Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving...or "Turkey Day," as it is often called. Calling a day where people slaughter and eat turkeys en masse "Turkey Day" is kind of like calling any occasion of genocide "Human Day." Happy Human Day! Off with their heads! I'm looking forward to the seitan and gravy, green beans, and yams of the all-vegan Madeleine Bistro. Live turkeys will be in attendance, as will my clear conscience. Sorry, brussel sprouts...you're going down.

Reel-y? Really.

My new theatrical reel is up on audreydundeehannah.com, thanks to the swift and intelligent work of Robert Campbell, editor extraordinaire, and Josh Reisner, genius webmaster. Thanks guys! You're the best.

Great Gatsby: 5 for 5

What with the casting news surrounding the movie version of F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic, The Great Gatsby, I started mentioning it in casual conversation. My hope was to have some lively banter about the novel, but instead was met every time with a blank stare. That's right, folks, I'm five for five. That's 100% of my pollers who have not read the book. What do high schools teach now? Did it just not get covered? "I don't know," everyone says, "I was busy being bad back then."

Drunk and carried away: 1, Nick Carraway: 0.

"April" Wins at Mockfest and Shockfest!

And grunts happily home to chew on a greening finger.
Congrats, Spooky!

Ask for Math

Last night at Shockfest Film Festival a pack of would-be Miss Shockfests lined up, all gussied in gear befitting a dominatrix who enjoys Barbie hair. "Do you like it R-rated?" the emcee asked the crowd. "How about single X? How about triple X?" He then told us to get set because they'd do anything we asked for. My friend Tim nudged me. "Math," he said. "Ask for math."

A Younger, Prettier

Tonight in class the casting director proclaimed, "Oh, I know who you remind me of! A younger, prettier Drew Barrymore!" Which reminded me of another casting director who thinks of me as a younger, prettier Hilary Swank. Which is not to be confused with a co-worker who regards me as a younger, prettier Kristin Davis. Then there's most people, who think of me as a younger, prettier my mom. Maybe the person I most resemble after all is the one whose womb I came out of. But only maybe. It has yet to be confirmed or denied whether Fozzie Bear has ovaries. And believe me, in a lineup with him I look waaay younger.

Mary, Mock-and-Shockfest

"April" screens at Shockfest Film Festival in Hollywood this Friday night! Here's an interview at AOF Film Festival in Pasadena earlier this year with director/writer/producer Mike Piccirillo that includes a clip of everyone's favorite government-appointed social worker, Mary Lennox.

Cottonpuff Worm Visits a Medspa

My eyelids are drooping. Do you do Thermage? Check out those elevens. How about Botox? I may be hyperpigmenting due to sun damage. What can you offer me on Fraxel? And do you see that wrinkle by my nasolabial fold? Do you? It's terrifying, don't you think? Well, don't you?

Part of Fascination

Ancient astrology includes calculations referred to now as "Arabic Parts," not because they are all Arabic in origin but because that's the part of the world that ended up collecting them for posterity. The Part of Karma, the Part of Marriage, the Part of Fortune; and my favorite, the Part of Fascination. Take the ascendant, add Venus, and subtract Uranus. Because there's nothing fascinating about Uranus. (Bah-dum-bum. I'll be here all night, folks...)

Beard the Lion In His Own Den

When you confront the opposition on their turf, you're bearding the lion in his own den. Or in my case today, taking on the part of me that wants to hang onto my old clutter. Boxes of the stuff!

I have a new workplace friend who's adept at waxing, and like her I imagine taking big blue sticks and ripping away whatever mustache or soul patch was on the face of the me keeping too many papers.

And if I have to give my messy persona a Brazilian, I will give my messy persona a Brazilian.