Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Watch Out For the Antlers

I'm eating walnuts, which look like tiny brains. But you know what looks like deer antlers? The deer antlers in my apartment.

Krista warned me that I'd better drag them out of the cabinet; that before I knew it an unsuspecting evening guest would prop open the door, take one look at the herd of them, and run out the door in his boxers. "But Krista!" I protested. "It's like a secret hidden treasure!"

I shuffled them from place to place in my house until I can get the guy up the street who drives an old VW van with eyelashes painted on it to help me turn them into a chandelier or a set of sconces. Finally, I decided it was time they came out of the closet. These gorgeous old bones are spread out on a dresser from so many animals who dropped them (and were collected by the man on eBay I bought them from). It occurs to me that this is perhaps pertinent information to provide to suitors: "Yes, I've purchased animal parts over the Internet."

They're beautiful: and yes, melancholy. In an apartment full of pink, girly things, they are strikingly masculine. They are foreign to me, and yet they feel like skins I've shed myself. On the other hand, the box they came in--KLAUS' MEAT HAUS--well, that looked better in the recycling bin.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Funding Workhorse

Making this play about work, about finances, about the sociopolitical issues implicated therewithin, has taken all my energy and heart this last year. Workhorse is more than a full time job: but like most artists, it is a job unpaid. And like the homeless man on the corner of Haight and Masonic singing "there go some yuppies buyin' more shoes" with his guitar case propped for change, I wonder who and what organization would want to fund a one-woman show about the lies and abuse experienced by American workers, and in particular, women, queers, artists, activists.

Well, who? I set about hunting for corporate and government grants for performers and playwrights, and turned over stone after stone finding not much more than a pile of dirt. As the majority of us, the minority, have little in the way of funding, my only hope was to search out the very organizations I'm critiquing. And unless I can reinvent myself as a 301(c) with a 20+ year track record and a review in the NYT, my only bet is a Bay Area grant of $1,500, which, if I manage to garner it, would cover painfully few of my performing and living expenses.

Like any artist working on staying true to her work and also keeping a roof over her head, I fantasize about the days of patrons of the arts, and of a culture that valued the handmade and local over the Hollywood blockbuster. Everyone tells me to go to L.A.: but Hollywood is still, after all these years, a place of closets, corporations, and conformity. (See Fabulous! The Story of Queer Cinema.) What I'm working on is a San Francisco piece; something that is of a place, and seeks to create more of that ever-elusive arts community here. I am eternally grateful to David Ford, my director, and to The Marsh for supporting me creatively through this process, but there's a bottom line, too, which usually comes in the form of bills.

How can we create support for the next Margaret Cho and Ellen DeGeneres and Marga Gomez hopefuls? It's not just about my own plight to feed myself and make this piece happen--it's my fantasy too that the great artists and creators coming out of school will actually be put to work doing what they do best, and not be kicked back into baristahood. Because let's face it, nobody wants me or my distracted friends making their $4 latte.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Two Strawberry Ice Creams, Please!

Bette Davis just got more fabulous with age. It's really true. I watched "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" last night for the first time...and oh, my, oh my...you mean we could've been friends all this time?

Then, because my high level of anxiety has me making like Rapunzel in my tower, I had time to put the movie on AGAIN, this time with Charles Busch and the love of my life, John Epperson, doing commentary over the score. John! Who so brilliantly brings to life the dame to end all dames, LYPSINKA!

Those queens knew EVERYTHING about the film. If they ever run out of things to perform, they can transition right into being college professors. Bless them!

The thing that is so amazing about "Baby Jane," of course, is its camp. Half comedy, half thriller, it's creepy, innovative, and dated all at the same time. What's under the silver platter this time? Is that really Davis' face? And could this happen to Mayim Bialik?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Feng Shui of Money

WOW!!! Feng Shui for finances works WONDERS! I know, because I tried it.

As many books on the topic will tell you, it is important first to acquire a lot of money. You will need this money for the purpose of a) wallpaper; b) stuffing; and c) outfits. Money used for these purposes will send a message to the world that says: I have money! And as we all know, like attracts like.

