The World Is Bound By Secret Knots

You want Mexican? Hey, me too!

M-I-S-S Rescue

Missouri State Highway Patrol: when you're in trouble, we send two black bears to help you. Do not fear their large galoshes, or their tender embrace.

Gratitude, or Like Stuff Say Thank You

Oh, sun conjunct sun, otherwise known in layman's terms as birthday, you did not let me down. Grazie, danke, merci, and suchforth. A-lady!

And the Award for the Best Pickup Line of 2010 Goes To...

Earlier this year I ran a poll on the right-hand sidebar for the best pickup line I was plied with in 2010. As we near the end of December and I have collected a few more contenders, I give you this more comprehensive list from which to choose:

* I'd drive 1100 miles to see you do stand-up.

* Are you old enough to have been on the original "90210"?

* You've got the best towel in the room.

* I guess I'd give you a 9 out of 10.

* I stole your number from work because I'm creepy and you're a cool lady.

and

* If I flew us in my private jet to get stranded on a desert island, I'd definitely barbecue and eat you. But I can't date you because you're a vegan. Even though you're hot.

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving...or "Turkey Day," as it is often called. Calling a day where people slaughter and eat turkeys en masse "Turkey Day" is kind of like calling any occasion of genocide "Human Day." Happy Human Day! Off with their heads! I'm looking forward to the seitan and gravy, green beans, and yams of the all-vegan Madeleine Bistro. Live turkeys will be in attendance, as will my clear conscience. Sorry, brussel sprouts...you're going down.

Reel-y? Really.

My new theatrical reel is up on audreydundeehannah.com, thanks to the swift and intelligent work of Robert Campbell, editor extraordinaire, and Josh Reisner, genius webmaster. Thanks guys! You're the best.

Great Gatsby: 5 for 5

What with the casting news surrounding the movie version of F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic, The Great Gatsby, I started mentioning it in casual conversation. My hope was to have some lively banter about the novel, but instead was met every time with a blank stare. That's right, folks, I'm five for five. That's 100% of my pollers who have not read the book. What do high schools teach now? Did it just not get covered? "I don't know," everyone says, "I was busy being bad back then."

Drunk and carried away: 1, Nick Carraway: 0.

"April" Wins at Mockfest and Shockfest!

And grunts happily home to chew on a greening finger.
Congrats, Spooky!

Ask for Math

Last night at Shockfest Film Festival a pack of would-be Miss Shockfests lined up, all gussied in gear befitting a dominatrix who enjoys Barbie hair. "Do you like it R-rated?" the emcee asked the crowd. "How about single X? How about triple X?" He then told us to get set because they'd do anything we asked for. My friend Tim nudged me. "Math," he said. "Ask for math."

A Younger, Prettier

Tonight in class the casting director proclaimed, "Oh, I know who you remind me of! A younger, prettier Drew Barrymore!" Which reminded me of another casting director who thinks of me as a younger, prettier Hilary Swank. Which is not to be confused with a co-worker who regards me as a younger, prettier Kristin Davis. Then there's most people, who think of me as a younger, prettier my mom. Maybe the person I most resemble after all is the one whose womb I came out of. But only maybe. It has yet to be confirmed or denied whether Fozzie Bear has ovaries. And believe me, in a lineup with him I look waaay younger.

Mary, Mock-and-Shockfest

"April" screens at Shockfest Film Festival in Hollywood this Friday night! Here's an interview at AOF Film Festival in Pasadena earlier this year with director/writer/producer Mike Piccirillo that includes a clip of everyone's favorite government-appointed social worker, Mary Lennox.

Cottonpuff Worm Visits a Medspa

My eyelids are drooping. Do you do Thermage? Check out those elevens. How about Botox? I may be hyperpigmenting due to sun damage. What can you offer me on Fraxel? And do you see that wrinkle by my nasolabial fold? Do you? It's terrifying, don't you think? Well, don't you?

Part of Fascination

Ancient astrology includes calculations referred to now as "Arabic Parts," not because they are all Arabic in origin but because that's the part of the world that ended up collecting them for posterity. The Part of Karma, the Part of Marriage, the Part of Fortune; and my favorite, the Part of Fascination. Take the ascendant, add Venus, and subtract Uranus. Because there's nothing fascinating about Uranus. (Bah-dum-bum. I'll be here all night, folks...)

Beard the Lion In His Own Den

When you confront the opposition on their turf, you're bearding the lion in his own den. Or in my case today, taking on the part of me that wants to hang onto my old clutter. Boxes of the stuff!

I have a new workplace friend who's adept at waxing, and like her I imagine taking big blue sticks and ripping away whatever mustache or soul patch was on the face of the me keeping too many papers.

And if I have to give my messy persona a Brazilian, I will give my messy persona a Brazilian.

London Calling

Today I traveled through Heathrow airport.

Okay, so it was a college in Santa Clarita turned into the international hub for a popular ABC Family show. But as I emerged down a long staircase into the bustling crowd, flight info tickers turning, it felt real, like a premonition. Like my neighbor's freshly strung Christmas tree when it's barely Halloween; an early entrance, but with each passing day, more and more relevant.

