quality literature and the sweets my tensions would be entirely disturbed; rendered impotent and vanquished entirely. Too astute for its own good, Amazon's rejoinder was the suggestion of another phrase: how about "Audrey's Unbroken Candor"? Yes, Amazon, let's keep it real.

Snack Glove

If you are a doctor who might get hungry later, feel free to make a snack glove. Nothing for you but the most hygienic to finger those pecan bars.

Man Fall In Love

Some women keep reading material such as How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You ironically, like how they don't actually make waffles with their iron; but such books are funnier and do not require maple syrup, even hypothetically.

If you are enamored of someone who looks like a relative of Pac-man, this tome is for you! Perhaps, according to the author, your boyfriend is always listening, which he does by rotating his eyes back and forth:


In that case, perhaps you do not know if he is in love. Because this is what he looks like if he is:


You'll know a man loves you when he wears the pancakes you made on his eyes. That would be a good time to sketch him and turn those drawings into a video game. But hopefully with more smiling.