A Brief Chemistry Lesson

“There is a difference between nonfat and lowfat milk,” I calmly explained to the baffled 19 year old. “You see, when I drink lowfat milk, I’m consuming milk that has approximately 1-2% of the fat remaining in it. When I consume nonfat milk, all of the fat in whole milk has been removed, leaving 0% fat. I prefer lowfat to nonfat. And yes, there is a difference between the two,” I concluded.

Newly educated, the Starbucks barista went back to doing his job.

And Now a Word From An Anonymous Library Patron

Cracking open a public library copy of Tim Kasser's The High Price of Materialism, the first thing I read is not the author's quoting of Lao Tzu. Instead, I have the benefit of a pencilled-in brief review of the tome I have waited weeks to arrive at my local branch. On the title page, in careful script, Anonymous speaks.

The following is the work of said unknown author.

The writer of this book is a professor of a well known University and in his book he showing his resensment against the achievement of others. A professor! In other words there is no promise of success in high or good grades in school.

Maybe poverty makes people happy. To be a tramp, a welfare recipient for life is an honorabel thing to do. The author appear like envious in his writing.

Tim Kasser: psychologist, researcher, professor, writer, hobo loyalist.

Come All Ye Traif-ful

Such a good Jew am I that even after my dietary revisions to exclude blood agglutinating wheat and body poisoning sugar, I toss my unsweetened spelt pizza crust on the counter pre-bake and proceed to dress it with mozzarella and pepperoni. Lots of pepperoni.

Ignore the picture, folks: it's meant only as a vague representation. Imagine loads more pork and nitrate filled deli sausage slices piled high. Maybe for effect stick an angry rabbi in the background, or at least my horrified mother who is convinced that her toaster was bequeathed to her from the machinations of Adolf himself.

Dietary regimens, cultural history, the sensitive digestion of my people: all touchy subjects; subjects that can lead to two sets of knives and/or being unable to order anything on a menu, as you consider it Not Real Food. Come now, you say: Pepperoni? You consider that Real Food?

No, say I. Oh no. It's dessert.

GI Tracking Treasure Down

Wearing my fauxjamas tee with "THE NEW BEGINNING" splashed across it like so much punk rock, I hereby set out into virgin territory: creating my first Wikipedia page.

You never know how fast you're going to grow up. One minute you're rubbing your fetal little eyesockets, and the next, you're home with the flu doing mindless internet research about what you should do to get better. And then: the sound of the pik-axe hitting precious cargo. The phrase to end all phrases.

Greedy colon.

Physician Goodhart of London first made the remark that excess loss of water in the intestine leading to constipation could indeed be the result of a "greedy colon." A colon that is greedy, lest you get the wrong idea, is actually thirsty. A thirsty colon becomes greedy for more than the average colon's share of H2O.

Do you not see how fateful this discovery is? Do you now know my destiny as the writer of a Wiki page about the concept of greedy colon? I welcome all research, scientific, historical, and diagrammatical, for I am but the messenger to a public anticipating ne'er but at least a stub, dear Reader, demystifying that which end on end runs foot after foot and won't be satisfied even with every last drop.

Love Movies I Hate

1. Shakespeare in Love (1998).
In this piece of dreck, the fatty lips of Joseph Fiennes star alongside the Struggle To Be An Artist. Bard aficionados were given two hours and three minutes to resorb references with which to torture those of us who think there is more than one great writer in the canon.

2. Love Actually (2004).
Because we're supposed to believe that a woman who wears a size 8 is too large to be loved. Oh, Hugh Grant's character is so enlightened!! We can't believe he isn't also on Keira Knightley's doorstep!!!

3. The Last Kiss (2006).
Paul Haggis = genius; remake of Italian film = bad idea; script = disturbing; Zach Braff = makes a heinous character even more loathsome in such a way that literally terramotos career suicide.

4. Just Friends (2005).
Yes, I actually watched it. That's embarrassing. But what's really embarrassing is a movie filled with nothing but second-hand Jim Carrey moves and only but few Anna Faris moments.

Anna Faris! I love her.

Behold, As a Grown Woman Finds Solace in a Stuffed Animal Worm

LOTS OF GUYS

Dear Single Rejected Job Applicant,

You should totally come to our event--there will be LOTS OF GUYS!!! I know we didn't hire you for the job, even though you did your best impersonation of a Marina socialite on the phone to sell yourself to us. I know that you probably don't want to be on our emailing list. And I know that the only reason you haven't clicked "unsubscribe" is because there's still a whisper of doubt in your mind that you may be buried with the cats you may one day have.