The best way to get started is to put your money everywhere. DO NOT SPEND IT. Do you hear me? It is very tempting to take the money you have and use it for things. After all, this is the moment you have been waiting for! Having money! To trade for actual stuff!!!

What you need to do with your money, though, is be able to see it. How are you going to know it's there otherwise? And more importantly, how will the I Ching, the Bagua, and the ghost of Grandma know it's there?

I started by making a curtain of my Benjamins in my kitchen. Then there was an oven fire, and then I had a lot of recycling to do. So I proceeded by turning my bed into a pile of money which I could sleep on and in doing so envision greater things, like more money, for when I wake up. It's like I'm my own Rumplestiltskin!!!

Also I made a carpet out of money, carp out of money, and a pet. It doesn't bark, it doesn't eat, and it attracts better finances to my wallet. Huzzah for me!

And most importantest of it all, is of course to dress yourself in your money. Make a hat--think pillbox! Tie it around your head with a string, preferably free. Look in the mirror--how many money hats do you have now?? The possibilities are infinite. There's you, and the other you, and your hat, and that other hat, and the hat behind it, and behind it, and behind it...

Monday, August 21, 2006

Ian Falconer is My Baby Daddy

This just in: Olivia has formed a band.

Seeking no alternative but create her own musical accompaniment to a fireworks show on the beach lacking a little pomp, the feisty young piglet is now officially an entire troupe. Instruments she now plays include drums, keyboards, a bell, a whistle, and pot lids. She can also be seen twirling a baton.

While the band, in the end, did not make it to the show, a cheeky attempt at a lipsticked mouth and the world's most delicious dinner did. Events included going to the bathroom, and getting tired. And in late-breaking news, Olivia now aspires to a post on the Supreme Court, where she will no doubt yell and look up to Maria Callas.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

TeXXXt Me Later

File my library books.

Distill my sugar cane.

Park me on a side street.

Wear me as an inverted hat.

Own my bossy cow.

Make waffles with syrup.

Paint my toenails cozy.

Drip-dry the walls.

Tune my baby Grand.

Defenestrate, well, you know.

BTW OMG C U ltr ;)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Lady With the Hat


As you can see, the Lady With the Hat and I have a very profound relationship.

This is how it goes: I commune with her, and in return, she provides to me valuable life lessons. For instance. Close your eyes when you are at a party. Don't wear a bra. Count on your fingers.

What a mysterious look in her eyes! What glamour and style! A light glints off of her--is it her aura? Is it a sign from God?

I guess we'll never know.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Jobs I Am Not Qualified For

Let's face it, the negative cash flow has officially gone TOO FAR. I'm on the trail of part-time gigs. Unfortunately, there are an awful lot of jobs I am not qualified for.

I am not qualified to wear business casual, make it my goal to "be successful," smile excessively, or greet every customer with the same standardized greeting.

I am not qualified to work full time, try to impress my boss, not make jokes on the job, always be quiet, or respond inauthentically to "HOW ARE YOUUUU?"

I am not qualified to get an office job just because I have a college degree, teach children at a public school, or work swiftly with people and on my feet.

SWF seeks J-O-B in which she can wear the clothes she already has, earn enough money to live on, be herself, and be left alone while she rocks it out getting projects done. Good with dogs, kids, adults, crafting, cooking, sewing, cleaning, futzing, organizing, styling, writing, proofreading, editing, instructing, posing, acting, massaging, advising, and reading. Plus if I can work from home. BIG plus.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Mood: Moody

Hello, and welcome to this very serious blog post.

Sit tight, because I will be elaborating all of the intricate details of my personal life, and more specifically, what I think about it. I write this, dear reader, because I want you to understand me: and most importantly, I want me to understand me. If I don't know who I am, then why are you reading what I write? Because I write it. See? This has got to be important.

First of all I want to talk about my recurring dream in which Jimmy Smits has a showdown with Liza Minelli. LIZA ALWAYS WINS!! Especially after that darn octopus jumps out of Jimmy's ass, it's all over. Then I bicycle slowly around Ogden's house shouting "You guppy! You popsicle-colored guppy!"

