Dog Boyfriend

Dogs in glasses: are they more come hither than better sighted dogs? Well, yes, according to my dream the night before last. Because they wait until you're done sleeping 57 days straight and the moon hangs like a carefully etched vintage elephant in the sky and greet you at your bedside. You think, If only you were a real man! You consider settling, since at least the sheepdog talks. Brain-who-cloaks-the-truth-in-many-guises, you've really outdone yourself this time.

The Public Library Goes Informal

Hiny Hiders? But I'm a lady! (Cue "Little Britain" actors.)

Getting a Rebate on 2006

You can still get 3.75% of the value left from four years ago, electronically speaking. Can we receive higher returns from parsing what happened in our personal lives back then? Depends: did you keep that now-retro power cord?

Josh's Corner

In: Toulouse.
Out: My last sheep girlfriend.

In: Going natural.
Out: Too much product in the wool.

In: Summer squash.
Out: Pineapple. Do I look like I come from the tropics?!?

In: Kicking it near the pigs.
Out: Getting spit at by the llamas.

In: Living at The Gentle Barn.
Out: Living at an abusive petting zoo.

In: When I feel like it.
Out: side, mostly!

Post Impressions of Toulouse

Yesterday at The Gentle Barn, I made friends with Toulouse, a girl sheep who once spent her days on a family couch watching TV and now hangs out on the farm with her boyfriend Josh (who currently looks like he's wearing twelve sweaters). This tender creature is mellow, great with kids, and has extensive opinions on the premium cable shows of the early oughts. I ran my screenplay ideas by her, but she's never been one for theatrical release; I took it that "baaa" was a "no."

Sunday I'll Hug a Cow

Buttercup was thankfully rescued from her abusers and brought to The Gentle Barn, where cow-huggers like me get to come make friends for a small donation on Sundays. Note in the above photograph how she tolerates me plastering myself to her lovely backside. That is the power of the gift of raw carrots.

A Gentle Reminder from Target

Thank you, wise bathroom stall.

Animal News Report Courtesy of an 8-Year-Old

Did you know that squirrels are just like my mom?? We were eating lunch at school and then a big mommy with two little babies came out of a hole in the wall. One of the babies ran off, and the mommy tried to catch him, but finally gave up because he was being THAT BAD! (He came back later and everyone ate nuts.)

Did you know that fish are monogamous? That means they pick a girl fish and like them forever. Also, fish can tell who's who and if you were to ask a fish which guy can't be trusted, they know. Fish use tools just like us!

Did you know that bulls are color blind? You wave a red flag at them in your shiny pants and they don't get it. They get mad anyway.

Pets in Glasses Sell Passes on Busses

Trapped en route to UCLA, I pondered this ad. Marmaduke: nostrils of fire. Owen Wilson as Marmaduke. George Lopez, unidentified as the cat.

"April" on IMDb

It's official: the film about the girl who just can't seem to fit in (place tongue in cheek) is hitting the festival circuit and is now up on IMDb. Stay tuned for festival names and dates for screenings!

A Moment of Silence For the Season Finale of "Glee"

Not to mention half a box of tissues. That show melts my heart! Time to get rehydrated.

I Get To Keep My Firstborn

Tortoise vs. hare, student vs. master, present vs. past. Is it surprising who excels? Just when you least expect it, we're spinning hay into gold. (And not just because we're trapped in a basement by a malevolent baron; geez!)

Fun with Plagiarism

It has recently come to my attention that a former colleague has not only stolen and filmed a comedy short for a webseries that I wrote, but has also plagiarized a version of a personal bio I wrote for my website. While unfortunate that this individual has chosen to join the ranks of intellectual property thieves, I firmly believe that one's true voice will always be perceptible to anyone paying even an ounce of attention. I submit below the bio as written and mailed to several witnesses back in December, rendering it fully copyrighted material under the law.

Dear Reader,

As you will see from the photographs above, Audrey Dundee Hannah is neither a jaunty turn-of-the-century newspaper boy nor a bundle of twigs. She is a real-life actress, with human feelings. In addition, Audrey has done some things, including badly canoeing across small lakes and befriending woodland creatures. Also: acting. A member of the Screen Actors Guild, Audrey’s recent credits include webisodes for FOX and Verizon, an sketch comedy TV pilot, various independent films, and an MTV Movie Awards commercial which aired in theaters nationwide. She honed her on-camera skills at Actor’s Certified Training in North Hollywood; studied and performed comedy improvisation at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and Second City offshoot Off Off Campus at the University of Chicago; and workshopped her one-woman show at the Marsh in San Francisco. Audrey holds a B.A. in Drama from Stanford University, where she won the prestigious Eleanor Prosser prize, awarded for excellence in scholarship and performance. She also knows how to sew a nice red cape, which can be worn with mouse ears and is best seen in person.

See that cape in person, dear Reader.

We're Keeping an Eye on You, Actor

The city of Los Angeles insists all businesses are licensed: a fact pretty much all actors moving to the area would know nothing of. A license? To make maybe $2K a year, if that, when you're starting out?

Good news is they're willing to rescind their steep charges upon finding out what's really on your Schedule C. My please-pay-this-thank-you-ma'am totaled over $30,000...hilarious. Months later the nonsense got sorted out, and today I received my official document, to be hung in the place of my business. I quote: "Status: Active. Description: Professions/Occupations."

Los Angeles has officially allowed me to have a profession/occupation. Well, okay!

Very Tender

While plotting out a screenplay, I remembered this piece I loved by artist Jenny Holzer that includes the phrase "It is in your self-interest to find a way to be very tender." Gen X, Gen Y, the Millenials, the technological revolution, the credit crash, the down economy, and all the aftermath of the Bush era vs. opening your heart. Insert joke here, but this truth stands without irony.

Keep On Keeping On

My favorite yoga teacher told us a story this week about a client he teaches one-on-one who had lung cancer and had to have one lung removed. She gets around with a breathing tube all the time: except for when she's doing Bikram. And through the yoga alone, her one remaining lung has grown large enough to take over the space where the missing one used to be, filling her with oxygen.

Email from a friend: a dog born with only its two hind legs. Sentenced to death, then rescued by a woman who saw the sweetness in the creature. The dog now walks around like a biped, making friends everywhere he goes. His name is Faith.

Just sobbed my way through all two hours of "The Blind Side." We never know when we're going to get rescued, or get the honor of coming through for someone. It happens suddenly; a beautiful collision. Even if you think you couldn't, or wouldn't, or can't, you can.

Is This Ad Relevant to You?

Yes, I do have a uterus.

No, I do not relate to pink daisies and hearts used to sell me lady products.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to watching "Man Caves" on Hulu.

Some Things Never Change

Even if they take a long time to land.

(*With regards to the latest cinematic installment: who can argue against Liza, swans, and hummus, I retort?)