Seriously: LOTS OF GUYS. You can come too, for only $37! That's the equivalent of being around guys at a bar full of guys, but guys you'd actually like, who are buying you three Manhacosmotiniopolises with conjunctivitis and lime, except instead of the guys paying for them, you are, but in advance. What I'm saying is, being single costs money.

I know what you're doing right now. You're IMing with your married friend, and she's telling you about how her husband's in the kitchen whipping up din-din. You're in your heart-print pajamas, paying your electric bill, and wondering if you will someday take up knitting tea cozies. Don't. MEET LOTS OF GUYS.

It's all nice and good now, with your romantic dreams of making soup and talking to another person who is not you. You're planning out a future filled with lovingly placing a miscreant toe-clipping into the bathroom garbage, and laundering pillowcases with his drool on them. What a dashing existence you'll have.

Lady, that is so then. This is NOW. These are LOTS OF GUYS. Lots of guys, in lots, looking for lots of you. Lots of 37 year old guys! 37 dollars! 37 guys! A dollar a day keeps the drying up away! THIRTY SEVEN LOTS OF GUYS!!!

So you want a relationship. With like, hanging out, and even being sober. Fine. Suit yourself.

Sincerely,

We Didn't Hire You, You Are Single

P.S. LOTS OF GUYS

My Stylist Says I Have a Jessica Simpson Forehead, But I Don't Think So!

Why did I say this out loud in public?

I guess we'll never know.

Things with Faces

You lookin' at me? By "you" I mean of course an inanimate object that purposefully or not is sporting a face. The answer to the question, then, is always "yes," as in: yes, I am indeed lookin' at you.

Maybe I was left alone too much as a child, or maybe I'm congenitally immature, but I feel the need to surround myself with things with faces. I want the Philippe Starck gnome stools, with their sleepy eyes. I want Salvor pillows lush in their animalia. I even have Koziol stirring spoons that grin as they lap my homemade marinara.

In college (cue eyeliner) I took a series of photographs of things with faces out in the world. Marching my battalions of plastic wind-ups about, I staged the emotional response of pulseless beasts. I called the whole project "Please Don't Lick the Walls," partially in honor of the beloved James Marshall children's books entitled "The Stupids," and because I wanted my transcript to read "Please Don't Lick the Walls." Which, by the way, it does.

As the emotional branding of products becomes all the more transparent in the early oughts of this century, I find myself more at home in the world. I have always wanted a huggable world, a love-filled and punch-drunk comedy populated with exquisite bodies. I walk into the world and meet the gaze of a stool, a pillow, a spoon. Believe me, I look.

Viva Los Girlparts

Why, oh why has it been EONS since I've last written a Talking Pony blog entry? Great gallumphing grasshoppers, the answer is simple. I have been wading through the vats of fabulous audition opportunities for women in their twenties!! Because there are so many delightful possibilities for me to choose from, I decided I would share a few with you, dear Reader.

Sara
Sara is a ditzy, but very supportive girlfriend of a small-time criminal.

Lucy
Understanding, compassionate, trying to come to terms with her baby's death.

Cindy
Looking for enthusiastic and expressive women who can give a good angry/disappointed performance.

Galeatea
A corporate executive of a weapons manufacturer. She’s tough and sharp minded. As well she’s spent her life as a robot without knowing it.

Brenda
Pretty, compassionate, and innocent, Brenda is one of the most popular kids at the school. While her friends enjoy watching Bobby get picked-on, she feels sorry for him. She is soon seduced with magic slam poetry into dating the school bully.

Gwen
Attractive and fierce, Ben's mistress. Must be able to play an arrogant stubborn woman, a.k.a. 'the bitch.'

Susan
Bitchy, arrogant, and manipulative.

Andie
Sensual, musical, bit of a space cadet. NUDITY REQUIRED.

Carmen
Intellectual, snobby, effete. NUDITY REQUIRED.

Nikki
A spunky and comedic 17 year old girl. She's a tomboy, yet she has feminine mystery. She's a fun character! (Nudity and sexual situations required.)

Girl on Date
Date is in one scene, brought home by Damien, the lead. Has lines.

Corpse, Etcetera
Featured extras to play twisted bloodied corpses, Satanists (nudity required and raw sexual acts in an underground orgy with masks on), two cops, small church group.

Wise "Man"
Follow the star to Bethlehem. Sing "We Three Kings". Also doubles as Priest/Neighbor.

Small Dog
One adorable Jack Russell Terrier for the short film. Must be quiet, sweet, and be still on the executive's lap. The Jack Russell Terrier will also be wearing a cute antlers on its head!

Money Belt
Meter Maid, heavyset, any ethnicity.