With All the Things You Can Eat

Congratulations! my recent allergy test results seemed to say. Look at all the things you can eat! But then I saw that nestled between scans for milk, gluten, and soy allergies was an unexpected word: COCKROACH. You know, I wasn't really all that concerned as to whether I had clearance to consume vermin, but apparently my system is at the ready if I so choose. Thanks, Quest Diagnostics, for keeping my options open.

Shoe, Pet, or Food?

Maybe it goes with jeans.

Maybe it's a baby lamb.

Or perhaps it's by your side, waiting for a walk and a biscuit.

Calling All Talented Actors Without Discerning Taste

The above is a small segment of an email I received this week regarding a workshop to meet a manager. I don't know about you, other able actors, but I am not looking to be a part of a barnyard. At least not professionally.

"April" in Mockfest and Shockfest!

According to director Mike Piccirillo, "April" is the first film in the history of Mockfest and Shockfest to be chosen for both! That's what happens when you've got a ghouly-themed mockumentary that's awesome. The related festivals run November 12-14th, with "April" kicking off Shockfest on the Friday and wowing the pants off of Mockfest later that weekend. If festivals even wear pants. I hope this festival doesn't go commando, because that would be really awkward.

Yes to This, That, and the Other

Archie Grand is on to something...don't fill your journal with soppy missives about almosts, catalogue what works. This is for me! That is what I'm after! Forget about the other! Our possessions, if weeded properly, do that job wordlessly every day. They are not who we are, but they remind us; a multi-surfaced mirror. Striped t-shirts, novelty ice cube tray collection? Here's looking at me, kid.

GOOD NEWS YOU HAVE WON!!!!

Spam? Are you kidding? I am thrilled to have won the Irish lottery!! I hope it comes with a pot of gold, a rainbow, a leprechaun, and an actual-sized man.

I Went to Stanford

Today I submitted myself for two acting roles:

1) A woman who is type A and terrified of farting, and then finally does;

2) A bride.

Thank you, Hollywood, for your limitless opportunities.

Looking Moneyed: Balls

Giant wooden balls: a necessity for every classy home. Why buy just one when you can fill a living room table with them? Show your guests how big your balls can be.

Hey Mister, Spare a Dime?

Payphones: they still exist. In case you hadn't seen one in awhile, here's two. So much for worrying about having five bars...

In Memoriam of Jason Oliver

Today was Jason's memorial gathering in the Bay Area, and while I wasn't there in the flesh, I thought of my dear friend and gazed at the single orchid petal mysteriously placed on the dash of my car. Jason, how could you have left us so suddenly and unexpectedly? Today we celebrate you.

I was going to write Jason a testimonial for his website, but I kept getting hung up on waiting for more results. I knew the work I was doing with him was hugely impactful and that I'd eventually have even more to show for it than the fact that I held my head higher walking through the world; knew myself better. I wanted to have trophies to bring back for him; to hold up tangible proof in honor of my great teacher that by giving so much and asking so little in return from me that he had accomplished everything, even that which seemed impossible. The irony being, of course, that he wouldn't have seen it as his work, but mine. Yet I could never have not seen it as ours.

In the year that I knew Jason, I went from an actress striving just to get in the door to getting called back to audition for Hollywood casting directors and producers for leads in two comedy pilots and a feature film, along with winning a key role in an award-winning short. I began to change how I approached and saw relationships; valuing myself much higher than I had. I finally had a way to get out of any negative sinkhole I sunk into. I can still hear Jason's voice talking back to me when I start to dive under, and it's clear that he will always be with me.

I am so grateful for the time that I had with such a brilliant, wise, caring spiritual leader, who gave because he loved giving, and who loved me to my surprise even though he saw all my difficult sides. He never stopped seeing my name in lights, and now wherever I see light, I see his name.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Jason. I love you.

Audrey

Poster Sets It Straight

Death, marriage, shopping: and a whole lot of driving down the freeway. That's my week in review. Thank you, local poster, for the reminder You Have Everything You Need. Even as the world turns, we're eternally internally equipped.

Facebook, As Demonstrated By An Only Child

At least the lines of communication are open.

How Many Llamas?

This spring I participated in a filmed showcase, and it's finally online to view! Rather than hold industry folk hostage in a dusty, hot theater at any given 8 PM, the online version offers a chance to see us all work with the upgrade of seeing us on camera. You can view the showcase scene here.

You May Know Me By My Netflix Queue

And I wouldn't want my pants any other way.

Candy Orders Action

Taking self-promotion to whole new heights, this wrapper says what's what. Chocolate bar, you've really outdone yourself.

Bank Uses Communication Strategy

Hello to you too, Bank. Now what? If you'll excuse me, Coffee Shop has a better pickup line.

BEST SPOOF! "April" Takes the Cake

As announced at last night's awards dinner for AOF Film Festival 2010, "April" won for Best Spoof! First-time director/writer not only makes a great film but nails a genre? Pretty awesome.

You Are the Right Person This is the Right Time

Induced-by-twelve-hours-of-sleep Jennifer Aniston fluffed up my hair while guest-teaching the acting class; turned to just me and said, "We should go get some sorbet sometime." And that, my friends, is breaking into the slumberland big time.

