LOTS OF GUYS

Dear Single Rejected Job Applicant,

You should totally come to our event--there will be LOTS OF GUYS!!! I know we didn't hire you for the job, even though you did your best impersonation of a Marina socialite on the phone to sell yourself to us. I know that you probably don't want to be on our emailing list. And I know that the only reason you haven't clicked "unsubscribe" is because there's still a whisper of doubt in your mind that you may be buried with the cats you may one day have.

Seriously: LOTS OF GUYS. You can come too, for only $37! That's the equivalent of being around guys at a bar full of guys, but guys you'd actually like, who are buying you three Manhacosmotiniopolises with conjunctivitis and lime, except instead of the guys paying for them, you are, but in advance. What I'm saying is, being single costs money.

I know what you're doing right now. You're IMing with your married friend, and she's telling you about how her husband's in the kitchen whipping up din-din. You're in your heart-print pajamas, paying your electric bill, and wondering if you will someday take up knitting tea cozies. Don't. MEET LOTS OF GUYS.

It's all nice and good now, with your romantic dreams of making soup and talking to another person who is not you. You're planning out a future filled with lovingly placing a miscreant toe-clipping into the bathroom garbage, and laundering pillowcases with his drool on them. What a dashing existence you'll have.

Lady, that is so then. This is NOW. These are LOTS OF GUYS. Lots of guys, in lots, looking for lots of you. Lots of 37 year old guys! 37 dollars! 37 guys! A dollar a day keeps the drying up away! THIRTY SEVEN LOTS OF GUYS!!!

So you want a relationship. With like, hanging out, and even being sober. Fine. Suit yourself.

Sincerely,

We Didn't Hire You, You Are Single

P.S. LOTS OF GUYS

My Stylist Says I Have a Jessica Simpson Forehead, But I Don't Think So!

Why did I say this out loud in public?

I guess we'll never know.