What do you think it means?

Ok, so true confessions: Ogden kind of looks like Liza, which is OK, because I look like Jimmy, so we were meant to be.

XOXOXOXO OGDEN & MEEEEE

(A poem.)

Shiny
stickers. Love
peels open like
cottage cheese.

I miss you,
oh bastard of my heart,
because you ate
my
words

you
Asscastle.

Now I'm going to talk about my political beliefs.

Have you read the NYT? Seen the Colbert Report? Seen the Jon Stewart show? Been outside? Watched CNN? Talked to someone? Liked stuff? ME TOO.

A reflection on coming of age:

Wow. I miss when I was young, and had parents who'd cook macaroni and cheese for me. These days, I open my own box. I guess it's cool to be older now, but I don't know all those people I knew in college. Where did they go? It's like we're all SEEDS or puffy balloons that went floating off to make our own nests. Sometimes you don't see the tree you're going to make, but you miss it.

It's sooooo late...but I'm still so MOODY.

Whatever, I don't have to turn forty-six for another, like, twelve hours.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Helen Lawson!

Perhaps the greatest cinematic line of all time: The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, and that's ME, baby, remembahh? Oh, to be in the stage version of Valley of the Dolls! Hell, to be in a remake of the film!

I'm no blonde and I can't play frigid, so I suppose that leaves me with having to tune up my pipes and strap on Neely O'Hara. God help us! Oh, but the leotards...and those fabulous little red and black striped tops!

And for the record I'm prepared to say Ted Casablanca is not a fag...and I'm the dame who can prove it. Here I come, Broadway! I want a doll! I WANT A DOLL!!!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Starring Audrey

My newest blogworld addition is a weekly column I am now writing for Queercents called "Starring Audrey." It's my inaugural astrology column; in this case, focused on finance. I've always wanted to have a page in a magazine to fill with symbols and abstract instructions, as well as some saucy astro-humor and a sweet spot to promote my individualized astrology readings.

The other day I came across a bookmark I got as a child: Garfield with a bow(ne) and arrow as a classic Sagittarius. "Very expressive, has an open mind, is friendly and sincere. Can sometimes be irresponsible and tactless. Oh well, nobody's perfect," it reads. As anyone who knows me well is privy to, I have a longstanding relationship between Garfield and major life choices. I first decided to become a writer so I could focus on telling people about him. And now, putting the pieces together of my interest in astrology, here's this bookmark.

Lasagna-lug aside, I love sitting in front of a list of planets and degrees and signs and using my knowledge and intuition to understand the challenges and fortunes that lie ahead. It's a poetic act, reading the stars; and one with its own logic, which makes a hell of a lot more sense to me than other systems of thought. Someday, it'll happen for me, and a lifetime later I'll be in a pink Chanel suit with pearls, looking out dauntingly from the back pages of Vogue, warning to fellow members of my sign, "Cut back on the cheese this month, or Jupiter's gonna get you!"

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Something Other Than What You're Thinking Of

Lately there's been a rash of people saying I'm trying not to... and then finishing the sentence with a thought, an action, a person, a desire. My god! And all this time I've been trying to!

We all know there's nothing more appealing than shouldn't. I shouldn't eat the whole cake, I shouldn't call him, I shouldn't turn down the offer... It's almost like a guarantee: call something a negative in order to make sure it happens in the positive.

It also becomes a classic case of saying no to mean yes: the friend who calls themselves "naughty" if they purchase a purse in front of you; the co-worker who grunts about being a workaholic but happily tucks themselves into bed at their cubicle; the cat who doesn't want to get burned but keeps playing with fire.

I like to call a spade a spade, when I can. (Politeness being one weakness of mine that stops me. Does anyone know how to tell an instructor that you simply can't understand what they are saying because they mumble and talk in a whisper?) I like to kick out the drama in favor of the action. I check things off lists. I do laundry. I throw shit out.

But just for kicks, I torture myself my own writing assignments (which I should complete). Damn you, brain! Why must you always win?