Mango? Rasperry? Coconut?

"April" on the Red Carpet

Our screening at AOF this weekend was a smash hit! Jury's still out on our award nominations, but hearing the movie theater full of laughter is what counts. I'm so lucky to be a part of this fabulous cast and crew.

King of the Motorchair

Because nothing says "Buy this electric wheelchair" like having a stuffed lion demonstrate its prowess. Only $595!

Stolen Car

Ever dream you've had your car stolen? Head out after a trip to the grocery store, or a day at a new job, and those nocturnal bad guys have walked off with your ride? I've tripped this neural pathway a few too many times in recent memory, and finally consulted with that bastion of sound testimony, the internet.

According to the internet I feel I have been stripped of my identity; perhaps due to a change in jobs, relationships, or a situation that once played a key role in my identity as a person. According to the internet I perhaps have lost my drive and ability to move forward. Or that my physical body has been hijacked. That someone is trying to take advantage of me.

I left work tonight close to 1 AM, slightly worried these nightmares would come true and my chariot wouldn't be holding court in the parking lot. But see, I left work, where I reveled in wonderful new employment, interpersonal connections, and unusable old skins falling away. Ha, dreams! No wonder you ended in an assignment at Disney.

Who Needs Vampires When You've Got "April"?

Go Team "April"! Our movie is not only screening opening night at AOF International Film Festival, but it's also up for two awards. Will we take home the titles of Best Spoof and Best Makeup? Stay tuned.

Pick Me Up, Love, E ery Ay!

Vortex of 2005

People from early 2005 are coming back to me: theory or metaphysical truth? I considered this when one of my most wonderful friends who I hadn't seen since then came to visit in June. Forget about '05: I then toyed with the idea of April 2010's boomerang effect. That month's emails finally got returned, meetings got set, mentions turned into events and the film with such a name started its circuit in the world.

But what about today's pair of reunitings from that turning-point year: someone I shared a stage with briefly but significantly, and another with whom I worked side by side? Lest I spend too long wishing I'd never left New York five years ago, or fret over a little delay from the spring, it all knows where I live, apparently.

Every key player is coming my way.

"April" Gets a Trailer

Watch the teaser here.

Grandmationary: Rubber Sock

Definition: A timid, delicate, or cowardly person. But that is just the hobo use. If you were in WWII, then you're talking about a new Navy recruit.

If you are a hobo-turned-government-sailor, well then! I'm sure there are plenty of dandy muffins ready to shake a rug with you, you ole rubber sock!

"April" at AOF Film Festival 2010

It's official! "April" has been chosen to screen at AOF International Film Festival on opening night of the festival. July 23rd, 8 PM, Regency Academy Theater in Pasadena. Be there!

"April" Gets a Poster

Check out the Rorschach blots masquerading as a standard composition notebook...and that dripping green titling!

On This, The Fourth of July

May this sun, accessorized, bring you and the US of A much joy on this, the day people make a lot of eating watermelon. (Having gotten all of my holiday celebration out of the way last night, I am free to wander my neighborhood listening to screenwriting podcasts and contemplating a life lived overseas.)

Inscrutable Boyfriend

How this email from an online dating company didn't end up in my spam folder, I don't know, but the reward it bestowed was in the form of a highly enigmatic advertisement. "You should date this guy!" it said, "We won't supply you with a photo, age, or location, but you sure haven't met him yet!"

On second glance, it occurred to me that he may be the tiny four-pixel blue square low in the frame. I think I'll pass.

Dog Boyfriend

Dogs in glasses: are they more come hither than better sighted dogs? Well, yes, according to my dream the night before last. Because they wait until you're done sleeping 57 days straight and the moon hangs like a carefully etched vintage elephant in the sky and greet you at your bedside. You think, If only you were a real man! You consider settling, since at least the sheepdog talks. Brain-who-cloaks-the-truth-in-many-guises, you've really outdone yourself this time.

The Public Library Goes Informal

Hiny Hiders? But I'm a lady! (Cue "Little Britain" actors.)

Getting a Rebate on 2006

You can still get 3.75% of the value left from four years ago, electronically speaking. Can we receive higher returns from parsing what happened in our personal lives back then? Depends: did you keep that now-retro power cord?

Josh's Corner

In: Toulouse.
Out: My last sheep girlfriend.

In: Going natural.
Out: Too much product in the wool.

In: Summer squash.
Out: Pineapple. Do I look like I come from the tropics?!?

In: Kicking it near the pigs.
Out: Getting spit at by the llamas.

In: Living at The Gentle Barn.
Out: Living at an abusive petting zoo.

In: When I feel like it.
Out: side, mostly!

Post Impressions of Toulouse

Yesterday at The Gentle Barn, I made friends with Toulouse, a girl sheep who once spent her days on a family couch watching TV and now hangs out on the farm with her boyfriend Josh (who currently looks like he's wearing twelve sweaters). This tender creature is mellow, great with kids, and has extensive opinions on the premium cable shows of the early oughts. I ran my screenplay ideas by her, but she's never been one for theatrical release; I took it that "baaa" was a "no."