Nobody Reads in L.A.

Story by Robert McKee--that seminal text on mastering the screenplay--is readily available at the Los Angeles Public Library. The audiobook version, however, you have to wait for--the current queue suggests at least a three-month delay. Los Angeles: where one chooses to sit down to write a screenplay, but can't be bothered to read a book.

Snack vs. Romance

So which is it going to be? (Cast your vote on the right.)

It's Uncomplicated

Yesterday Netflix sent me a copy of the newly-released "It's Complicated" in an envelope advertising the newly-released "It's Complicated." I wasn't sure whether I was going to watch the movie I ordered, but upon seeing the ad I thought I would. Before I popped in the flick, I wandered into my kitchen, where I considered not eating a banana until I noticed a sticker on said fruit proclaiming its virtues. Full of fructose and cinema saccharine, I contemplated my own value until reading a press release I'd written about myself. "If it says so," I thought, sitting in a strangely unmarked object I'd come to know as chair.

Pass the Number Two Pencils

Insert charming statement to attempt to woo the world.

ABBA CDDB CBAD BAAC DCCA BDCD

Getting it all right in multiple choice: is it working?

Sonny With a Chance of Nepotism

Mickey Rourke was brilliant in "Iron Man 2," but I admittedly spent my time ogling his gorgeous bird whenever he was onscreen. Played by the naturally gifted Elvis, this Russian's sidekick rocked the film but was not invited back for the reshoots. Why? Because Rourke acquired his very own cockatoo named Sonny: and gave him the plum job as a replacement. Elvis is not for lack of paycheck, but still, I am certain his agent had to do a lot of claw-holding to calm down the screeching. Don't even think about the millet bill incurred in the process.

Monkey (Show) Business

And now for an ode to Warren Demontague, star of "Warren the Ape" for MTV (pilot to air June 14th). I believe him to be the most compelling fabricated American to hit the small screen in a long time, and not just because of his command of Shakespeare. He may have hit the skids after the cancellation of his show "Greg the Bunny," but he's in therapy and trying to get back on the wagon. Too young to play Willy Loman and too feisty to be a classical leading man, he's carving his own niche with his good looks, sardonic wit, and drive. May I someday work opposite him!

And Now For What You Just Did

4:40 PM: Commercial audition in West Hollywood.

6:00 PM: Back home.

8:15 PM: Received email containing link to video footage of audition.

What's more bizarre: technology, or the inherent nature of my career?

Imagine this: you got gussied up in your grey suit, you affixed a tie to your neck, you grabbed your notebook and briefcase and headed out to win the job.

The interview went alright; perhaps better or worse than you think, but you feel proud and ready for dinner.

Then you get the ability to watch how the interview went. And stand by your choice of sweater vest.

Classic Moves of a Virus-Addled Mind

I don't know about you, but getting sick induces serious existential crises in me. First a scratchy throat, and next thing I know I am disturbed by being trapped in a human body. From whence do I come, whither do I go, and when is someone coming to cuddle me? Have I missed entirely the life I was meant to have (was I eternally abandoned; am I to blame)?

Thank goodness for the humor of a cold. To keep one from trembling too swiftly on the topic of marriage, babies, worldly achievement, and home ownership, there's one's hilarious voice. "I'b thoo thsick," I say, "I'b THOOPER thsick. Where are by covv drobs? Dizzyues? I deed to blow by DOZE."

IMDb Me!

Now it's that much easier to vote for your favorite actress in the popularity contest that is IMDb with personalized URLs. Mine is http://www.imdb.me/audreydundeehannah. Click it or ticket!

Privacy History Reveals Long-term Relationship

And just when I thought I was being coy with you, website. Yes, it's true...I'm not as aloof as I appear.

Web Browser Feels Shame, Remorse

Pandora, in response, feels silenced, shut down. And human worker feels amused, accepting of program's apology.

Mother's Day

A few moments brought to you by Mother's Day 2010:

+ Betty White talking about her muffin and wanting to lez it up on "Saturday Night Live."

+ Mom at the Skylight bookstore in Los Feliz insisting to her son that it's pronounced "David MAH-mayyy," because it's pronounced "Stephen Col-BEARRR."

+ Burnt pancakes. Oh, how I tried...

Gourd

Today I am going out of my gourd. Because I am not in proximity to my gourd, please keep an eye on it. (It may or may not look like the gourd pictured.)

Charge It

Why not buy the Brooklyn Bridge with your fake money with a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge on it?